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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend assuming wedding invite despite not inviting me to hers the same year..

262 replies

wedding27 · 24/08/2026 10:57

I'm curious what people think is more important with wedding invites: inviting those who have invited you, vs inviting full friendship / family groups so no one is left out.

We have recently decided to get married next year and have just started letting friends and family know.

I am part of a group of 6 very close friends (20+ years, meet every few months, always attend major life events etc) and one of the others is also getting married next year. She has been planning the wedding for 6 months and although I initially took if for granted I'd be invited (don't think I said this to her, just thought it) it's slowly dawned on me that I am not. It's a big wedding venue and local so not really an issue of space.

Despite going to the engagement party, there were lots of weird hints over the 6 months that I wasn't invited but the real kicker was discovering from one of the other women in the group that there has been a hen do WhatsApp for months and it's now all booked. So I was quite sad but accepted we maybe aren't as close as I thought and that was that.

I then awkwardly had to tell her we were also getting married next year. I didn't give anything away about the date, who was invited, size of wedding etc. just to try and keep my options open. However, she immediately assumed she was invited and started talking about how excited she was and how much she was looking forward to it(!!) So then I started thinking: Have I got the wrong end of the stick about the hen do somehow?! But lo and behold the save the dates have already gone out and I haven't received one. I asked her directly and she has confirmed we are evening only, her rationale being that she's not inviting our group except one women who is an exception.

But why would she assume she's coming to mine?!
I guess it's because we are a level of closeness that she has taken it as a given she would be invited, as had I with hers initially! But it doesn't feel very fair.

Ultimately I am inviting this group of friends. One of them is even going to be a bridesmaid. I don't really want to exclude just one person from the group but this feels a bit bizarre and quite cheeky. It's mainly the hen do I'm upset about to be honest, because obviously as an evening guest I'm completely excluded from that whereas she would be coming to mine a month or two later..

AIBU?

OP posts:
AguNwaanyi · 25/08/2026 22:01

Melarus · 24/08/2026 13:41

And what do you think would happen if OP - who presumably quite likes this woman in general and wants to preserve the friendship group - invites her to her whole wedding and hen do, while accepting the friend's invitation to the evening-only part of her wedding?

What would be the worst possible outcome in this scenario?

Show quote history

No one will die, but she may regret inviting someone based on prioritising their feelings over her own.

I don't see this as OP looking at her friendship as transactional. I see this as an eyeopener as to the status of their friendship, which she had presumed was a lot closer. Doesn't make the friend a bad person, but it's absolutely fine to adjust your expectations of, and how much you pour into, a friendship to match the depth of it.

Sess249 · 25/08/2026 21:41

I guess you could not invite her and then if she asks to with “oh you didn’t invite me so I didn’t think we were at invitation level of friends, and I followed your lead!” That might blow apart your friendship group though.

it’s your wedding and it will be stressful enough, I guess you have to decide what’s the least stressful for you, and if you want her there or not

FreyaW · 25/08/2026 21:36

Lol...I think you're crazy if you invite her.

tomatoplants · 25/08/2026 20:57

FlorianTV · 25/08/2026 20:48

Since hitting 40, I’ve decided to stop always being the bigger person, or the kind person that everyone depends on. And I have definitely stopped taking the high road. It’s ok to suit myself. I’ve started treating people how they treat me. I’d invite her to the evening only and not the hen do either. If she questions it I’d say I was just following your lead.

Yes same. As I’ve got older I look out for me more and am
less of a nice pushover!!

tomatoplants · 25/08/2026 20:56

I think you find out your true friends with things like this. You’re not as important to her but thinks she’s super important to you.

I actually don’t think it’s petty not to invite for the day/hen. Don’t let her walk all over you. Invite her to the evening. Up to you about hen but I’d not bother inviting her to that either

Franjipanl8r · 25/08/2026 20:53

It’s only a wedding. Invite her if you want her there, don’t invite her if you don’t.

FlorianTV · 25/08/2026 20:48

Since hitting 40, I’ve decided to stop always being the bigger person, or the kind person that everyone depends on. And I have definitely stopped taking the high road. It’s ok to suit myself. I’ve started treating people how they treat me. I’d invite her to the evening only and not the hen do either. If she questions it I’d say I was just following your lead.

Awkwardisfunny · 25/08/2026 20:44

wedding27 · 24/08/2026 10:57

I'm curious what people think is more important with wedding invites: inviting those who have invited you, vs inviting full friendship / family groups so no one is left out.

We have recently decided to get married next year and have just started letting friends and family know.

I am part of a group of 6 very close friends (20+ years, meet every few months, always attend major life events etc) and one of the others is also getting married next year. She has been planning the wedding for 6 months and although I initially took if for granted I'd be invited (don't think I said this to her, just thought it) it's slowly dawned on me that I am not. It's a big wedding venue and local so not really an issue of space.

