Husband is a boring bastard

Hard to say. It’s not like he loathes her or can’t stand to be around her. He just doesn’t engage or want to do a lot. When I look back, he’s always been a bit like this even before we had her. We’d have the odd night away once in a blue moon but it was always planned by me

She will notice. It's emotional neglect from him thankfully she's got you. But she will notice.

Solidarity as I am in the same boat. Just no interest to do anything fun. Have to stay home because there is stuff to do and DS "is too young to remember anyway".
So sad for my DS as it massively effects our relationship but will have to make the most of it and do things just the 2 of us.
It's infuriating as he is happy to do stuff when somebody else makes a suggestion or when he has an idea. My suggestions are ridiculed or ignored.. Good luck

I mean - he sounds both boring and lazy.
if I were you I’d go back to work FT and pay for someone to do all the boring cleaning stuff.
he does not get to opt out of parenting- I’m 53 btw - and while I’d not welcome a toddler now, if it was mine, I’d step up.
All parents of toddlers are knackered - that’s what they are for. You don’t get to just ‘back out’ of the boring stuff.

I speak from the perspective of having been a SAHM to ours until they wete 7 and 10. The manged incompetence of some men (mine ran a fucking junior football league but wah wah’ed about bills, holiday clubs, weekend plans)

I had to go pass agg ‘so you’re taking Dave to a party, make sure you know where / when it is, and that you have everything’.

Am not sure it’s fair to attack the OP the way some of these replies do. My DH and I were older parents - we were both 39 when we had our last, and so in our late fifties now he is 18. But at 50-52 my DH was doing a FT high level job, 14hrs a day most days and often working weekends, lots of travel… yet he was also coaching my DS’s cricket team, largely single handedly, running fixtures and traipsing all over country 1-2 nights a week for matches. Not the same as running around after a 3 year old, admittedly, but I have 60+ year old friends who have multiple grandchildren aged 3-8yo to stay for long weekends and a week here or there in the holidays and manage those alone too. I ran brownies and beavers, including weekend camps in my mid forties. Yes, we were/all all tired after a big weekend, but nothing like the OP’s DH - and he’s just being asked to step up in the evenings or for a few hours at the weekend. My FIL managed that in his late 60s and early seventies.

Early fifties is hardly geriatric!! So yes, he’s a boring - and lazy, selfish - bastard.

Perhaps (if you haven't already done this) try setting up some carpet, sofa or table, time-limited games that would build the bond between your daughter and husband. Depending on what she's capable of and enjoys - and if she can focus - lego, jenga, building blocks, doll's house play, operation, cards of different types, dice based games, a short story he could read with her, a favourite cartoon series or film they could watch together. He should be able to manage half an hour with her and might enjoy himself if it doesn’t involve much exertion. Your older son could possibly join in too. Jo Frost of Supernanny was great at getting disengaged parents to connect with their kids through play. It won't solve the issue of the reluctance to do major days out but it could be a low-level entry to engaging him. And as she gets older, he might find he can cope better with reduced energy levels.

OP, is your partner an introvert? As an introvert, I did not like the early years. I felt touched out and preferred to do housework/admin than childcare. I would find a 3 year old a little boring. It is tiring to have to go out and do something every weekend with dc. I'd have to be physically present but my brain would have an out-of-body experience. I'd like to try new things just not with a 3 year old.

My dh was more extroverted and would happily take the children out to give me a break while I cracked on with the boring stuff. When you said your dh was gleeful at being left alone, that sounds like introversion to me because it is an introvert's dream.

I am late 50s and I am not knackered. But everyone is different. I much prefer hanging out with dcs now they are late teens, early twenties and are great company. I am happy to go out with them every weekend now if they will have it. 😁

It sounds like your partner is completely checked out of parenting? That's not cool. I did not like to go and 'make memories' but I was sure involved in dcs' day-to-day care, schooling and playdates.

I’m sorry op, this sounds lonely for you and will start to become problematic for your dd later on.

I also feel a bit sorry for your dh tbh as he’s lived his life for a long time without dc and it’s a huge change at his age.

Having said that, there is absolutely no excuse for him not to try and engage with her on his own terms. A good way in is to teach her something that he enjoys doing whether that’s cooking or cycling or just reading together. He may become more engaged as she gets older.

Do you ever leave her alone with him and go out alone at weekends say for half a day at first? Then he would be forced to step up,

I mean… I’m 50 and glad my kids are teens as I would rather relax and do my own thing on holiday instead of run around after a toddler… but that doesn’t mean I’d be incapable of dealing with the demands of a toddler at my apparently decrepit age!

