AIBU to go on the trip without my husband if he can’t afford it?

Are you sure you are married?

Neither of you can afford it IMO, if it will leave one of you in debt and the other with very little if any spare cash.

Skiing holidays are an expensive luxury.

No evidence of the DH wasting his leisure money though, is there?

DH, who is in a low paid job and has little disposable income. He has a little bit of debt and no savings.

And:

I have always prioritised holidays as a use of my disposable income, unlike my DH.

Maybe he’s previously spent disposable income on other things, such as hobbies or going out, but it sounds like he’s skint just now through circumstances - This year has been hard financially, particularly for my DH.

Isn’t the whole point of marriage helping one another out when things are tough?

In my marriage what we have is shared. We have both been skint and we have both been better off. There is no 'mine and his', when it comes to money, it's 'ours'.

I don't understand. Is this a marriage of convenience?

^^ this. What do you do if you have a large un expected bill? Eg washing machine, car, roof?

You and your husband should have chosen different spouses.

There is obviously a financial disparity here that makes this separate finance a bullshit agreement. The resentment on both sides will eventually end the marriage.
Crikey ☹️.

Doesn’t matter if they’re married. If they divorce all assets and debts are pooled and the courts will rule on it

If you were getting a taxi home and he hadn’t got the money, would you pay for it but make him run behind it?

Sounds like you're friends with benefits tbh.

This is not how marriage works. And if for whatever reason you can't get on the same page financially then manage your expectations that you're just partner sharing a house or move on, one going ok vacation while the tower can't afford it and willing to go into debt so he cjs also go on vacation is ridiculous. And when you get to the ski trip alone while the others are couples what do you say? He's busy or he can't afford it...

Unless there's some backstory about how he is a useless abusing idiot I don't see how anh of this makes any sense.

The positive in all this is there are no kids in the mix.

I don't think you're being unreasonable about the finances. He chooses to spend his money on what he wants, hasn't had enough set aside for whatever difficulties he's had this year because of how he's spent in the past and now doesn't have enough for two holidays because of those other priorities. That's his prerogative.

But YABU about being upset at him expressing what he likes. Him wanting the ski holiday which is with you over a couples only holiday is also his prerogative and not some sort of slight on you. He hasn't told you you can't go he's told you he'd be annoyed if you went and he didn't - since it's obviously his preferred holiday that's surely tied up with him feeling pushed into doing the holiday you prefer with you while you go off on the holiday he'd prefer without him?

As I said this is not how marriage works, you're just partners living together.

Irrespective if that's his your finances work then that's what it is and you're free to dke whatever you want so if you want to go on the ski trip go for it, he can suck it up and make sure he is better financially prepared the following year.

But this is now he a couple wor together and build together.

And frankly I couldn't be in a relationship with a man like this, so shit with his finances and he is willing to go into debt to make sure he keeps up appearances at a ski trip with friends.

Won't the ski trip cost you more if he doesn't come because you'll have to cover the full room cost?

Well skiing is skiing so it’s not comparable is it.

YABU for this strange split of finances.

That’s fair enough. He has plenty of time to save, he’ll easily pick up part time packing work over Christmas or deliveries in the evening. If he really wants to go he’ll have to put his working skates on. He has no reason not too, he’s not rushing home to help. I changed my mind. Yanbu.

The natural conclusion of your bizarre financial arrangements would be that you go on holiday while he stays at home.
For this very reason (and lots more reasons too) most married couples pool their resources. It's almost as though marriage is a partnership.

When a horrible way to treat him. Who is he in debt too? How would you feel if it was him who was the higher earner. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. You support each other when times are tough. But there you are with plenty of money in your bank account looking down your nose at your husband. YABU no I wouldn’t go on holiday and leave him behind.

AIBU to be annoyed he would prioritise a group trip he can barely afford, get into further debt OR tell me if he can’t go, I can’t go?

Why can't you go? Are you joined at the hlp?

Gently, I think the fact he’d rather go on a group trip than on a couples holiday is probably important here.

Taking at face value the fact you’ve both agreed to have separate finances (unusual but ok if that’s what you both prefer), you need to have a better mechanism to make compromises.

In this particular situation where you cannot both afford two expensive holidays, perhaps a better solution would be to go skiing as normal, and then a cheaper off peak holiday say in September.

Wouldn't happen in our marriage one supports the other when it's bad for one wether finances, emotionally etc

What a weird marriage. No idea how anyone can live like that. Gawd knows. I guess he does what he says he can afford and you do what you can afford. I can't see the point in this marriage, you aren't an equal couple. best wishes

Your husband did not tell you not to go. He shared honestly how he would feel if you chose to go without him.
You also sound like you would feel irritated yourself if DH chose to foresake the couple holiday in favour of skiing.

Why not both enjoy the familiar, active ski holiday as a couple. Have alone time as well as time with friends.

Consider both putting regularly into a holiday pot if you are going to continue separate finances.

Well situations like this are a natural consequence of having totally separate finances in a marriage. I agree with the PP who said this set up is really papering over cracks in your financial differences. It's so divisive in a long term relationship.

If this is your setup, you have the right to go without him. I would be prepared for your friends to find this odd once you reveal what you have described here. This sort of transactional marriage and enforced separation of goals doesn’t really inspire confidence in a long run.

I understand your financial set up to a certain degree. My DH & I, both put a set amount into bills plus extra each to savings each month for holidays & emergencies, and whatever is left after in our personal accounts after bills, we spend as we wish. We each pay for our own fuel from what’s left in our personal accounts as we spend about the same each month. This last year, DH has had issues getting a job after being made redundant so all our savings had to be used to pay his portion of the bills. He got a new job 2 months ago, so we started at zero, saving again. It wasn’t great having to use money we’d both saved to cover bills, but when you’re married, you cover each other as you’re supposed to be a team. In your situation, if you can’t both afford to go skiing and your couples holiday , choose one and be happy you get at least one break together. If you decide on the skiing, maybe your couples holiday could be on a budget (last minute, short haul or UK) instead?