Despite going to the engagement party, there were lots of weird hints over the 6 months that I wasn't invited but the real kicker was discovering from one of the other women in the group that there has been a hen do WhatsApp for months and it's now all booked. So I was quite sad but accepted we maybe aren't as close as I thought and that was that.

I then awkwardly had to tell her we were also getting married next year. I didn't give anything away about the date, who was invited, size of wedding etc. just to try and keep my options open. However, she immediately assumed she was invited and started talking about how excited she was and how much she was looking forward to it(!!) So then I started thinking: Have I got the wrong end of the stick about the hen do somehow?! But lo and behold the save the dates have already gone out and I haven't received one. I asked her directly and she has confirmed we are evening only, her rationale being that she's not inviting our group except one women who is an exception.

But why would she assume she's coming to mine?!
I guess it's because we are a level of closeness that she has taken it as a given she would be invited, as had I with hers initially! But it doesn't feel very fair.

Ultimately I am inviting this group of friends. One of them is even going to be a bridesmaid. I don't really want to exclude just one person from the group but this feels a bit bizarre and quite cheeky. It's mainly the hen do I'm upset about to be honest, because obviously as an evening guest I'm completely excluded from that whereas she would be coming to mine a month or two later..

AIBU?

Nothing awkward here at all, just let her know she is evening only as you need to prioritise paying for guests who are close friends / family. This woman proved she isn't a close friend.

I wouldn't worry at all about inviting everyone from the group except her - as long as you have evidence the others in your group actually are your friends(!) just stick to 'close friends' and stress the 'evening' part so she knows it's reciprocal. Doubt I would even invite her to that.

SpidersAreShitheads · 25/08/2026 20:35

I think you and the rest of the group may well end up with an invite to the day wedding,

Her comment about “the plan for now” suggests that you’re on the standby list. People always drop out or can’t make it, so you’ll probably be bumped up eventually.

The others in the group will possibly assume that you misunderstood and that they were always invited to the whole thing, as she hasn’t told them either way.

It’s very messy all round.

You say her hen do is extravagant- would you have wanted to go if you had been invited? Might she have assumed that you didn’t have the £££s?

I don’t think you’re wrong to feel hurt. Honestly this would stick with me always and I’d always know that I was a second tier friend to her, when you’ve treated her as a close friend.

As you say, it’s really awkward to exclude her if you’re inviting the full friendship group - it’s the kind of thing that could lead to the group fracturing. I doubt she’d get over being excluded - in the same way you won’t. It would really really stick in my gut to invite her but if you want to keep the group intact you’ll probably have to.

Did you invite her to any events where you didn’t invite the others? Or have you always invited each other as a full group?

Lovernotafighter83 · 25/08/2026 20:31

Maybe she’s just assuming you’ll invite her to the evening.

Alittlefrustrated · 25/08/2026 20:29

Yes, she's presumptuous, but if you are inviting the whole group I wouldn't leave her out.
She didn't do thst to you and it would be cruel.

anon666 · 25/08/2026 20:22

Definitely do not invite her.

venus7 · 25/08/2026 20:19

wedding27 · 24/08/2026 11:40

True.. but she has a much smaller family and the wedding budget is at least 4x ours.

Show quote history

You are clearly determined to be offended; people can always find offence when they want to. You could just focus on enjoying your own wedding.

Blondeshavemorefun · 25/08/2026 20:16

wedding27 · 24/08/2026 11:06

No, only 1 out of the group is going to hen do and wedding during the day.

Ultimately she's decided to prioritise other groups of friends (work, uni etc), which I guess is reasonable, although disappointing. But It is the assumption about my wedding that's thrown me.

Show quote history

Then tell her , that sure she will understand that she’s only coming to the evening , like you are to hers - and sure she will understand as same like you have 😉that you have other people to consider all day

hens now seem to cost 100’s so be happy not going

and if only one of the group of you are going all day - then it’s not that you ar being deliberately missed out

SparklyLeader · 25/08/2026 20:07

Just don't invite her. If she brings up the missing invite, tell her, straight up, do not apologize, in any way, do not sugar coat, I am not inviting you to my wedding, just as you did not invite me to yours. Truthfully, I was surprised to discover when I was not invited to your wedding that you and I are not friends like that, but I respect your boundaries, and I have honored them. Cc the friend group

Eurovisionwatcherbecauselol · 25/08/2026 19:58

Why is it a tit for tat? She has only invited one of the girls group, if she'd invited everyone I'd understand but she hasn't she's invited one and the rest ( you included) have been invited to the evening do, what's the pettiness about? Invite if want to or don't but could cause a divide

12234m · 25/08/2026 19:34

bananaobama · 25/08/2026 17:55

Count yourself lucky you dont have to go on the hen

Even if one is invited somewhere, it doesn't mean you have to go...