The OP’s husband chose to have a kid late therefore he needs to sack up and take care of the kid he chose to have!

My H was much older when our DD was born and was considerably more active and involved. Your H is indeed boring and a bit lazy. IMO.

Another person who has come to challenge the idea that older parent.= bad or not able to.cope parent.
My husband is much older than me and was in his fifties when our last child was born. He has always been hands on and involved and in many respects the default parent at times when I have been working/ studying long hours.
Don't like older parent or young parent bashing. So unfair and unrelated to the messy reality that being a parent is hard at any age .

As pp have said, there are many ‘older dads’ who can do it so it feels like an active choice rather than an age related restriction
And there are many who find it very hard.

Your husband is 50
He works FT (and assume always have), outside of home
You have a very demanding child
He is not a naturally very energetic person
He does do things at home and will go out when you organise it.

You are younger
You work PT

Yet you are full of resentment and critical attitude.

How about you go to work FT and he goes PT? I bet that alone would rebalance things very quickly.

As an aside, this is why a lot of 50-something women divorce their menchildren husband about this age.

They haven't the energy to deal with the toddler-like tantrums anymore. 😁

@TheFormerMrsTruelove you are so wrong that men in their 50's are too old to be dads. My dh is 57 and we have a 3 year old with sn and hes completely involved. Unfortunately there are men of all ages who are lazy bastards, that's the problem

Have you read the thread? Doesn’t engage with her if he can help it? Only sees her on the weekend due to work and still doesn’t want to do anything with her because she’s too young? Makes excuses not to go out with them due to money, time, anything he can come up with? The whole point of the thread is the OP asking advice because he is not being an active, engaged parent?! 🤷🏻‍♀️

At least 15 years off retirement.

And there are much younger men who are the same with small kids

People are in the prime of life at 50 these days. My DH wasn't much younger and at that age was full of life and up for anything, he's still pretty good 20 odd years later, where do people get the idea that 50 is old? It might have been 100 years ago but not now. Some people are disinterested parents at 20 this is not an age thing it's a him thing.

Unfortunately the ops dh is lazy and disinterested in family life. It’s not unusual. In the vast majority of households the mothers do the grunt work.
As for the dh showing lots of interest in her older child, well that’s what men do. It’s a ruse to keep the sex coming.
The majority of men will pander to the new partner and do whatever it takes. That is why so many men abandon their children for a new woman and her family. I don’t think it’s even a conscious decision that they are aware of. It’s just to keep the free sex coming and to enjoy a shiny new life. Until they get bored again. Which is what has happened in the ops situation.
Op, you need to tell your dh that he needs to step up. Whether it will make a difference, well possibly not. You are no longer new and shiny.
Also 3 year olds are not hard work. They are past the stage of waking up ever few hours, past the annoying toddler stage, past the nappy stage, past the stage of not being able to talk. Quite frankly I found this to be a great age. If he can’t cope now well, there isn’t much hope for him when your dd hits puberty.

@justrelaxandsleep - it’s ‘off his own bat’. You know, like a cricket bat. Not a batshit crazy bat.

@bosslady24 do you also work full time?
I think the park and NT places are perfectly good places to take a 3 year old. Cinema at 3? I can think of more fun ways to entertain a child at that age. I’ve been in the cinema with children
that age and there are toilet trips, lots of shushing, etc etc. I always wonder why the parents bother.
You say the child is a handful. So you acknowledge DC is hardwork.
A ten year difference in age is huge. You can’t expect him to have a similar level of energy as you.
When DC matures more and calms down, I’m sure he can take him to more places.

I think NT sites are a great place for a 3 yr old and will encourage a love of history Dont see the issue with that.

There’s a lot of enraging commentary on this thread but the idea that people of 50 are “winding down” is along the most batshit.

Unless you’re in the city or born into an extremely wealthy family, most people currently in their mid forties will be working until 70. At the earliest.

50 is a chapter of life, unless you have something like a cancer diagnosis it is absolutely nowhere near “winding down”.

I'm another who thinks he might well come into his own when your little one is a bit older. He might not want to go running around parks with her, but he might well sit patiently and listen to her read or help her with school projects.

Babies and small children can be a bit like puppies. They are whirling balls of energy but hard to reason with. I found my own children utterly exhausting at three because they wanted to DO stuff all the time, but only for very short periods of time. I'd just start to enjoy it and they'd be off.

So while I don't think it's ideal at this moment, I wonder if your DH might find parenting easier when your child is out of the random stage and easier to talk to?

I don't want to be winding down and do tons of active stuff, but I have no desire to wrangle toddlers.

This man didn"t want a child. Tough luck for him ofc. Now he needs to man up.