Friend assuming wedding invite despite not inviting me to hers the same year..

Really cheeky.

You're not obligated to be the bigger person.

I'd be matching her energy and extending an evening invite.

It seems while she is your close friend, you are not one of hers.

Well, that’s exactly what it is, but why is it ‘insulting’? It’s for people you’re fond of and value, but who are not your closest and most important relationships. It’s for colleagues you’re not friends with who can drop in en masse after work for some food and a dance, neighbours you’re not friends with but like, cousins you only see at widely-spaced family events, acquaintances etc. You wouldn’t expect someone to travel for an evening invitation, so it would only be people who live close by or have some other reason to be in the vicinity — if you send an evening invitation to someone not local to your venue, it’s code for ‘I value you, but am certainly not expecting you to schlep three hours in the car for a hog roast and a dance’.

The times DH and I have had an evening invitation have been (a) fairly newly-arrived neighbours of the couple getting married (2) DH was the groom’s cousin, but they seldom saw one another, though they got on well (3) a couple of times when it was a colleague and the whole office had evening invitations.

Yes, that!

I agree. I had to google what an 'evening invite' is. In the US this would be considered a B list invite. Seems extremely insulting to me, but I'm not British so maybe don't understand the nuance.

Just be the bigger person..... maybe she'll actually realise what she's done.....

God that must sting OP. I think people saying to be careful because it might affect the group dynamics etc are missing the point. The dynamic's already gone because of what she's done by excluding 4 of you from the day and hen do. Some people have an attitude to friendship which is easy come, easy go, transactionional etc. that's not me and I would be really hurt in your shoes. I guess now you know where you stand, which although isn't what you thought it was, is a good thing. I had a close friend do something similar to me years ago and it's never been quite the same since. I've come to see that she doesn't really value friendships, she just sees them as something useful if it suits her and not that deep for her so I invest my energy elsewhere.

I think if she had invited all of the group except you to either the hen or day time, then I would feel it's personal and would question whether to invite her to my wedding. However, as you've clarified that only one person from that friendship group is invited to the hen and day time, and the rest of you have been invited to the evening only, then I would include her along with the rest of the group in whatever you decide for your own wedding. To exclude her (and especially just her when the others are invited) just because she can't accommodate you all at her wedding would be incredibly petty. Her budget, venue(s) and list of relatives/close friends on both sides is completely different to yours, and wedding guest lists are difficult, as you'll know. I would imagine if she had the option to invite you all, then she would.

I have a group of friends from college, we've been friends for 20 years and 3 of us have since married. I got married first, they all came to my hen party and evening do, but we got married abroad so they didn't attend the day time (they were invited but would have had to travel so understandbly chose not to). The second friend invited us all to everything, hen, day time and evening (although it was a church wedding followed by a less formal afternoon/evening so everyone invited attended all day) and the third wedding we were just invited to the evening, as she just wanted a smaller hen do with her mum and couple of close friends, the wedding was at a venue with limited numbers for the ceremony and day time and they both have big families so couldn't invite everyone. The fourth friend is planning to elope, I've no idea if she's even having a hen do or party 😅 none of us got mad. We're just happy for each other, and happy to celebrate with each other in whatever way we can.

I think you have to invite her as it's too tit for tat to exclude one person, but as someone else said, I'd never quite forget this.

I think the issue if take with it is that I'd feel like I'd misinterpreted the closeness of the friendship and that would forever make me feel slightly awkward. I know some people's circles are just a bit smaller than others but this is one of those times where it becomes clear who you are to someone else. At least you're in good company with the rest of your friendship group though.

I'd say 'Yeah I can't wait for yours either, but I haven't received an invite yet?' then watch her squirm. cheeky cow.

Wedding invites should not be a game of tit for tat but instead based on who you want there as far as circumstances allow.

A large venue does not mean they can afford to fill it and closeness with one group of friends sometimes has to override closeness with another group. In your case if only one person is invited to the whole thing then it clearly isn’t personal to you.

A close friend married the month after me, hers was planned first and I knew I wasn’t going to be asked to be a bridesmaid but I still asked her to be one of mine. I invited cousins partners who had not invited my partner to their weddings. And one of our evening guests asked my husband to be groomsman within his own wedding. It does not need to balance out perfectly, you just need to be inviting people out of love instead of obligation and accept that money, space and a myriad of other reasons can affect these decisions.

If you want it to be ‘tit for tat’…….just ask this ‘friend’ ……Why ?

