Feel like I'm walking on egg shells in my own home

Developmental trauma presents much like neurodivergence, such as ADHD and autism. I would hazard a guess that your grandson is struggling with something like this and attachment issues. You can find resources here: beaconhouse.org.uk/resources/

Your grandchild should have been in therapy from school age. Unfortunately, it is very difficult to get long-term help of this type.

I've tried - CAMHS - and cannot get the consistency my child needs. They only offer repeated short-term interventions, which doesn't work for my child as she cannot trust the therapist in such a short time. So I have ended up having to pay for it myself. My daughter has been in play therapy on and off since age 4. I'm trying to avoid her having massive issues when she's a teenager.

I'd recommend listening to or reading the book "What Happened to You?" By Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey. It explains the impact that trauma, such as being born to a child mother and then ultimately separated from her, and having inconsistent bio parental involvement, has on the developing brain.

Another book I'd highly recommend is: Caroline Archer and Christine Gordon -
Reparenting the Child Who Hurts: A Guide to Healing Developmental Trauma and Attachments

This book is literally life changing and will help you understand what is going on with your grandson. I would urge you to read it.

These issues don't go away when they become adults. It is very common for children who are trauma-victims to become addicts either in teenage years or as adults. They are trying to cope in a world that does not feel stable or safe and to dampen the impact of what has happened to them. Even gaming/internet addiction can be a form of numbing and self-soothing creating a state that is similar to dissociation. He doesn't have to deal with reality when he is zoned out playing games.

Facing up to what happened to him - being abandoned, being rejected, having later siblings essentially picked over him, and having parents who were not able to be what he needed, is an emotionally painful and vulnerable thing to choose to do. For many people it is too scary. It may be that his reluctance to engage with the idea of therapy stems from this fear. A GP would be a good start as they may be able to help him get onto some medication that would deal with those fears and subsequently allow him to consider the possibility of therapy.

I would assume the same issues are part of his reluctance to confront his education. His self-esteem may be low (for example due to shame about not being picked to also be cared for by his muma - so not feeling 'good enough') and he may feel scared of the future - so it is easier to bury his head in the sand and zone out in his room rather than face reality.

Feel free to PM me if you want to chat.

So sorry OP - this sounds really hard and it is disappointing to read some of the unhelpful comments.
My first thought was CAMHS - and I can see you have possibly been referred. See if you can find their website and call one of the numbers - even if it is the wrong one for what you need - you need to be able to explain all this to someone as I do think he should be regarded as a priority. These kinds of MH struggles can often be seen in children in care - and they get a lot of support. Unfortunately children under an SGO can slip through the net as they may have equivalent trauma ( which is what this sounds like and is definitely not your fault) but the assumption is that as they are in the care of family, everything is fine - which it is clearly not for you.
You have done an amazing job and are clearly well
intentioned - and are unsurprisingly struggling with what to do next.
CAMHs is up to 18 in most areas.

Pester CAMHS until they provide help or specific advice about who can support your GSon - he needs support and so do you.
I also agree that you should make social services aware that you are struggling and ask what support they can offer.

Key sentence after “he was tiny but healthy” (notice the simple past tense?)

’Ove raised him since then’ - key sentence.

it’s obvious the surly teen and the previously tiny and healthy baby are the same person. HTH

Sounds awful OP. You're doing your best. It sounds like he needs a stable adult male in his life.

Good you deserved it.

You and the other poster would do well to show some compassion instead of your sneering judgment which does not help the OP, but I guess you don't care as long as you can kick the OP whilst she is down.

Hi @CuddlyBears I have raised a child in similar circumstances. The Local Authority have a duty of care towards this child, they would have to supply housing and support if you were not able.. Also, it’s little known( my local authority didn’t know), but children raised by Special Guardians are eligible for help from the Adoption Support Fund, specifically if the family relationships may break down. His behaviour is out of control and frightening. You do not have to put up with it. Please seek help.

There is at least two children in this sorry tale who should have been taken into care a long time ago.

This is such a tragic story. In my experience things don’t just magically improve when they go to college either. He needs professional intervention, it’s not too late but you will have to push

This is so sad. For all of you. Is he 16? I would ask social services for an assessment of his needs or of you as a family , see gp, find out if you can get him any counselling or any kind of support before he hits 18, this is too much but he clearly has issues. Maybe because of his estranged mum, maybe he’s inherited something she has, who knows, but you need professional support

???

Hi, I was on your earlier thread. I feel for both of you, you’ve both been through such a traumatic time.

I think you should self refer to social services tomorrow. Don’t allow them to fob you off with early help. Try to get him on a Child protection plan or child in need at minimum. You’re going to have to be super pushy, explain about the self harming. Labour the point. He needs help. The first stage is getting the right help quickly, the 2nd is getting he to take it.
There could be some negotiation between pc time and engagement.

if social service cant help with counselling then I’d start looking at private.

Can you get him involved with a gym or similar?

Poor boy needs counselling. Urgently

he’s got significant abandonment issues. That’s bound to cause behaviour issues. What kind of behaviour and consequences did he have as a younger child? I feel like you’ve skipped 17 years of information here. How has it reached this point

Children’s services have a responsibility to support him, and by extension you, until he is 18 if there’s a safeguarding risk. Definitely make the call and while it’s unlikely he will remain open to them from a safeguarding point of view, they can give you advice and guidance and signpost you to support that is going to help him. If you think there’s a risk you might ask him to leave you can also tell them that and it might increase support for you. Ultimately though even with support, the change needs to come from you. What boundaries and consequences does he have now to motivate him to behave more respectfully?

I commented on this on the last post and got my arse handed to me. But surely the time for getting him help and intervention was YEARS ago, not just because he failed his exams.

Why are all kids in your life, that you're responsible for, ending up struggling so much? A 13 year old daughter getting pregnant and nobody notices, and a grandson who smokes weed, is disrespectful, unhygienic, fails school and is aggressive. What's going on in their life that they turn out like this? Where are their fathers?

It's a bit too late to try disciplining a 17 year old, but you do need to set firm boundaries. Maybe it's time for him to go stay with his actual parents?

Poor kid. No wonder he feels abandoned with his mum not seeing him as her own child. I understand she was so young when she had him but it’ll feel like such abandonment to him, especially when she kept his siblings. Like a pp has said you are his safe space and so he is taking it out on you. It sounds very hard. He sounds very traumatised by his mum and dad’s actions. He needs a lot of support and therapy really. The self harm is not good- you’re doing the right thing taking him to the GP. Would he be better getting a job instead of education in September? Maybe education is not for him.

DD got pregnant at 13 yo by her same age boyfriend.
OP takes the baby boy by way of a guardian ship into her life to raise.
Boy (Grandson)is now 17 yo and having many issues .
He seems to have sporadic contact with his mother, lived with his father when he was 13 but came back.
Mother has the grandsons younger siblings and an on/off relationship with the father.

Sounds like you have an SGO. Did you have any support from school eg Early Help. What about SEND? He’s got low grades so any diagnosis or access arrangements? Finding bottle of urine isn’t unusual, and if he’s playing games and doing that could indicate some gaming addiction issues or even ADHD / neurodivergence.

The 17 yr old who is smoking weed etc is the OP's grandson, who her DD gave birth to 17 years ago and who the OP has raised. I think.

There are Kinship Care and Special Guardian groups on Facebook which may be of help to you. 💐