AIBU to feel hurt after friends forgot my birthday plans?

Why wouldn't I celebrate with my old school friends in my 40s? , which friends am I permitted to celebrate with when I turn 50 for example?

You don't have to celebrate with every single friend? I don't know anyone who has big birthday celebrations with their old school friends or old uni friends unless they are about 23...

It's a bit shit of group 1 but you say all bar 2 so don't lump those 2 in the shit friends category but the others are out of order and you might want to step back from that friendship - they don't sound very good friends imo
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But that's assuming it works geographically. If I met up with my uni mates for my birthday I'd look for somewhere a bit Chestetish, but for School friends I'd look a bit Oxfordy. The expectation on some of those friends to go to the other place or even in the middle would he a lot, and we're nto even talking big distances

Op I think is focus on the friends who did show up. I think it's a shame a couple of friends did hold the date, did want to come and you cancelled it? I'd find that pretty offensive personally. We're they nto good enough to hang out with?

The other thing is, it seems you don't talk to your friends much in between? I wouldn't need formal reminders because my friends and I keep in touch and it would come up. We just had a wedding, we set up a special chat without the bride to sort gifts and travel, a special birthday activity would be similar. But we'd also be talking on and off about looking forward to it and what other plans do you have etc. It wouldn't be an invite months in advance and then an update a month before. I think if you're not keeping in touch like that, maybe the friendship isn't what you think. I'd pull back and see if they notice.

Only on mum'snet is someone suggesting something fun for their birthday supposed to pay for the whoek thing. Some of you either lvie very charmed lives or very quiet, isolated ones.

And who, with a group of friends likely in a variety of ife stages which involve work and caring repaknsibilities, can organise a group trip with a month's notice???

Why did you have two birthday parties? I would suggest the first group aren't as close as the second. Next time scale things down and celebrate with close friends only

I would imagine it's down to how the people in each group approach and value birthdays rather than how they value you (based on this alone, obviously if you have other reasons to feel overlooked then that's different).

Some people I know love any excuse to involve themselves in a birthday gathering and others barely register their own. Neither are better, just different interests and approaches.

I understand you feeling a bit miffed though. At least you had the one celebration! I think I'd be more upset about the last minute invitation when it was a close friend's event tbh.

In future just have one event?

All sounds a bit complicated to me!

A milestone birthday is really only of interest to the individual and their immediate family - partner, dc, parents, siblings. It is not all that much more of a big deal than your normal birthday.

Other people really do not care all that much about a big all-singing all-dancing celebration for someone else's milestone birthday. They really don't. It is not a big event in their lives.

It is hurtful, and rude. Everyone invited who said yes sounds great should have then put it in their diary. Perhaps one person forgets, and they then organise a bbq, but by the time they've invited other people surely someone says to them, oh that's the same day as the spa, did you mean the weekend after? And they get a chance to rectify it.

But if a whole group doesn't bother to actually save the date so that when something else comes along they say yes because they think they are free, then yes that's hurtful, rude and inconsiderate.

People have busy lives so sending reminders is a must, even a "can't wait for xdate, or doing xthing" is a reminder.

It is hurtful but it was also mainly your fault.

You have one birthday why not have it on the day for everyone to come, instead of planning 2 different days.

Why didn’t you get deposits from the others? You should have gone ahead with the two that had paid and cleared their diary for you, I would be miffed if I was them.

But surely if only 2 people paid the deposit, only 2 had truly confirmed?

I think this is poor communication from you tbh. The rest were probably wondering if it was still going ahead.

When you found out about the bbq did you not say 'eh that's our spa day' or has no one acknowledged this

I do feel once you get past a certain age so much emphasis shouldn’t be given to birthdays - it just seems childish, expensive, exhausting etc…

The only exceptions would be milestone birthdays where family may organise something for you.

I’m always surprised to hear that people still go over the top with friends (whom would likely prefer to forget) every year. I do think it maybe just so they can post about it on social media. But it gives the opposite effect than what they’re hoping for, I assume for most people they think ‘grow-up, get a life!’.

@Rosie8880 Unfortunately you’ve summoned your friends. One set were okay with it. One set not okay with it. And a lazy bbq is preferred.

If you worded the invite like you worded your OP then it's likely no one quite knew what was going on.

Next time, for a meal out only arrange 4-6 weeks before and remind people. If you're expecting people to pay a deposit that's a bit kucb considering it's your birthday. You should have fully organised it, sending reminders etc.