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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to worry this anxious and avoidant person is moving too slowly?

32 replies

Rosie8880 · 24/08/2026 12:21

I have been talking to someone for a while, and they send me gifts like make music tracks for me, draw me things/ make artwork, grow food (veg) thinking about me, and we seem to be very compatible interests wise. But. They are they say highly anxious and avoidant. They say they are highly attracted to me. It’s really moving slowly. Like slow. I don’t want to be impatient but also I don’t want to be an idiot. Help a girl out here. Anyw advice?

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Fidgety31 · 24/08/2026 19:26

why are they describing themselves In those terms to begin with ? Hardly attractive is it ! Sounds like they have read one too many self help instagram post or something !

this will Never get any better so cut your losses now.

Unexpecteder · 24/08/2026 19:22

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PinkKimonos · 24/08/2026 14:56

God, move on, @Rosie8880. Are you the same poster whose friends forgot her birthday plans? If so, I think you should look at what the two situations have in common, and what you can do to change your own actions to avoid wasting your own time in future. It sounds to me as if clear communications are key in both.

Mirrur · 24/08/2026 14:50

They will repair just enough to keep you always on the hook, or offer grand gestures that are essentially empty so they don’t have to commit. Won’t say they love you, but will take you for a special dinner; won’t propose but will treat you to a fancy holiday…you’ll get just enough to make you think you’re important to them, but when you look at all the gestures you’ll really they’ve never once given you something of actual value

Pedant61 · 24/08/2026 14:16

If someone describes themselves as "anxious and avoidant" they have already had way too much therapy. I'd be worried about what lay behind it all, tbh.

Shavedfennel56789 · 24/08/2026 14:09

It’s confusing for you when their actions are saying one thing and their words are saying another.

There is a bit of an entitled expectation here that you will be patient and work out what it all means. It may not be consciously entitled but the end result is the same.

Ablondiebutagoody · 24/08/2026 14:05

Ditch them. They will waste your life

BMW58 · 24/08/2026 14:02

Sounds like far too much hard work to me

MargoLivebetter · 24/08/2026 14:01

So basically, this person is saying that if you want to have a relationship with them, it will always be on their terms. They are setting out their stall as an anxious-avoidant, who will only move at glacial speed. They are showing you very, very, very clearly who they are.

@Rosie8880 do you accept those terms? Sounds like probably not. Throw this fish back and move on.

CurlewKate · 24/08/2026 13:57

Never get involved with a fixer-upper.

Original poster
Rosie8880 · 24/08/2026 13:50

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In person it’s much easier tbh. But then when apart it’s again, just hard.

OP posts:
Dweetfidilove · 24/08/2026 13:47

Rosie8880 · 24/08/2026 13:24

Yes I think so. And, also I am torn btw wanting to be understanding to a point and then also thinking hang on, mh needs just aren’t being met even half way here. I am touched by the gestures and truly if someone is that anxious you know I struggle but try to understand but u also feel there is a bit of selfishness ans perhaps well, playing here

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Who taught you to be understanding of others, to the detriment of your wellbeing?

Anxious avoidant person doesn't work on meeting your emotional needs, but bombards you with enough 'romantic gestures' to send you in a spin. Seems like they know exactly how to manipulate you into being 'understanding '.

Stop wasting your time and move on.

Picklebite · 24/08/2026 13:47

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Original poster
Rosie8880 · 24/08/2026 13:45

Picklebite · 24/08/2026 12:52

Have you ever actually met them in person?

A few times so far.

OP posts:
Picklebite · 24/08/2026 13:37

Would I be correct in thinking you have never met this person in real life and everything has been conducted online messaging?

Original poster
Rosie8880 · 24/08/2026 13:24

Silverbirchleaf · 24/08/2026 13:22

He likes the idea of a relationship, more than actually having relationship. As others have said, life’s too short. Maybe explain this you feel, and if he diesn’t change, ditch him.

Yes I think so. And, also I am torn btw wanting to be understanding to a point and then also thinking hang on, mh needs just aren’t being met even half way here. I am touched by the gestures and truly if someone is that anxious you know I struggle but try to understand but u also feel there is a bit of selfishness ans perhaps well, playing here

OP posts:
Silverbirchleaf · 24/08/2026 13:22

He likes the idea of a relationship, more than actually having relationship. As others have said, life’s too short. Maybe explain this you feel, and if he diesn’t change, ditch him.

DangleDonkey · 24/08/2026 12:53

Mirrur · 24/08/2026 12:45

Leave. A relationship with an avoidant person is a lifetime opportunity of pain and misery. They abuse your feelings to make themselves feel better. You need security? Tough. You want commitment? Tough. You want to feel desired? Tough.

Your whole relationship will be you pushing a boulder uphill.

I agree so much with this. Having tried every which way to make my avoidant partner show equal commitment to me that I did to him, to communicate my needs when I did so much to accommodate his, to be told he just wasn't emotional and I shouldn't try to change him (even though being with him meant I had to change and adjust so much) - for 7 years - it didn't work. I got therapy, we broke up, he finally got that I did actually contribute to his life and wellbeing and begged for me back - and his "apology" was all about him and not even a word about the impact on me.

He wasn't a bad person, he just did not have any understanding or recognition that being in a relationship means interdependency, being a team rather than two individuals who each look after themselves and it was exhausting (and had a massive impact on my self esteem) trying and failing to get him to see my worth.

Picklebite · 24/08/2026 12:52

Have you ever actually met them in person?

smallglassbottle · 24/08/2026 12:49

AAs can only be tolerated if you're very tough and have absolutely no emotional needs whatsoever. They'll take no responsibility for their actions and blame you for everything.

They're only useful for ornamental purposes and if you're absolutely desperate or don't care about being in a relationship and just want companionship. They're fairly easy to bully and manipulate if you're into that type of thing.

Mirrur · 24/08/2026 12:45

Leave. A relationship with an avoidant person is a lifetime opportunity of pain and misery. They abuse your feelings to make themselves feel better. You need security? Tough. You want commitment? Tough. You want to feel desired? Tough.

Your whole relationship will be you pushing a boulder uphill.

Mycatmax · 24/08/2026 12:42

I mean, it depends.

How desperate are you?

SunshineSpice · 24/08/2026 12:37

Sounds like a waste of time

LadyLooo · 24/08/2026 12:33

Have you actually met them?

Original poster
Rosie8880 · 24/08/2026 12:31

plsbekinddelicate · 24/08/2026 12:26

Life’s too short

Starting to feel this way

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