My “comeback” was equal levels rude?

Hi @Rebes

I understand your reaction and how you felt furious and/or humiliated at being questioned about your age/fertility. However, your retort, which was focused on the woman’s obesity, was out of line and you have lost the moral high ground by attacking her on her appearance. Obesity is a disease, your retort was an ad hominem attack.

There really is no need for this type of argument. You need to work on being able to engage calmly on a purely intellectual level. Or, failing that, develop the ability to “kill with kindness” - that is to respond to any attacks with agreement, humour and sweetness. It’s extremely effective and gratifying.

You were vedy rude to an elderly lady. Don,t minimize what you said. She was somewhat blunt asking your age ,but you totally over reacted.The damage is done now!

Being irritated by what you presume are another person’s intentions doesn’t mean you need to escalate/attack them back. It’s possible to just answer the question directly and allow them to think what they like.

I get it OP. Sometimes it is fairly obvious to tell when somebody is being simply curious and when they are about to make a dig. You shut that down admirably.

Because it can still be irritating. Feeling confident in yourself and not liking that other person’s intentions are to put you down have no correlation.

Yes u agree in the context you provided, it’s okay but I am not sure if that’s what happened with op. Maybe she needs to give more details.

Well if you’re so immensely confident in yourself, why do you care so much about what one woman thinks? Could you not just have said “32” and left it at that? You’re not responsible for making everyone in the world think the same way you do.

Plenty of family members will know what she is like and it won’t put them off you.
It’s like a tale I once heard/read, where someone was being hectored for smoking and it being bad for their health so they said right back to a rather overweight person who had been going on at them, “Well, you are overweight because you eat too much which is unhealthy, so why do you think you can preach to me about smoking?”
They didn’t like that one bit. These people often don’t. Fuck them.

I think you overshot tbh. I am also a people pleaser so I absolutely see where you’re coming from and how this could have happened. But you went too far.

“younger than you!“ would have been a better comeback IMO.

I know what you mean about being a people pleaser. I was one for the vast majority of my life but from time to time I'd crack and it probably wasn't pretty.

Now I'm old and no longer feel the need to please anyone: probably the only good thing about getting old.

Anyway, that apart, I got the impression that, although she'd had dealings with the aunt before, she didn't know most of the family that well and has now, obviously, not given them the best early impression, which is a shame, given that it sounds like the aunt might be the matriarch.

OP didn't need to accept the aunt's rudeness, if indeed she was being rude, she just needed to be more subtle, or sneaky, if you will, in her method of dealing with what sounds like a difficult woman and getting across the idea that she's not to be messed with.

Randomly asking people their age is just bad manners.

People seem to be glossing over the fact that the aunt was asking the OP's age for a very particular reason, it wasn't innocent chit-chat, it was a misogynist judgement on her status as woman who is not married and has no kids.

The OP does not have to be nice to someone who is disrespectful to her.

Woman don't have to be 'nice' or the 'bigger person'. It is perfectly fine to put people back in their place for being rude and judgemental.

OP literally said she gets asked for ID all of the time so obviously she looks young and it’s hard to tell her age.

By bar tenders - because their job is on the line. Was nosey aunt about to sell alcohol to the OP?

And asking someone how many kids they’ve got is a nice question to ask and a perfectly reasonable one - perhaps you struggle with social etiquette?

Good grief - do you really struggle to imagine situations where asking someone how many children they have is rude, inappropriate and insensitive? And you think I have trouble with social etiquette? If people mention their children I would follow that up. I would never ask someone if they have children.

If you get offended by someone asking your age then it’s because you are insecure about your age, which is no one else’s problem.

That doesn't even make sense - how can anyone be "insecure" about their age? Asking someone's age is just daft and in 99% of situations completely irrelevant. I'd honestly think you (general you) were weird unless there was a good reason to ask.

OP literally said she gets asked for ID all of the time so obviously she looks young and it’s hard to tell her age.

She also says that she prioritised her career, suggesting she’s very high up the career ladder.

If someone told me they were a neurosurgeon but looked very young then I would ask how old they are as I’d be so impressed that they’d done so well at such a young age.

If you get offended by someone asking your age then it’s because you are insecure about your age, which is no one else’s problem.

And asking someone how many kids they’ve got is a nice question to ask and a perfectly reasonable one - perhaps you struggle with social etiquette?

Well I think in some situations it is, and can imagine in some cultures being in your thirties and unmarried is something to be remarked at negatively, as it once was in the UK. If it’s ok to talk about someone’s age, why not their weight/BMI? At least most people can do something about that if they want.

Asking someone their age is a pretty normal part of a conversation

It really, really, really isn't. There are very limited circumstances where the age of the person you're having a conversation with is relevant.

Why would anyone at any age be "pissed off" to say how old they are

Unless the person asking is a bar tender, policeman, driving instructor or potential sexual partner why the hell are you even asking someone's age? Why on earth do you or nosey aunt need to know?

Bravery…! Never heard anything so stupid. She was rude and hasn’t showed an ounce of class. Clearly offended by all and everything.

OP has made a twat out of herself for being offended by a perfectly reasonable, inoffensive question.

There limited and specific genuine reasons for asking someone's age. There is no reason for this nosey aunt asking. It was a nosey question and none of the woman's business.

It’s like asking what someone does for work or how many kids you’ve got

I never ask someone how many children they have. If they want to tell me fine, but otherwise none of my business.

I wouldn't say instinct is a 'magical cure all' - more a source of information that anyone might do well to heed. I would hope that OP would benefit from it in the sense of choosing to limit her time with this family, as it doesn't sound a wholesome situation for her.

How is asking someone’s age an insult?

It’s like asking what someone does for work or how many kids you’ve got - if you’re easily offended these questions can be turned around to be offensive but usually they are just general questions.

OP has made a twat out of herself for being offended by a perfectly reasonable, inoffensive question.

If the aunt had then gone on to be offensive, fair enough for a bitchy comeback.
But nothing the aunt said was offensive.

I usually hate the term snowflake but being offended by someone asking your age is ridiculous.

You still get Id’d?

and you were surprised the Aunt asked your age?

If you’ve no interest in marriage, why does it matter that your boyfriend’s family now dislike you?

It's you who has the backwards thinking about age. Why would anyone at any age be "pissed off" to say how old they are. It's equally backward of you to think that anyone, you or someone else, is "past it" based on some arbitrary age. Past what???? And because you mind-read this woman's intentions as being trying to probe whether you, indeed, were "past it" (whatever "it" is!), you decided that she had no business knowing whether you were or not. How ridiculous and how sexist both you and your BF are.

And how is the magical cure all "trust your gut" benefitted anyone in this situation?

Well it's not an awesome comeback is it? It's childish and has created much drama so hasn't even worked in this case. But it also comes down to...why would it be rude to know a prospective family member's age? What is rude about it other than in the o.p's head. This site is full of people who prefer drama (and causing drama in other people's life) rather than just getting on with life.

I dislike the reverence that being petty is held on here, most normal people don't have the energy