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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend assuming wedding invite despite not inviting me to hers the same year..

262 replies

wedding27 · 24/08/2026 10:57

I'm curious what people think is more important with wedding invites: inviting those who have invited you, vs inviting full friendship / family groups so no one is left out.

We have recently decided to get married next year and have just started letting friends and family know.

I am part of a group of 6 very close friends (20+ years, meet every few months, always attend major life events etc) and one of the others is also getting married next year. She has been planning the wedding for 6 months and although I initially took if for granted I'd be invited (don't think I said this to her, just thought it) it's slowly dawned on me that I am not. It's a big wedding venue and local so not really an issue of space.

Despite going to the engagement party, there were lots of weird hints over the 6 months that I wasn't invited but the real kicker was discovering from one of the other women in the group that there has been a hen do WhatsApp for months and it's now all booked. So I was quite sad but accepted we maybe aren't as close as I thought and that was that.

I then awkwardly had to tell her we were also getting married next year. I didn't give anything away about the date, who was invited, size of wedding etc. just to try and keep my options open. However, she immediately assumed she was invited and started talking about how excited she was and how much she was looking forward to it(!!) So then I started thinking: Have I got the wrong end of the stick about the hen do somehow?! But lo and behold the save the dates have already gone out and I haven't received one. I asked her directly and she has confirmed we are evening only, her rationale being that she's not inviting our group except one women who is an exception.

But why would she assume she's coming to mine?!
I guess it's because we are a level of closeness that she has taken it as a given she would be invited, as had I with hers initially! But it doesn't feel very fair.

Ultimately I am inviting this group of friends. One of them is even going to be a bridesmaid. I don't really want to exclude just one person from the group but this feels a bit bizarre and quite cheeky. It's mainly the hen do I'm upset about to be honest, because obviously as an evening guest I'm completely excluded from that whereas she would be coming to mine a month or two later..

AIBU?

OP posts:
ABoldStatement · 25/08/2026 18:56

"Ban her and let your ushers know!"

OP, print photos of her face and pin them up in the wedding venue. Send digital copies to the ushers.

/s

AguNwaanyi · 25/08/2026 18:54

DO NOT INVITE HER.

I'm telling you now you will regret it. This always happens when people feel guilted into extending invites where it is never reciprocated. If you have an evening thing then invite her to that as well; same status.

She's likely talking as though she's coming because she's relying on you to feel uncomfortable about not inviting her as a result. Has this been present in your friendship dynamic before?

Strawberrymilkshakez · 25/08/2026 18:54

I would ask her why your group are not invited to any of her wedding/hen? I think she is about to cause ructions within the group by doing that. I would invite her to the evening. Cf probably wants a free dinner! Who is getting married first? Maybe she would like some ideas!

anon12345anon · 25/08/2026 18:52

@wedding27 please match her energy.

Its not tit for tat, but she clearly doesn't see your group the same as you.

Not a problem, but just do as she does....evening invite only......

BeddysMum · 25/08/2026 18:51

She is not your friend. I'd re-evaluate the whole group at this point. Ban her and let your ushers know!

Bunny65 · 25/08/2026 18:51

saveforthat · 24/08/2026 11:00

Why is it obvious that evening guests are excluded from hen dos? In my day hen dos were for all your mates and sometimes family.

Absolutely. I was invited to a hen and stag do and then the evening do. I didn't think anything of it.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 25/08/2026 18:37

wedding27 · 24/08/2026 16:30

I think its probably also worth adding that the evening invite part was a bit vague too so not sure I can 100% count on that..

She said "at the moment the plan is to invite you [and 3 others not invited] to the evening"

It was said very much in way where in the future I could see her backtracking and saying they decided they couldn't do that because of X, Y or Z.

‘At the moment’ might mean, I’m hoping Great Aunty Eun turns us down so I can invite more day guests.

