Husband is a boring bastard

OP, is your partner an introvert? As an introvert, I did not like the early years. I felt touched out and preferred to do housework/admin than childcare. I would find a 3 year old a little boring. It is tiring to have to go out and do something every weekend with dc. I'd have to be physically present but my brain would have an out-of-body experience. I'd like to try new things just not with a 3 year old.

My dh was more extroverted and would happily take the children out to give me a break while I cracked on with the boring stuff. When you said your dh was gleeful at being left alone, that sounds like introversion to me because it is an introvert's dream.

I am late 50s and I am not knackered. But everyone is different. I much prefer hanging out with dcs now they are late teens, early twenties and are great company. I am happy to go out with them every weekend now if they will have it. 😁

It sounds like your partner is completely checked out of parenting? That's not cool. I did not like to go and 'make memories' but I was sure involved in dcs' day-to-day care, schooling and playdates.

Perhaps (if you haven't already done this) try setting up some carpet, sofa or table, time-limited games that would build the bond between your daughter and husband. Depending on what she's capable of and enjoys - and if she can focus - lego, jenga, building blocks, doll's house play, operation, cards of different types, dice based games, a short story he could read with her, a favourite cartoon series or film they could watch together. He should be able to manage half an hour with her and might enjoy himself if it doesn’t involve much exertion. Your older son could possibly join in too. Jo Frost of Supernanny was great at getting disengaged parents to connect with their kids through play. It won't solve the issue of the reluctance to do major days out but it could be a low-level entry to engaging him. And as she gets older, he might find he can cope better with reduced energy levels.

Am not sure it’s fair to attack the OP the way some of these replies do. My DH and I were older parents - we were both 39 when we had our last, and so in our late fifties now he is 18. But at 50-52 my DH was doing a FT high level job, 14hrs a day most days and often working weekends, lots of travel… yet he was also coaching my DS’s cricket team, largely single handedly, running fixtures and traipsing all over country 1-2 nights a week for matches. Not the same as running around after a 3 year old, admittedly, but I have 60+ year old friends who have multiple grandchildren aged 3-8yo to stay for long weekends and a week here or there in the holidays and manage those alone too. I ran brownies and beavers, including weekend camps in my mid forties. Yes, we were/all all tired after a big weekend, but nothing like the OP’s DH - and he’s just being asked to step up in the evenings or for a few hours at the weekend. My FIL managed that in his late 60s and early seventies.

Early fifties is hardly geriatric!! So yes, he’s a boring - and lazy, selfish - bastard.

I speak from the perspective of having been a SAHM to ours until they wete 7 and 10. The manged incompetence of some men (mine ran a fucking junior football league but wah wah’ed about bills, holiday clubs, weekend plans)

I had to go pass agg ‘so you’re taking Dave to a party, make sure you know where / when it is, and that you have everything’.

I mean - he sounds both boring and lazy.
if I were you I’d go back to work FT and pay for someone to do all the boring cleaning stuff.
he does not get to opt out of parenting- I’m 53 btw - and while I’d not welcome a toddler now, if it was mine, I’d step up.
All parents of toddlers are knackered - that’s what they are for. You don’t get to just ‘back out’ of the boring stuff.

Solidarity as I am in the same boat. Just no interest to do anything fun. Have to stay home because there is stuff to do and DS "is too young to remember anyway".
So sad for my DS as it massively effects our relationship but will have to make the most of it and do things just the 2 of us.
It's infuriating as he is happy to do stuff when somebody else makes a suggestion or when he has an idea. My suggestions are ridiculed or ignored.. Good luck

Hard to say. It’s not like he loathes her or can’t stand to be around her. He just doesn’t engage or want to do a lot. When I look back, he’s always been a bit like this even before we had her. We’d have the odd night away once in a blue moon but it was always planned by me

She will notice. It's emotional neglect from him thankfully she's got you. But she will notice.

Because when you are a couple or a parent, you do things together?
@bosslady24 I commented on your other thread. You need to talk to him. Gather your thoughts and prioritise what needs to change first. See if there's compromise. You've got Halloween/Christmas on the horizon and perhaps start with booking a couple of things. We all feel a bit fed up at various stages of our lives. Your little one will be a lot easier very soon. My grandchildren's Dad is the one who'll do swimming. Even if he picks one thing.

Hi OP! 👋
I'm sorry to hear this and I haven't RTFT, just your replies. I just wanted to add my two pence worth into the mix. 😇
Warning ⚠️ it's a long one 🤣

You say your husband was similar before you had your DC? Is he an introvert by any chance, or just maybe very tired?
If you are concerned, he may need a trip to the GP to get his bloods done and /or check for depression, to get it ruled out. 🏥

I would speak to him when little one is in bed and be honest and say you would like the 3 of you to have activities together, and see what one's he comes up with.
He likes taking DC to the park (that is my own DS personal fave) 😇
What types of things does he like that he could share with her?
Is he into trains, planes and automobiles? could he teach her to ride a balance bike or get her to ride inside a little Tikes cozy coupe toy car? 🚗
Does he like music, or art or model making?
Perhaps get messy with paint at the dining table? 🎨
Is he a great cook who could make some fun dishes with her? See what topping she likes on pancakes etc 🥞
Is he into magic tricks 🎩 or gardening? 💐

The reason I say this is because my husband is not into football, but my son has suddenly gained an interest after the world Cup, so he bought him a mini goal and football set ⚽️ that they play with together in the back yard.
Now my husband collects old 80s comic books and figures and our DS and him will play with them together for hours. 🦸‍♂️
They do activities (that the other one prefers) - together as a duo (I also join in most of these and we have fun).

