Friend assuming wedding invite despite not inviting me to hers the same year..

But when she said great looking forward to it etc. perhaps she also meant just the evening.

No one has that much front to invite someone just to the evening and expect a whole day invite in return.

I think you've got the wrong end of the stick OP (or at least I hope so).

X

Weddings are hard enough without drama so just invite her and get it off your desk is my advice.

If you want to point score, text her individually and say you're organising your hen but you know she's still finalising hers and you don't want to put everyone through the same thing twice or clash dates so where and when is her hen and who is invited?

I so agree with this!!

Where she said ‘at the moment, the plan is to invite you to the evening do…’ she might actually have you on a standby list to upgrade to the day event if people can’t come. Which is still not great, being a ‘standby’.

I like @thing47comment about not having finalised your guest list yet and approaching it in the same way she has. And PP comments about stopping/ reducing all the other invites to baby showers etc.

Having read your updates OP, I absolutely would not invite her.

I don't understand why you would invite someone who is openly showing you she doesn't regard you enough to be a full guest at her wedding - while expecting to be a full guest at yours.

Don't let this woman walk over you in this way. I don't understand those who think 'be the bigger person' because by doing so, in this context, OP is allowing herself to be played for a fool. They have decades of friendship, yet only one of them considers it worthy of a proper part in their wedding and the lead up celebrations.

Nah, this wouldn't work for me. There would be no fallout, but I would mentally note my position in this person's life and match it like for like. Her brazenness over assuming she would be fully invited you your wedding OP, shows that she considers herself superior/more popular in some way.

I would invite her if I wanted her there. If I didn't particularly want her there but thought the fallout would be too much for the group I'd do evening only.

My wedding invitations weren't tit for tat. I didn't actually go to the wedding of two of my bridesmaids! For one I couldn't make the date, and the other only had parents in attendance.

I did debate over about five people who were part of a large group but I didn't especially want there. I did invite them in the end but I'm not sure if I would do so if I had it to do again - all of them were much more cut throat about invitations to their subsequent weddings (which was fine), so actually I don't think they'd have cared!

I’d ask her ‘how did you manage to choose who to invite to your wedding? I have lots of friends I’d like there but can’t invite everyone. And was it hard that some friends assumed they would be invited but you had to stick to agreed numbers?’

The people you want to share your special day with.

You just described an evening do perfectly.

If it were my wedding I wouldn't invite her to the main event

What is an evening do? Dinner or party with dancing? What is the point of that? That is not being invited to a wedding. I am originally not from the UK. In my country it is normal that everyone is being invited to the wedding ceremony which is the most important part. However, not everyone is invited for dinner. This will be mentioned on the invite. But, often you are invited for the party after dinner. So some people have to sort themselves out for dinner and later go to the evening party if there is one. But, if you are only invited to the wedding ceremony and do not get any dinner we give less money as a wedding gift which is the norm where I am from.

Unfortunately yo missed the perfect opportunity when she said about coming. I'd have said actually I was thinking I'd just invite you guys to the evening do as I didn't want to make you feel awkward about not inviting us to the day

I initially thought definitely do not invite but the more I have read the more I think you should. If you don't invite her then you can say goodbye to your friendship group as you know it. If you do then for years to come your friendship group will reminisce about your wedding and there will be very little said about hers if anything it you all don't get an evening invite. However I would still let her know you are disappointed not to be invited.

This is unbelievably rude. The only world in which this would excusable behaviour from your friend would be if she was having a small wedding, but she's not.

I don't understand how people can do this to close friends of 20 years who see each other regularly still?! What a shame OP. At least only 1 person from your friendship group is invited to the full shabang and you're in the same boat as 3 of your other friends in this group. Would be much worse if you were the only one excluded.

Absolutely baffling that she has just assumed she's getting a full invite to yours in these circumstances. No self awareness whatsoever.

Is there any way you can address it directly next to time she talks about your wedding? If she says oh it will be so good, can you say oh when is yours by the way, am I invited?

The presents.
When I told a colleague I was not having engagement or evening parties, her answer 'you won't get as many presents'. Funny thing being, she would not have been invited anyway.
That is not why we married.
My hen 'do' (awful expression) was for eight of my closest.
And I knew every single guest in church.

what's the point of an evening do? the day is about the ceremony, the getting married, if you don't want or respect people enough to be at that what and why are they invited to something else? vanity? indulgent? presents? peer pressure? insecurity? desire to look impressive?

At my 50th birthday I had a wake up call when I realised the room was full of people who I liked, but I was never invited to theirs. Now in my 60s, I have a strict rule of 'matching energy'. I still see most of those people, but for some of them it is usually 121 for a coffee. I just can't be arsed to keep inviting people who never reciprocate. My 60th was a much smaller party, but I still had a great time.
My advice is to gracefully accept you are not that important to her and focus on those who make you feel valued. She's told you who matters to her - you should listen.
Don't leave it till you're old to have the confidence to do this - don't be like me!

No she’s not! The wedding is the ceremony!! The evening part is the left over end part of the celebrations and the part when everyone who’s been there all day is starting to go home! People only get invited to evening dos for the present they bring

we have been inviting her to so many events for just our family and closest friends in the last year or so (baby shower, christening, first birthday etc. and soon our wedding!)

I would stop all of that going forward.

Ps and obviously I wouldn’t go to the evening do - hell would have to freeze over etc !!

I would definitely NOT invite her to any part of the wedding and yes my reasoning would be tit for tat!
Otherwise this so called friend will continue to treat her so called friends like dirt - she sounds very entitled.

You assumed you were invited to hers and vice versa. You are free not to invite her when the time comes. If you do though, it will be because you want to include your whole group, not because she's weedled her way in. Might feel better to see it that way.