ABoldStatement · 25/08/2026 18:33

wedding27 · 25/08/2026 09:39

I didn't know for definite that she wasn't inviting me / only inviting me to the evening when she assumed she was coming to my wedding and got all excited. I was so taken aback by her reaction I genuinely thought "wow I've somehow got this wrong about the hen and I am invited after all" and then we started talking excitedly about her wedding!

It was only later that day when I asked around that I discovered others had already received save the dates so I messaged her upfront to confirm what was going on

Show quote history

It was only later that day when I asked around that I discovered others had already received save the dates so I messaged her upfront to confirm what was going on

You seem to mean save the dates for the hen do. But you said that only one of your group had been invited to this women's hen do, so who are the "others" who received save the dates...?

Jorge14 · 25/08/2026 18:11

Don’t invite her. What a CF! Why would she exclude you from her hen?!? & then expect to be invited. I hate wedding dynamics & if I had my time again I’d elope but this is pure cheeky f**kery

Janecat23 · 25/08/2026 18:10

Be the bigger person and invite her if you want her to come.

Anna1mac · 25/08/2026 18:02

Whilst I agree that folks are allowed to invite or not anyone they want, there are some etiquette rules... Last weekend me and my fiancee were going to his friends daughter's wedding. I didn't expect an invite but whatever. Then, two days before the wedding the dad (my fiancee's friend) said it was evening only. Perfect, we thought (more than I expected, considering we don't even know his daughter). Then on Saturday afternoon my fiancée tells me there's been a mistake and he is invited to the whole day but I have evening only invite. (We have been together for 10 years and the the said friend always tells me how I'm part of the "family"....yeah right!) So, we went to evening only. AND then I discovered that there were NO OTHER evening only invitees... Fuck weddings, quite frankly!!!!

Merrycritictime · 25/08/2026 18:00

Invite her for the evening end of. What’s to discuss? If you invite her for the whole shebang you’ll resent it, just tell her you’re taking her cue, if she asks. ‘I thought it was appropriate as you invited me for the evening, is there a problem?’…if she says there is then she’s putting herself in a laughable position. Honestly…F her. ‘Entitled’ people don’t deserve to be given special treatment.

bananaobama · 25/08/2026 17:55

Count yourself lucky you dont have to go on the hen

Tuesdayschild50 · 25/08/2026 17:54

Give back the same.. no hen do invite.
Evening only .

bananaobama · 25/08/2026 17:53

So she isn’t excluding you. She’s treating you the same as the others in the group

totally fine imo. Dont be petty

squeaver · 25/08/2026 17:50

wedding27 · 25/08/2026 09:39

I didn't know for definite that she wasn't inviting me / only inviting me to the evening when she assumed she was coming to my wedding and got all excited. I was so taken aback by her reaction I genuinely thought "wow I've somehow got this wrong about the hen and I am invited after all" and then we started talking excitedly about her wedding!

It was only later that day when I asked around that I discovered others had already received save the dates so I messaged her upfront to confirm what was going on

Show quote history

She's pretty bloody shameless. Good for you for rising above it, OP, but I'd be sending that invitation through gritted teeth.

I hope you'll update us when your other friends find out they're only invited to the evening do too.

Truetoself · 25/08/2026 17:45

Have you asked why you are not invited to the hen? And why would the four others not wonder too? If they have said nothing this indicates they agree with the bride

Hanksness · 25/08/2026 17:38

I cannot believe you have invited her to so many intimate events, are treat like this and are going to just take.

OP, no wonder she thinks she is so important to you and your life and you are on the periphery of hers.

How on earth do you maintain a sense of self respect and allow someone treat you like that?

Garfieldloveslasagnepie · 25/08/2026 17:35

I wouldn’t invite her. Evening only. Why would you want her at the day when she doesn’t want you at hers. Absolutely not.

