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Original poster

Friend assuming wedding invite despite not inviting me to hers the same year..

262 replies

wedding27 · 24/08/2026 10:57

I'm curious what people think is more important with wedding invites: inviting those who have invited you, vs inviting full friendship / family groups so no one is left out.

We have recently decided to get married next year and have just started letting friends and family know.

I am part of a group of 6 very close friends (20+ years, meet every few months, always attend major life events etc) and one of the others is also getting married next year. She has been planning the wedding for 6 months and although I initially took if for granted I'd be invited (don't think I said this to her, just thought it) it's slowly dawned on me that I am not. It's a big wedding venue and local so not really an issue of space.

Despite going to the engagement party, there were lots of weird hints over the 6 months that I wasn't invited but the real kicker was discovering from one of the other women in the group that there has been a hen do WhatsApp for months and it's now all booked. So I was quite sad but accepted we maybe aren't as close as I thought and that was that.

I then awkwardly had to tell her we were also getting married next year. I didn't give anything away about the date, who was invited, size of wedding etc. just to try and keep my options open. However, she immediately assumed she was invited and started talking about how excited she was and how much she was looking forward to it(!!) So then I started thinking: Have I got the wrong end of the stick about the hen do somehow?! But lo and behold the save the dates have already gone out and I haven't received one. I asked her directly and she has confirmed we are evening only, her rationale being that she's not inviting our group except one women who is an exception.

But why would she assume she's coming to mine?!
I guess it's because we are a level of closeness that she has taken it as a given she would be invited, as had I with hers initially! But it doesn't feel very fair.

Ultimately I am inviting this group of friends. One of them is even going to be a bridesmaid. I don't really want to exclude just one person from the group but this feels a bit bizarre and quite cheeky. It's mainly the hen do I'm upset about to be honest, because obviously as an evening guest I'm completely excluded from that whereas she would be coming to mine a month or two later..

AIBU?

OP posts:
Grimwald · 24/08/2026 12:12

All you need to do is ask yourself this question: do I want this woman to attend my wedding? There are only two answers available. If it's "yes" then send her an invitation. If it's "no" then don't.

AnonyMumAuDHD · 24/08/2026 12:12

wedding27 · 24/08/2026 11:06

No, only 1 out of the group is going to hen do and wedding during the day.

Ultimately she's decided to prioritise other groups of friends (work, uni etc), which I guess is reasonable, although disappointing. But It is the assumption about my wedding that's thrown me.

Show quote history

Honestly I would just DM her and say: ‘just wanted clarify early, rather than let expectations build, that we are keeping the wedding small due to limited spaces and sadly it means that we won’t be sending you an invitation to the day. I know you understand as you’ve made similar decisions for your own wedding and hen do, both of which I am sure will be amazing. Xx’

nomas · 24/08/2026 12:08

wedding27 · 24/08/2026 11:40

True.. but she has a much smaller family and the wedding budget is at least 4x ours.

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If she says anything say you’ve had to prioritise your family.

SunnyRedSnail · 24/08/2026 12:08

@wedding27 do you know WHICH of the others is going to the hen party and wedding? Could you then perhaps speak to one of the other 4 to ask what they think?

If I was part of a group of 6 good friends and found out I wasn't invited to a hen party and wedding even though it was a big wedding (so numbers not an issue) then I'd be rather miffed.

It makes you start to think why one of the group is more important to this woman than the other four of you. And then if she doesn't consider you as much of a friend but you did, then you start to feel a bit silly.

But to not invite you to the main wedding then expect to be part of yours is odd.

You could perhaps invite her and stick her on the table with boring aunties and weird uncles at the back of the room?

nomas · 24/08/2026 12:08

.

jay55 · 24/08/2026 12:07

I think the whole hinting your not invited stuff would have soured me on her in the first place and I’d have cooled the friendship already.
Anyone getting pleasure out of ranking their friends is a dick.

Enoughofpeopleenough · 24/08/2026 12:07

I don't see the problem here. You were invited to hers. An evening invite is still an invite.

Apupandablanket · 24/08/2026 12:06

Just invite people you would imagine helping you celebrate your 25th wedding anniversary, regardless if they've invited you to their wedding or not

FreddoEspresso · 24/08/2026 12:04

Why would you simply not match her invitation to evening only? sO NO hen do and no all day participation.

No need for the angst. I wouldn't give the fact you are inviting the others another thought.

I would be gobsmacked at her assumption though.

nomas · 24/08/2026 12:04

wedding27 · 24/08/2026 12:02

In fairness she hasn't. It's only the one friend from the group who is attending both the wedding and hen do. So it could be worse!

It just still feels awkward though. Because she and the other woman will be going on and on about the hen do in the weeks leading up to it and after it. Because they're already so excited for it, it's so big budget etc. And this time next year it will just be like: " have a good time on your hen do! See you next month for mine..!"

Show quote history

As they are crass enough to talk about it in front of people who not invited, then I really wouldn’t invite either of them to your wedding or hen.

Original poster
wedding27 · 24/08/2026 12:02

ExOptimist · 24/08/2026 11:57

@DrinkFeckArseBrick But the friend did deliberately exclude the OP from the hen do, all the others were invited.
I would just invite her to the evening do.

Edited

In fairness she hasn't. It's only the one friend from the group who is attending both the wedding and hen do. So it could be worse!

