My “comeback” was equal levels rude?

Take a chill pill 😂

I bet a lot of people walk on eggshells around you.

Surely you're not correlating an older woman asking her nephew's girlfriend her age with an older woman asking a young woman if she's a virgin?

People are asked their age all the time for a variety of reason's, sometimes for necessary reasons, sometimes, just because people being nosy, which I suspect was the case in OP's situation.

In the whole of my 77 years of life, no one has ever asked me if I'm a virgin. And I'm pretty sure no one I know has ever been asked that question.

It's so far beyond rude and inappropriate it's difficult to find words to cover the level of rude. Even in cultures in which women are expected to be virgins until married, I don't imagine it's asked in a social settings and definitely not in a room full of people.

Yes, I imagine you're answer wasn't just a yes or no. I hope you gave full vent to your feelings.

I think it's fair enough and a good comeback . Should never ask a lady her age !

You were incredibly rude and judging by your replies you seem hard work.

Agree with the hard pushback. Somebody has to stand up against these misogynistic assumptions.

I think a lot of people not getting the point, this is different culture.
its not the norm for an Aunt to ask someone their age(unless she has dementia - no filter)

she is clearly the head of the family, thinks that she has the right to ask personal questions, I but if you had answered her dutifully it would have a lot more probing.

if you had declined her question politely, she probably would have made her decision and given her feedback that you were unsuitable or something along those lines and the whole ‘gang’ would made your time uncomfortable at Aunty’s house.

i was involved in a more embarrassing question at an Aunty’s house, in a room full of people the old bitch asked me “are you a virgin” (3rd time meeting her) my answer not as polite as your BMI one

It’s not fair that she was able to get the family behind her as she took offence and made you the bad guy. However, it’s the traumas of both of you that was asking the questions to one another. If you don’t understand this, Therapy would help you immensely.

Can anyone talk to anyone these days without being judgemental or cynical? If you were both accepting of who you both are as individuals then this drama would not have unfolded. You are both as bad as each other.

Yes, I learned this in therapy myself.

In another reality, you are both one with yourselves; she asks your age and you answer. She accepts your answer and you ask what her BMI is and she answers. Then the conversation moves on and is a none event.

i think you both are being unreasonable. Only an honest conversation between you both without judgement will
clear the air.

I’ve been on holiday for a week in Spain have been asked my age 4 times, I’m not bothered. But if someone asked me my BMI I would be shocked, offended and hurt, and I might add I would express that there and then

In that case, doubly well done. Why should you just suck it up? You were bold and I think it's great - not just for you, but for nudging misogynistic culture the teeniest bit out of the way for us all. For calling it out. Yes. Well done.

It sounds very extreme to more or less cut you off from family gatherings for a throw away comment. I think your boyfriends cousin was very punishing. He wasn't thinking 'I'll have a chat, put forward how Aunt feels, demand an apology and make sure that it never happens again.' Surely that would have been enough. Especially considering that you are usually polite.

Instead, you have been barred from the the aunt's house and, as a result, family gatherings, no second chances.

Just wondering if you could turn it around to make sure that you invite family to your house? You don't have to cut yourself off.

Also, yes, your comment was rude, but she was rude to you. Who are we to judge and measure how you felt and how rude her comment felt to you?

You have no idea why she was asking your age, it’s not a rude question. You asked her about weight because you wanted to be spiteful and embarrass her. You clearly weren’t brought up very well. If you can’t cope with your partner’s family and background then find someone more acceptable to you. You need to grow up, and you can start by apologising to the aunt. It won’t be very enjoyable but you’ll learn a good lesson from it.

I’m late to this thread @Rebes, I’m stealing this response!!! I love it. My culture sounds similar in some respects to yours; and if I’d been in your position I’d have been treated the same way. However if a bloke had responded in this manner it wouldn’t have all the repercussions. Carry on!!! It will take a while, you might have to “apologise”, but in time you will be included again. Then people will tread more carefully.. If they start that crap again glower at them.

P.S. I totally understand the loaded “auntie” questions for women who don’t conform. Every time!!!

I’ve not RTFT but OPs replies - am I the only one wondering why OP would think she intended to ask her why she’s unmarried when she’s talking to her nephew’s girlfriend? Surely this would only apply if you were single…

Sorry I think you were ruder. Her question was rude but yours was a lot worse.

You countered rudeness about age with rudeness about weight. You were as rude as she was but she has age and family on her side.
You should have called her out on her rudeness instead of responding in kind

fairs

Good on you OP, you could see where this question is going, have you had partners, when are you thinking of having children, how many, etc etc
an age question is not something you ask of someone you barely know it

Absolute Queen. Love it. Yeah you were rude, but so was she! So many people think its somehow more morally-virtuous to turn the other cheek and tug on their forelocks being put upon as a downtrodden woman. You bit back and stood up for yourself - many people genuinely don't like to see women do this.

The family cutting you out is a different matter, and a problem potentially. Only you know whether it's worth apologising etc to get back in their good books.

I find the best response to intrusive questions is, "Why do you want to know that?"
If the response is, "I'm just curious" You can smile and remind them that curiosity killed the cat, then change the subject.

Wow, no wonder they want nothing more to do with you. And if your mum thinks it's an ok response then it shows the apple didn’t fall far. Did she allow you to be rude to people as a kid without taking accountability for your actions?.
It was a very rude and bitchy response to a genuine question. I bet your BF is mortified and you've probably given him the right ick.

Just wanted to point out the coincidence that I’m currently on another thread about TV series Ann Droid in which the robot comes out with the immortal icebreaker ‘how much do you weigh?’

I don't mind sharing my age but it's the value judgement that always follows.
If I say I'm 50 - is the response going to be - I wouldn't have guessed - you look great for 50 or oh....or if they say nothing the assumption is they haven't anything nice to say so won't say anything at all.
So I'd say I'd rather not be asked because I'd rather not get the comment -positive or no comment afterwards. I don't wish to discuss my appearance.

I know I'm in a minority here but I think the societal rule that it's rude to ask someone their age is ridiculous. It implies that it's something to be ashamed of - we should be working to break that down.

Anyway - in this scenario a much better response is "why do you ask?" If they're being nosy, this will make them uncomfortable without you behaving rudely.

• necessarily

Oh I don’t disagree there might have been a better way of responding (although total silence is very much against the social norm ), but that’s not what I was responding to was it. I was responding to your point that what OP said was necessary worse than what aunt said to her. I think that’s just based on a widely held but subjective view that weight is just about the worst thing you can refer to when talking to a woman.