SandyHappyPerson · 25/08/2026 17:22

Nearly50omg · 24/08/2026 21:42

No she’s not! The wedding is the ceremony!! The evening part is the left over end part of the celebrations and the part when everyone who’s been there all day is starting to go home! People only get invited to evening dos for the present they bring

Show quote history

People only get invited to evening dos for the present they bring

Not in my experience, IMO the wedding is the formality and the evening do is the 'celebration' of the wedding, I appreciate people may feel differently, but
I think the wedding itself can often be a complete borefest, and I've been to plenty, but as a guest there is often a LOT of waiting around for things to happen.

You wait to go in, sit quietly while the ceremony happens, usually wait around after the ceremony while photographers are doing their thing, wait to be able to go and sit down for the meal, often sat with people the B&G have decided to put you with, sit quietly through speeches.. it's all very nice and all, and lovely to see it happen.. but good god it's fucking boring. I purposely did my wedding very different to avoid the parts I hate about weddings.

The evening celebration is where it is at IMO, everyone is more relaxed as the stress of the day is over, you can socialise with whoever you like, and you can properly celebrate the occasion.

FebruaryUsername · 25/08/2026 15:07

It sounds like it's obvious to her that this friendship group is more important to you than it is to her, and hence she assumed she's invited and she's excited for you.
I have friends like this, I see them a couple of times a year and I wouldn't describe them as really close friends, they might not be invited to the day if I was planning a wedding as I have a lot of closer groups of friends. But I still value them and am excited to be attending their celebrations like hen dos and weddings.

greenpolkadot55 · 25/08/2026 14:16

SparkyBlue · 24/08/2026 11:08

I’m going to be a petty cow and I’d not invite her. I’ve come across these situations before and it almost feels like these people think their event is more important that yours or something like that . Please don’t pass her any apologies or get into any drama with her over it. We had this whole thing with cousins as several of us in the family got married over a short space of time and a particular cousin had no other cousins at the wedding as she had so many friends etc etc but rest of us cousins did invite each other to our wedding’s as we’d all grown up together as children and all got on great despite as adults maybe not seeing each other too much. Anyway the first cousin was highly offended at not being invited to the rest of the weddings.

I'd do the same.

mindutopia · 25/08/2026 13:44

It’s a bit weird she assumes she’s invited to yours, but quite clearly didn’t invite your friend group to hers. Maybe she knows you aren’t so petty! 😂

I would invite the people you want to have there on the day to witness the start of your marriage. I invited people to my wedding who didn’t invite me to theirs and I had people who invited me to their weddings who I didn’t or wouldn’t have invited to mine. It’s fine. You cut your cloth to fit. Don’t worry about what anyone else is doing, but do be upfront if you don’t intend to invite this group of friends rather than being so passive aggressive about it, like she has been.

KindlySurfiingPlatypus · 25/08/2026 13:32

JHITRM77 · 24/08/2026 11:03

I'd treat her the same, not invited to the hen do and an evening only invite tbh. That's really cheeky 💐

This

Ladyfromthehill · 25/08/2026 13:30

OttersOnAPlane · 24/08/2026 11:13

I don't think weddings should be tit for tat. I think they are about whom you'd like to celebrate with.

She has invited the friendship group to the evening do, except one all day. That's absolutely fine and not ostracising anyone. The group is Second Tier in her mind.

You want to invite the friendship group to the entire wedding. That's also fine - to you the group is First Tier.

You can't just invite her to the evening and everyone else to the day, that's petty and downright cruel.
You could make the whole group evening only, but why would you when you'd like them there?

Wedding invitations aren't like Nectar points. You don't earn them by collecting enough loyalty points.

Your first sentence- it applies to OP, who may not want to celebrate with someone wh osees her as an inferior friend, surely. If the 'friend' can only pick one firned to invite to the whole thing, OP can invite everyone but her.
Ultimately, the friend should be treated the way she herself was treated, you dont want to be treated in a certain way, dont treat others in that way either. Unless you are the said friend...