My “comeback” was equal levels rude?

Which Mediterraneans family gatherings don't include food?

Hint: none.

YABU

I completely understand why you are sick to death of the judgment. It is incredibly exhausting to constantly have your life choices, career, and marital status scrutinized by an older generation with outdated metrics of success. Your frustration is 100% valid, and your mum is right that the aunt's underlying implication was rude.However, your comeback wasn’t "equal levels" rude, it completely escalated the situation and put you firmly in the wrong.

In traditional Mediterranean culture, asking a woman’s age and marital status is standard and normal. To her, she was asking a demographic question based on her worldview. You, on the other hand, asked about her BMI with the sole, deliberate intention of hurting her feelings and body-shaming her, thinking it was a tit for tat. You lost the moral high ground: The moment you weaponized a specific physical insecurity, you shifted from "a young woman defending her boundaries" to "the person who insulted a family elder."

You cannot shame or bully a traditional elder into adopting modern Western feminism. It doesn't work. All you did was prove to the family that you are volatile and disrespectful to elders, which is why the entire family has rallied around her and banned you from the house.

You are 32, career focused and well traveled. You have outgrown her worldview. Next time, don't let people like this pull you down into the mud with them. When you match ignorance with toxicity, you don't achieve growth or change minds, you just burn your own bridges and create a massive headache for your partner.If you want any hope of fixing this relationship you will have to put your big girl boots and realise what you have done is wrong and speak to your BF about how to mend the bridges. Otherwise maybe want to consider whether this relationship is for you at all as with your behaviour you will just continue to burn bridges with his family which will destroy your relationship or destroys his relationship with his family.

Yes, but where does she say she has been regularly fed and entertained by them?

I disagree. A lot of you would pray for the hardworking, respectful, attentive men in my family. Half of you know here that you have to work your arses off alongside everything else because your husband will do fuck all for you if you break up.

It would be a disgrace in my family if a man's co-parent was anything but flourishing

I get how grating that must be. I really do.

But what were you hoping to achieve? She's was never going to say 'oho, you've got me bang to rights!' She probably doesn't even understand how she's offended you.

You've just pissed her off and like it or not, she's in a position of power over you and can now make your family life difficult.

You have two choices:
Grovel, apologise and try to get back in the family good books (painful though that will be)

or suck it up and deal with the effect of this row on your relationship.

You need to think about your long term game plan and what you want to achieve from the interaction. Saying things like this to someone you're never going to see again might be ok as you won't have to deal with the consequences, but don't do it with someone you have to have an ongoing relationship with - it will not end well and will just cause more aggro.

Yes you were rude. You could have asserted your boundaries by asking her how old she was, rather than her BMI.

You were inferring the reasons for her asking but your inferences may have been wide of the mark, yet there is no way to impute anything other than a ‘you’re very fat’ subtext to asking an older, plump woman what her BMI is.

I think you should apologise and reassess how you respond to those sorts of questions going forward - for instance you could have simply ask ‘why are you asking’, or added, ‘I’m still very young, obviously’. If someone is being rude/invasive [or you infer that they are] it does not give you licence to be twice as rude back. That isn’t ‘asserting boundaries’. It’s just being obnoxious.

🤣🤣🤣

Read it again if youre struggling. The words arent going anywhere.

OP says this aunt’s house is where everyone always gathers.

Asking someone's age and even what they earn is not uncommon in several.parts of the world. It's irritating because often asked of a woman due to childbearing issues. In UK we don't usually ask these questions. It isn't considered rude elsewhere or among older people because normal and.of interest. It was unkind of you to ask about BMI as very personal and meant in a mean way. Try to let the age question go over your head or find a non- defensive way to respond. Yes it irritating but don't take it on.

🙄 there’s no excuse for being rude. Get over yourself.

I don't think there are many people on here who would be interested in being considered "wife material" by one of your family, tbh.

You were really rude.

She asked a question that is dated but culturally normal for her age and culture. It was asked, misguidedly, from what you call a place of concern.

You asked a question that is not acceptable in any time period, age group or culture. It was asked in a deliberate attempt to cause offence.

They are not equal levels of rude. You win by a landslide in terms of rudeness.

Where does the OP say these people have been regularly feeding and entertaining her?

If it were a non judgmental / misogynist person I’d say it’s ok to ask age.. it helps contextualise someone’s life sometimes if you’re having a detailed conversation. I mention my age where needed as it’s sometimes relevant (I’m a mature student atm, with kids at home and a job - not same as other students I am grouped with at uni) and there are other scenarios.
However it sounds like she was not someone who’d be innocently asking. I wouldn’t have said what you did, but I might have asked her why she was interested in my age. I don’t think your relationship will recover, since this is a key family member and this will never be forgiven & forgotten.

What are you talking about?

I think you were rude. There’s an awful lot of assumptions and issues in your head.
You were having a conversation she asks how old you are. That’s a normal conversation type question. She’s not said anything negative to you from the way you have posted.
To ask a weight question is totally off topic and asking bmi isn’t a normal conversation topic.
I think all you can do is apologise but it’s likely to be awkward if you do keep seeing boyfriend longer term. If there is a reason eg you are autistic and struggle with normal social interactions maybe think about sharing that.

But the OP didn’t call her fat. The aunt asked the OP’s age, the OP asked the aunt’s BMI. They both implied something, didn’t they? So what’s the matter? Oh I forgot, this is MN, where anything related to weight gets everyone up in arms for some bizarre reason.

Sick to death of people judging me

You sound like someone who goes through life taking offence at completely innocuous remarks and assuming everyone is judging you. People aren’t thinking about you that much.

Your comment was rude and you sound very difficult. Asking someone’s age is completely normal. You took it amiss because that’s what you do, which is why you think everyone is judging you.

Then she can move on and find someone who is ok with her disrespecting his family members when she feels slighted. The middle and upper classes have plenty of those.

I don’t think it was that rude, you knew exactly why she enquired about your age soon after meeting her & I’ve had seemingly standard questions asked of me but knew there was an agenda behind it. My husband once responded to a comment from a relative who kept banging on about how much hair he had lost since she last saw him by telling her with how much weight she’d put on in same time, didn’t go down well but she started it. I wouldn’t lose any sleep over it if I were you she’ll get over it & stop asking insensitive questions with any luck.

Surely she can tell roughly how old you are from looking at you? Past what?

I think you were crazy to say something like that to your partner's family. Even if she is the biggest bitch in the world, you've just made yourself look even worse in their eyes

Fabulous first impression with his family. Hope he is worth it.

Assuming his family is close you are going to be spending time with these people, are you planning to just ignore the reaction and hope it is forgotten about (it won’t) or try some damage control?

You were just plain nasty, op.