Bogliasco · 25/08/2026 19:32

wedding27 · 24/08/2026 21:34

Haha don't worry I'm a nosy parker with things on here too.

I don't think I'll be making any immediate decisions about the invites, but I'm leaning towards inviting her along with the rest of the group as planned. And trying my best not to let it become a big thing.. easier said than done as I am feeling hurt and disappointed.

I understand people on here saying it's petty not to invite her and I'm making a big deal of it but I do think wedding invites often shine a light on who people truly value, which can be hurtful to see.

Ultimately it's not just about the weddings but whether we should be prioritising her in the way that we do. It seemed like such a given I would be invited that when I first mentioned I noticed something off, my DP and my mum were both like "don't be silly, of course she's inviting you!" But now my DP is pretty annoyed and thinks it's ridiculous that we have been inviting her to so many events for just our family and closest friends in the last year or so (baby shower, christening, first birthday etc. and soon our wedding!) and the first significant event for her, her wedding, she isn't inviting us to the full thing. And I know people on here will say that maybe she felt obliged to attend our events but I really don't think so, she just genuinely seems to love coming to that kind of stuff for all her friends and is always very eager.

Show quote history

Someone who was going to be my MoH let it slip that she thought she meant more to me than I did to her. I asked her directly in a 'do or die' moment for the friendship and she admitted it. Haven't spoken to her since and my life is better in so many ways not feeling second best, insecure, querying the friendship. All the friendships I have in my 40s are so wholesome and make me so happy. I sense you are slightly younger than me but when you go back on this thread in a decade's time you will have 10 years of hindsight and be glad you let that friendship fade. It would probably be too catastrophic to the wider friendship group to exclude her but slow fade from now on and be happier for it.

3luckystars · 25/08/2026 19:07

bringbacksideburns · 25/08/2026 19:06

I’d just invite her to the evening do the same as she has. No explanation necessary really as she’s totally omitted you from the Hen do!

I agree. She doesn’t just get to go because she says it. She is not invited.

bringbacksideburns · 25/08/2026 19:06

I’d just invite her to the evening do the same as she has. No explanation necessary really as she’s totally omitted you from the Hen do!

AguNwaanyi · 25/08/2026 19:02

Lemonorzo · 24/08/2026 11:09

For many years we were extremely close with a couple, went away with them, went out with them at least once a week, stayed at each others houses. They got married and we weren’t invited to any of it, not even an evening invite.
The man in particular kept going on and on about being invited to ours (we eloped) and he was annoyed he wasn’t there. Our relationship cooled after this anyway as it was clear generally we were meant to make lots of effort with them and nothing in return.
20 years later I’m still confused. DH sees him occasionally and he goes on about how we need to go see them (never them go see us even thought they are near to us frequently) they’ve moved 50 miles away.

This is definitely a thing. Some people feel entitled to one-sided effort friendships, and they get off on the power dynamic. When you stop performing they get angry.

3luckystars · 25/08/2026 19:01

Invite her to the evening part and say ‘I thought that’s what we were doing now?’

no way would I ask her to the wedding.

nobody is going to ask you straight out so just keep skirting around it, and she will get the message when she gets the evening invite.

if she actually asks you just repeat as above ‘I thought that’s what we were doing, I took my lead from you’

you might have lots of people thinking they are going to your wedding that are not, you will have to toughen up or start using the ‘the wedding planner is taking care of invitations’ excuse.

Summerhut2025 · 25/08/2026 19:00

She’s kind of getting away with being a CF isn’t she as she thinks people won’t think she’s a CF as she has only invited 1 of the group so it’s fine she’s left you and the other 3 out yet she knows you will look like a CF if you invite everyone in the group except her! It’s like she knows she has to be invited by default.

I would def be having a chat with the other 3 in the group and get their opinions and then take it from there. I think they will agree that you shouldn’t invite her to the day as she didn’t invite you. Why spend the money on her when she isn’t prepared to spend it on you, regardless of the friendship group dynamics.

VelvetCashew · 25/08/2026 18:59

Have you considered inviting her, but only giving her a plus one for the evening 😉

Voneska · 25/08/2026 18:56

I know that you feel disgruntled !!!!!!! ( LOL)
I have a solution;
Do No send her a Formal card invitation.
Send her an invitation TO THE EVENING by way of sloppy text message. Send it as late in the day as possible and don't mention PLUS ONE. if she asks about PLUS ONE , say" of course.. " ..oh and say Evening party starts at 8pm. Or LATER than in - reality, so she misses The Buffet.