AIBU to go on the trip without my husband if he can’t afford it?

My husband and I don't share our finances. I don't exactly know how much he earns and not does he know what my income is. I transfer an monthly amount to him for the majority of the bills. It is without doubt quite a bit less than 50%.

It works ok for us. However, he would never ever go on a trip with common friends and tell me I'd have to stay home if I couldn't afford it. That's just plain callous. It would be the end of our marriage and him needing to share 50% of all his assets!

I get this OP, and I have lived similar. I spent thousands paying for now ex so that we could go on holiday as a couple (he never seemed to appreciate this or say thanks for it). Eventually, I got tired of paying for absolutely everything and getting nothing back, so we stopped going on holiday. When our child was born I went away alone with the baby, as he never wanted to come and always claimed 'poor'. (Didn't stop him spending masses on himself though.)

If everything else in the relationship is OK, I don't think I would go on the ski trip without him, as it's a shared group of friends. (If you had separate friend groups and these were your friends, I would consider going.)

I can understand him feeling annoyed at the situation (not at you), but he does sound like he has a childish attitude overall. It comes across as 'do it now because I want to; worry about the consequences later'. If you're a grown up, you don't get yourself into debt just to go on holiday, particularly when your finances are already rocky. It was also tactless of him to say he'd rather go away for a group jolly than an extended private holiday with you.

I think you need to have a talk about money (much as everyone hates that). You're right, it's not up to you to tell him how to spend/save/invest his money. BUT you are living as a couple, so what one person does, has an impact on the other. If he pisses all his money away on shite, for example, it means you'll never be able to afford to go away as a couple, have nice dinners out etc. It needs more of a shared view of priorities. If he didn't really want to go on a long haul holiday, for instance, he should have said so at the time rather than saying yes so that he could end the conversation.

I do find separate finances really odd when couples are married.

If one is totally reckless or has a gambling addiction etc then I understand it more but assuming you both work why don't you just share your income.

But in this situation, your DH isn't wrong for prioritising the skiing holiday over a couples holiday.

He can only afford one holiday and is choosing the one he thinks he'll enjoy more.

You're not prepared to help him out financially so why should he spend his money on the couples holiday if he's rather do skiing.

Sadly this is a consequence of your financial independence - Independence to spend it on what you each choose.

What if you can't afford to pay double like the OP

I agree with this poster.

We have mostly separate finances (he was married before, has kids). But OPs sounds a bit mean to be honest.

It's his choice what he spends it on...

Im single but if i was in a long term relationship with someone who earned less and couldn't afford a fun trip i would just pay it. He's probably annoyed by your selfishness. Earning less is not the same as being unemployed or lazy. Id actually delight in being able to treat my partner.

Why is it bizarre? We've been married for 5 years and don't share finances, and have no intention to. All bills are split equally and for holidays we just put money into a kitty.

Not everyone lives together before marriage you k ow

What about all.the couples where it's not acceptable for religious or cultural reasons

This. ^ I know a couple in their late 50s, who have been together 20 years - never married because he refuses but are buying a house together. When they're out at the pub or a meal they count out every last penny. 'Well YOUR food came to £19.11, and mine was £18.46, so you owe me 60p!' (Obviously not an accurate amount but an example.)

They are so petty over pennies, (him moreso,) and he tells her if she cranks up the heating she needs to pay more towards the gas bill, so she sits there freezing. She earns less than him (about 40% less,) and he keeps his extra to himself, goes away with a mate and excludes her as she has less money and can't afford to keep up with him.

I actually saw him STEAL a tenner out of her purse once when she went to the bar to get her drink and just took a fiver with her, coz they don't buy rounds together. 'Oh no, your drink costs a pound more than mine, you get your own.'

I was shocked when he stole her tenner. I said 'what are you doing Steve?!' he said 'she owes me this towards some food I got from Aldi on Monday. She's not given it to me yet. Don't tell her I took it!' Sometimes when they're together at the table in the pub she babbles on about how much 'fitter' and more handsome his brother is, and how she wonders if she married the wrong brother.

They're like The Twits honestly. I would rather live alone/be single, than live like this.

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I don’t see how separate finances avoids this problem, he’ll still buy the bike and she’ll buy the handbag or whatever and they’ll still not be able to afford the holiday. Wouldn’t it be better to have joint finances with agreed spending rules? And if you can’t agree spending rules with your OH then think hard about whether they are a good life partner for you or not.

This is really bizarre.

But if you were to say to him that 1) he can't prioritise the ski trip over your long haul trip as a couple and 2) you are going to go on the ski trip without him then that would be very unreasonable.

It would however also be a bit unreasonable of him to say that you couldn't go on the ski trip without him, if he was prioritising spending money on the long haul trip.

But honestly, you're married. Unless he has made a decision to spend his money on something else personal to him that then makes the holiday unaffordable, wouldn't you make joint decisions and pool money for holidays?

OP, what would you do if you lost your job, had a serious illness and ended up with a massively reduced income?

Me and dh pool finances, he earns more than me. I don't understand how you could let your dh struggle and I would certainly pay for dh to go on holiday with me as that's what couples do and I would want him there with me! Bit of a shit marriage, for him

I get it - he wastes his money and then wants to use yours that you have carefully saved. Married or not - that is unfair.

I would open a holiday savings account so that you both pay in weekly or monthly.

No, he wouldn't tell you that but if you had loved together first you might have seen what he was like

I think you should both scrub 'round the group holiday. Him because he can't afford it (and sensibly recognized and expressed that), you because it would be a bit tone deaf and as you are only "marginally better" off because you might be better off saving the money too.

This.

It often makes a lot more sense for a childhood couple to keep finances completely separate.

The amount of "tit for tat" spending and arguing I've seen in couples who share (he bought a new bike/sound system/whatever that he didn't need so I bought myself that designer handbag I didn't need either, and now neither of us can pay for the holiday/mortgage).

This in spades. ^ Imagine if this was a man treating his wife like this. 'I am going on a ski-ing trip but my wife can't afford it, so she can stay at home.' This place would be in uproar.

Being married and keeping all your income to yourself, and not helping your lower spouse who is a lower earner/has less savings is a disgusting way to behave.

You don't care for him very much do you @Darknightsdarkmoods ?

As the poster I quoted said you're treating him like an unrelated lodger.

I could not live like this. Marriage is a partnership. You sound like strangers sharing the same living space!

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Actual wow, do some married couples really live like this???

Precisely. He's not a child. You pay for your children

And she can't afford to pay for him

You’re married, why can’t you pay for him? He’s not your child.

You have a very odd understanding of a marriage. Why don't you help him pay for the trip or support him and stay at home. Put your skiing money into next year's long haul trip.

No we didn't live together first

And he obviously didn't tell me that he was shit with money

Did you live together first? That usually gives you a good idea of what someone is like, if they can budget for bills, save, pay their share etc.

I think this is why it is important to be open about money with partners and fiances, rather than keeping everything very separate and private as seems to be the current trend. If you keep everything separate & private how can you know what sort of financial literacy your future spouse has?

Although I guess some people, men particularly, do go off the rails if they hit a mid-life crisis & their attitude to finances falls off a cliff.