You haven’t said what the other friends in the group are thinking about their ‘Non’ invitations.

I don’t understand what you mean by others receiving, ‘Save the date’…..and not you !!

Weddings are so stressful. Don’t add to it xx

Yes I mostly agree with this. I've been to a lot of evening do's where the daytime bit is mainly family plus a few friends that have travelled a long way, and local friends all come for the evening party.

But I agree it's weird to not invite you to her daytime wedding and then assume she's invited to yours.

If it was one individual friend I'd be tempted to "match her energy", but if you're wanting to invite the whole group to your daytime do then I'd probably just invite her as well, so as not to spoil the group dynamic.

But if she's invited work friends and newer friends instead of your group, while I wouldn't hold a grudge, I also wouldn't ever quite forget it.

I think MN is very divided on the whole day / eve invitation thing. Most of the day weddings I've been to have been immediate family. Unless I was a bridesmaid. Most of the evening weddings I've been to have been friends or wider family.

You're one of a group of 6. So if you've all got partners that's 12 daytime guests just in one friendship group on one side of the family. That's a lot of money.

When you say she was excited about your wedding did she explicitly talk about the day bit as a guest or was she just excited for you in general for your wedding?

Why would you invite her to the whole day when she doesn’t consider you a good friend? She’s telling you what she thinks of you.
Id ask her why she assumes she’s invited when she doesn’t think our friendship is close enough to be invited to hers.

Just because you are all friends, doesn't mean you all regard the value of the friendship in the same way. She only values one in your group highly enough for the full event and hen do. You on the other hand value the whole group as of equal importance and value to you. That's ok. People are different . Be the bigger person and don't single her out for differential treatment at your wedding simply because that's what she's done. It could effect the dynamics of the group if you do.

It's her blindness to her lack of reciprocity in how she sees and values you group friendship and her sense of entitlement in assuming that you consider to be a top tier friend warranting a full invitation ( when she doesn't think the same way) that's annoying you.

She's having a laugh, you're her doormat. Keep pretending you're taking the high road by going along with her entitlement, she doesn't give a fuck about you, and you're to weak to draw even the shakiest boundary. Meh.

She has ‘main character syndrome’.

It would be petty to not include her though because of this if you are inviting the rest of the group.

My brother did the same at my wedding...only it wasn't our Dad he left in the car, it was the dog. Him and his then girlfriend (now ex wife) turned up wearing dirty jeans and sweatshirts, and told me they wouldn't be staying for the reception, as they'd left their dog in the car. He was the only member of my family who live in the UK at the wedding (rest live in Oz and couldn't afford to come).

Took me ages afterwards to realise that he hadn't actually planned on coming at all, and his girlfriend had persuaded him while they were out taking the dog for a walk in the local pine woods...hence how they were dressed. That was 25 years ago and I've not seen him since. It wasn't a deliberate going no contact, I just decided to drop the rope and see if he picked it up. He didn't.

There is no way I could not say straight out ‘I’m just so confused why you’re assuming you’re of course invited to our wedding when you don’t rate us anywhere near that level of friend?’

@wedding27
Darling
Do unto her
As she did unto you
If she says anything
Say that you've the same problem she had too............

Nothing like a wedding to learn exactly where you sit in people’s affections! I’ve been on both sides of this, bridesmaid for someone I considered a not-so-close friend and only one of our group not in wedding party when my best friend was married. Always odd to me that people don’t realise these kinds of choices have consequences.

How do you know she wouldn’t be happy with an evening invite? When you said you weren’t invited I thought you meant not at all or she invited everyone but you (that would have been unreasonable on her part)

Yeah sorry O but I think you will feel annoyed with yourself for inviting her.

Yes, weddings are expensive and not everyone does them to same way. But the more you describe your relationship the more I think in this scenario the evening invite is telling and inviting her because you want to be the "bigger person" will leave a bitter taste.

Unless you either a) call her out it or b) very clearly do the same to her - she’s either not going to notice or care that she’s being a bit of a CF for her shiny new friends or whatever the logic is. Personally I think she should know because it must also be causing resentment with the other 3 in the group who are also vague evening guests to her wedding. All very odd! And you have the best opportunity to possibly make her realise what an asshat she’s being to what are probably her oldest and closest friends.

Wow so much drama. “Kick in the teeth” 😂😂😂

all because she invited you AND THE REST of your friend group (except one person) as evening guests and not to the whole thing?

SMH