It just still feels awkward though. Because she and the other woman will be going on and on about the hen do in the weeks leading up to it and after it. Because they're already so excited for it, it's so big budget etc. And this time next year it will just be like: " have a good time on your hen do! See you next month for mine..!"

OP posts:
ABitFab · 24/08/2026 12:01

Definitely do not invite her she hasn't invited you. End of.

12234m · 24/08/2026 11:58

Don't invite for reasons other than you want them there, not out of obligation. I would hate just an evening invite as I want to see the couple get married. I don't care about the party. Absolutely leave her out, as the only one, if that's how you feel. Or use your words and speak to her. See what your numbers are, make a genuine decision for real reasons then go from there.

ExOptimist · 24/08/2026 11:57

@DrinkFeckArseBrick But the friend did deliberately exclude the OP from the hen do, all the others were invited.
I would just invite her to the evening do.

Original poster
wedding27 · 24/08/2026 11:55

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 24/08/2026 11:46

Going against the grain but I think its different not inviting a whole group other than one person, (which is what she did) vs inviting a whole group ex one person (which is what you're proposing). The first is prioritising different groups, the second is excluding one person.

Yes it's a bit cheeky to assume she is invited if she didn't invite you to hers. But again I think deliberately leaving one person out of a group as a form of punishment is a bit harsh, if you want to carry on the friendship

I'm not proposing that I leave her out. In fact in my update I said I was 90% sure I'd invite her to the full day.

I'm just sharing that it feels like a bit of a kick in the teeth when it's not reciprocated when the hen dos and weddings are so close together, and is making me consider whether I should prioritise this friendship as highly as I do. But if I want to invite the whole group then I know I need to invite her.

OP posts:
GottaBeStrong · 24/08/2026 11:51

JHITRM77 · 24/08/2026 11:03

I'd treat her the same, not invited to the hen do and an evening only invite tbh. That's really cheeky 💐

Do this.

Stormyrose · 24/08/2026 11:47

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 24/08/2026 11:46

Going against the grain but I think its different not inviting a whole group other than one person, (which is what she did) vs inviting a whole group ex one person (which is what you're proposing). The first is prioritising different groups, the second is excluding one person.

Yes it's a bit cheeky to assume she is invited if she didn't invite you to hers. But again I think deliberately leaving one person out of a group as a form of punishment is a bit harsh, if you want to carry on the friendship

Agree, it’s hugely over reacting.

Stormyrose · 24/08/2026 11:46

I also think you’re over thinking this, really invites are not tit for tat. Only one woman from the group is there during the day and the hen, the other 5 are not.

stop thinking about how that ranks you as friends, you’re still invited.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 24/08/2026 11:46

Going against the grain but I think its different not inviting a whole group other than one person, (which is what she did) vs inviting a whole group ex one person (which is what you're proposing). The first is prioritising different groups, the second is excluding one person.

Yes it's a bit cheeky to assume she is invited if she didn't invite you to hers. But again I think deliberately leaving one person out of a group as a form of punishment is a bit harsh, if you want to carry on the friendship

TossieFleacake · 24/08/2026 11:46

I would feel more upset over the hen do too .... as far as I understand it, hen dos are for all friends and family, not just those deemed important enough for a day invite.
I can understand having to limit day invites but the lack of invite to the hen would have me questioning our friendship.

PinkyFlamingo · 24/08/2026 11:44

wedding27 · 24/08/2026 11:32

I don't want it to be tit for tat or the source of any drama.

I'm about 90% sure we will still invite her and her STBH for the day.

I'm just shocked at her assumption when she's not intending to reciprocate the invite at a similarly sized local wedding. She doesn't have loads of family to invite at all, it's work and uni friends that are mainly invited. It feels a bit of a kick in the teeth. I had completely assumed she would be thinking: "Of shit I hope they don't invite us to the wedding day when we haven't invited them"

So font invite her then, she's not inviting you I wouldn't spend money on someone who clearly doesn't think as much of you as you did of her.

Forelon · 24/08/2026 11:44

You’re massively overthinking. She probably assumed you were inviting everyone to the evening.

You haven’t been treated differently to the group- you are all invited evening.

Melarus · 24/08/2026 11:44

I'd say you're overthinking this massively. Enjoy your wedding, enjoy hers ... isn't that what it's all about?

Original poster
wedding27 · 24/08/2026 11:42

Lentilcakes · 24/08/2026 11:39

This is odd. I got married a long time ago but I invited ‘everyone’ to the hen (was local - in our city, then a few came back to mine to continue the party), even evening guests.

She’s being cheeky and I’d probably decide nearer the time whether I’d want her as a day or evening guest, and def don’t invite her to the hen. Are the all other members of the group invited to her hen except you? If so that’s very bad form. I do get that within a group that there are different levels of friendship though.

It's not a local hen. It will be quite pricey and accommodation has all been booked to accommodate a very specific number of people.

OP posts:
HavfrueDenizKisi · 24/08/2026 11:42

Well she hasn’t actually treated you any differently than the majority of the friendship group so on that basis I would be treating her the same as the rest of the group. I get that it’s annoying that she assumes she will be invited. You can’t really just exclude her as that will forever change the whole dynamics of the group.

Also I bloody hate evening invites to weddings. We didn’t have any at ours - you were either close enough to celebrate our day with us or not. Not second tier cram ins. Also arriving as an evening guest is always grim. However it seems a very English thing (foreign parents here although mostly grew up in UK) so perhaps I just don’t get it.