AIBU to go on the trip without my husband if he can’t afford it?

‘It’s his business’ - you are married, this is bonkers!

YABVU if you go without him! As a couple you should make plans together, little bit lost for words that you think this is normal!

... is in a low paid job and has little disposable income. He has a little bit of debt and no savings

And you say that you are only marginally better off than him - it seems extravagant to be having a skiing trip followed closely in the spring by a two week long-haul trip when you are both low earners

How do you know? I didn't know my ex husband was so bad with money before I married him

Why marry someone who isn't on the same page as you regarding finances though?

It’s not compulsory have holidays, it’s a big luxury.
If he can’t afford it ( or the couples holiday either) why don’t you go somewhere cheaper just the two of you, and not incur more disagreements or debt.

You're married yet behave like a single woman. If the skiing trip is an annual affair, and next years is a long standing booking, why would you then arrange a long haul couples trip that you knew your DH would not be able to afford on top of the skiing trip? It's almost like you want him to fail.

Perhaps you've never had a husband that earns more than you but wastes the money he has left after bills whereas you save carefully

I don’t understand the separate finances. We’ve never had the “I can afford, but DH can’t” mentality. It’s all in one place.

But also, no I wouldn’t take a holiday that my husband couldn’t afford to come on! It’s different if he chose not to come, or has work/injury etc. Then I’d go alone and he would encourage me to do so.

Exactly this!
Posters would be losing it if a man was preparing to go on a ski holiday and leaving his lower earning wife at home. He would be accused of financial abuse straight away.

Such a strange, sad-sounding marriage.

I don’t know why people find it so weird when couples don’t pool their finances. If you were a woman that was significantly poorer than their husband then the same people would be berating you for not increasing your earning potential. It doesn’t matter why you both choose separate finances, you both do and that’s that. I also don’t see why you should miss out because he isn’t better with money. Can’t he do a part time job on the side? Most of us have to get side hustles (when we didn’t have kids) I would tell him you’re going.
and I would continue to have separate finances as well as he clearly would make your position worse.

Why on earth are you married? You are treating your DH as unrelated to you. You should have joint finances - it’s that way legally - but even if you don’t, you should show more respect and care for him.

This is so weird. When I was married, my then dh earned more and largely paid for our holidays. We pooled our money and decided what we could afford to do - together. I cannot fathom not going on holiday in the circumstances you describe!

He can go on all the trips he wants using his credit card. When he realised how unbalanced his marriage is, he can decide to call it quit.

Your savings and pension will be half his, his debts will be half yours. He might even get more than 50% of the assets if he can show he would struggle to house himself and couldn't increase his income....

I feel for the op. They pro rata the bills so presumably have the same spends. Op has saved for the holidays, dh hasn’t he’s now saying long haul is a no and ski trip may be off too and if he doesn’t get to go op shouldn’t too.

Would people really be fine with watching their dh treat him self, not budget while she saved and limited her spending and then say don’t worry I’ll cover you too??

Going forward op maybe you would benefit from have a joint saving account specifically for holidays which you both commit to putting into every month before spends.

But you worked hard to save for your holidays you should absolutely go. If you don’t want to do the ski holiday could you go away with a friend so you still get a break?

Could you imagine if the sexes were reversed. You are being very unreasonable

It depends. If he can’t afford both holidays because he spends his money on beer/fags/gaming/the horses then you are perfectly reasonable.

Also, I note that you can’t afford to pay for both of you to go skiing in any case.

But there is no way she is responsible for his debts The only way they will be taken into account as part of a division is if she actually benefitted from them. She's still not liable to pay them

It could be that he’s never been shown how to budget and wants to be like you but has no idea how to be. I would download the Financielle app and set up your individual budgets. Then tackle paying his debt (him by himself) if you’re not willing to do it together. Then have joint savings for holidays for the future. He needs help to be shown how to budget and be more like you. Help him and it will help your marriage in the long run.

Considering you don't have children and he is so casual about debt, separate finances are wise.
Let him choose the ski trip if he wants.
But it does sayva lot about your marriage that he is happy to ditch the trip with you.

In your circumstances I would be focused on savings for yourself and ditch the holiday.

His attitude to money would give me the ick.

I understand your financial set up to a certain degree. My DH & I, both put a set amount into bills plus extra each to savings each month for holidays & emergencies, and whatever is left after in our personal accounts after bills, we spend as we wish. We each pay for our own fuel from what’s left in our personal accounts as we spend about the same each month. This last year, DH has had issues getting a job after being made redundant so all our savings had to be used to pay his portion of the bills. He got a new job 2 months ago, so we started at zero, saving again. It wasn’t great having to use money we’d both saved to cover bills, but when you’re married, you cover each other as you’re supposed to be a team. In your situation, if you can’t both afford to go skiing and your couples holiday , choose one and be happy you get at least one break together. If you decide on the skiing, maybe your couples holiday could be on a budget (last minute, short haul or UK) instead?

If this is your setup, you have the right to go without him. I would be prepared for your friends to find this odd once you reveal what you have described here. This sort of transactional marriage and enforced separation of goals doesn’t really inspire confidence in a long run.

Well situations like this are a natural consequence of having totally separate finances in a marriage. I agree with the PP who said this set up is really papering over cracks in your financial differences. It's so divisive in a long term relationship.

Your husband did not tell you not to go. He shared honestly how he would feel if you chose to go without him.
You also sound like you would feel irritated yourself if DH chose to foresake the couple holiday in favour of skiing.

Why not both enjoy the familiar, active ski holiday as a couple. Have alone time as well as time with friends.

Consider both putting regularly into a holiday pot if you are going to continue separate finances.

What a weird marriage. No idea how anyone can live like that. Gawd knows. I guess he does what he says he can afford and you do what you can afford. I can't see the point in this marriage, you aren't an equal couple. best wishes

Wouldn't happen in our marriage one supports the other when it's bad for one wether finances, emotionally etc