AIBU to go on the trip without my husband if he can’t afford it?

If dh can barely afford one trip out of the two because he has different spending priorities, while OP can afford both thanks to, say, bringing packed lunches to work rather than going out, then DH has in effect vetoed OPs second holiday. I can see her being slightly irritated. It also speaks volumes he'd turn down the couples holiday.

OP maybe you can find a friend to go on the second trip? Or just go by yourself?

We have separate finances but wouldn’t do this. We don’t live in each other’s pockets but we would both go or neither go.
When it comes to holidays etc we both contribute.

His debt is your debt.

Why wouldn’t you help to pay for your husband if you can afford to? He’s your husband? Your set up is bizarre

Why are you even married?

It's absolutely fine to have separate finances - it works for lots of couples. But I don't understand why the OP can't just say "I get that you're a bit skint, so I'll treat you to the skiing trip this time"...then they can both go!.

So he would rather go on holiday with his mates than work you, and you would rather go on holiday without him than on a holiday you can afford for the both of you. Nice 👍🏼. Perfect marriage there 👍🏼👍🏼

It sounds like he can’t afford a holiday at all - not the group ski trip or the couples holiday.

Up to you whether you want to adapt your plans to take this into account or not.

this is so true, its terrible, wow op...

It's not a "trope spouted on here", it's part of the legality of a marriage!
At least it is when the marriage fails and it comes to divorce.
If you don't want to combine things and share with another person, don't get married, it's that simple.

Wow op you know what marriage is right? Have people forgotten how to share?

So what are you going to tell the group "oh John couldn't afford it " do you realise that sounds weird given your married. It also makes you look controlling in you won't let him have money to go, but its ok for you to go.

We have had shared finances for 30+ years because I retired and took a small part time job i pay for all my expenses out of it, clothes, drinks etc...i also pay for the nice to haves, meals out a new tv because I wanted a newer one...we are comfortable money wise but its nice to think I'm working for fun stuff. But i also pay for treats for my partner out of it, a new kindle etc

This is easier said than done when one person is a big spender and doesn’t have a sensible head when it comes to saving etc and you have another person who wants to play the long game and save and put money in to long term goals.

It must be frustrating as the higher earner to see the other person spending on XYZ when they claim to have no money and getting new credit cards for things they can’t afford.

Why did you get married if you want to keep things separate like this?
It seems so pointless, it would have been better to just cohabit and not go down the legal route of marrying each other.

You do realise that if you split up and divorce your assets will be seen as equal?

I find it so strange that people get married but then carry on in this way when it comes to finances. Have some separate funds of course but not to the extent that one of you can afford a holiday and the other can't, that's just ludicrous, you sound like flatmates!

I can't imagine being married and not sharing finances. Feels like being roommates rather than married. I couldn't imagine enjoying a holiday when my husband couldn't afford to come with me. Such a strange relationship.

Usually I say that all money is family money but there are no children involved meaning there isn’t one adult having to sacrifice work hours etc to do the childcare.

If I was the higher earner in a marriage without children I’d be happy to subside things for my partner who earned less if and only if they weren’t reckless with their money and weren’t in debt for stupid things.

He's unreasonable to tell you that you can't go without him of course. Is he embarrassed that the group would know he can't afford it maybe?

More power to you for seperate finances though, sounds like he's a spender and you're a saver, I never understood this "All money is family money" trope that gets spouted on here. Earn your own money, spend / save it as you wish providing you are both meeting your joint obligations. Saves a million arguments.

I would hate this kind of marriage. is this a new thing? I have only been married 8 years, but we just share everything, thought that was what marriage was all about.....

Sorry but I feel if you are married you help each other out, although we've always had joint finances so what do I know?

In a case of being able to afford one ski trip but not two, we would split the money and go somewhere cheaper than we could enjoy together and hope for better finances next year.

If you do go on your own which you are, of course, entitled to do, how are you going to explain your missing husband when your friends ask.... "Oh, he didn't have enough money so I left him at home". Don't you think that's going to sound a bit crass? Better that you say "we don't really have the money this year but we'll see you next year".

I can just about wrap my head around couples who have separate finances because they have children from previous marriages. Even then, I really can't fathom how that works day to day. But you've no children. I can't understand why you've not pooled your resources and acted like a couple in terms of making decisions about how to spend "your" (i.e. joint) money. The dilemma you're describing is inconceivable to me. In my marriage we have money that comes from both of us to pay for household bills and from which we decide what to do with anything left over. If there's a big expenditure on the horizon, whether it be something as a family we do or need or something one person needs, we talk about that and decide together. You guys sound like you're living as flatmates.

For the record I wouldn’t suggest going without him as that seems mean however going forward you need to sort out some joint savings for holidays.

I find it odd that he prefers to go on a group holiday than one solely with you. Where’s the closeness in your marriage?

I would - and have - gone on holiday without my partner when he couldn’t afford it and would be happy for him to do the same. Being in a relationship doesn’t mean we need to do everything together and I’d hate being with someone who thought that if they couldn’t afford to do something, I shouldn’t do it either. We don’t share finances apart from splitting outgoings.

What a strange set up for a “marriage”. You sound terribly selfish and tight too. What a catch.

While the OP hasn’t said he’s spending it recklessly she says they pay proportionate to their joint finances bills etc so if he has no money left to save and he’s in debt he’s either crap with money or has so little left over after his portion of the bills that they need to arrange cheaper holidays if he can’t afford to pay his portion.

Dh and I lots do of trips, some together and some apart. We have separate finances. I can’t fathom going on a trip (longstanding) with joint friends without him because he can’t afford it and I can. I’d be embarrassed explaining that to our group of friends.

In this case I would compromise on the long haul, do the ski trip together and maybe a city break/ shorter trip as a couple.