If he cannot think of any activities (he may generally be stumped) then I would help and give him choices, such the following:

1. watching a movie at the cinema 🍿
2. Soft play session to burn some energy 🕺
3. Attending the local library on a Saturday late morning and reading books to her that she picks out? 📚
4. Have you got a beach nearby to build sandcastles? ⛱️
5. A local duck pond or canal, to (safely) stroll by and feed the ducks 🦆
6. Bowling alley fun 🎳
7. Swimming 🏊‍♂️
8. Visit an Aquarium 🐟
9. Visit a museum 🖼

10. Local fairground like Gullivers world maybe? 🎠

Or if he is a homebody, what about:

1. watching a movie at home with snacks 🍿
2. Baking and decorating cookies 🍪
3. Lego building 🟥
4. arts and crafts 🎨
5. Reading books with daddy 📚
6. Playing in the garden 🌳
7. Planting flowers
8. Building a fort 🏰
9. Playing puzzles/ games (age appropriate)
10. Play doh or similar.

We do alternate activities, so one weekend go out somewhere, and the next we do something at home.
Also once a month our DS gets to pick the activity, that way we all get a turn.

ETA:
For ideas I bought a pack called 52 activities to do with dad, and that had lots of ideas.
they also do a mum version which looks good.
Hope this helps 🫂
@bosslady24

Do you have alot of savings that allow you to work part time and have alot of time to spend with your 3 year old (whilst her boring bastard dad financially supports her)? That must give you more time to be creative and not just go to the park and NT properties with her like her boring bastard father does.

Run like the wind <wise nod>

I was in a similar situation, although at your DH's age my DH was perhaps a bit more engaged. There is also an age gap between us.

I completely understand your frustration and I'm sorry to say that (IME at least) it just gets worse. Also the lack of interest or motivation has I believe in no small part hastened DH's Alzheimer's diagnosis. At 74 he has literally zero hobbies or interests and seems determined to spend the rest of his life watching reruns of Escape to the Country. We have no conversation and I'm at the stage where I actually look forward to work just to get me out the house.

The saddest part is that while DS (now in his early 20s and living away from home) loves DH, conversations are so stilted as DH has never made any effort to be involved in any of DS's interests as they were always too much hassle or not to his taste. I OTOH know far more about tractors, Pokémon, guitars, famous drummers and now, to my great bemusement, jazz music than I ever imagined possible!

I also cannot split from DH (well, I could but I'm not a completely heartless bitch) but I am carving myself a life for myself. If I could turn back the clock then I would have made very different decisions.

I truly hope you can find happiness in your situation 🙏🏼

Funny how men in their fifties are too 'old and tired' to spend time with young children, but never seem to lack energy when it comes to having affairs.

Is he actually fit and healthy OP? I find my energy levels for DC and for life in general are so dependent on how fit and healthy I am, if I'm exercising and eating well etc. if he sits at a computer all day, drives to work and does nothing at home I can't imagine he is.

I'm 48, my husband is 50. We have a 11 years old and a 7 years old. We do way more active things than much younger parents. We're both healthy and reasonably fit. We're just back from a waterpark holiday abroad and we never had time to lounge! It's nothing to do with his age I suspect. Some people are just not into doing active stuff. However, as a parent, you have a duty to do interesting things with your kids. What's the point in having them otherwise? You are not unreasonable. He needs to sort this out.

I’ve a friend whose husband is in his mid 50s with a 5 year old. He’s exhausted , he was simply too old
to have a child

@bosslady24 He's not too old but too lazy. Or he's got health problems? My dh is 52 and he's very active. More so than my teenage boys. Maybe time for a check up at the GP?

DH was 50 when our youngest was born. He always had lots of energy for father duties. And enjoyed it. He's good with the grandchildren too.

How is he not parenting?

In his 50s, working full-time. I bet he is the main breadwinner? Means 50s, f/t work and the stress for providing for you all. He is exhausted. Leaving not an option? So does it mean you depend on him financially totally? So a word of advice - if you exploit him a bit less and let him rest, he might last in a decent working condition for slightly longer, so he could keep you all.

I am the main breadwinner in the family, but a woman. My family members know exactly the same - if they exploit me less, I might last a bit longer, so they know to tiptoe around me on holidays (paid by me) and don't bug me with days out when they think I might be tired and probably prefer to stay in, reading a book or just lying in bed with my eyes shut, rather than run around sightseeing.

This.

It doesn’t matter how old he is, he’s a parent and needs to parent. Like we all have to (man/woman, old/young). It’s not optional.

Rubbish, re his age!
My last child was born when I was 45, & I had other young ones to look after. He just doesn't want to know, nothing to do with lack of energy.

I don't think all these "you shouldn't have had a child with an older man" helpful at all. She's here now and is a blessing to you. The only thing you can control is yourself, so enjoy doing things on your own with your DC. It will be more fun than having a man moping around anyway. He might buck his ideas up because at the end of the day he's missing out. This would make me want to be more independent from him and he might notice you slipping away as well, also which might make him act.

@SandyHappyPerson Bare minimum of a marriage is wanting to spend time doing things together

A lot of people are introverted and don't want to go outside and do things, so clearly it is not, and should not, be a requirement of marriage that two people go out to do activities together.

Being married or being a parent means you can't just opt out of it when you feel like it, leaving the other person to go it alone

It would be different if he wasn't doing chores and was not making financial contributions to the relationship. That's not the case.

Sounds like he's just not bothered about doing anything that takes effort really. I would lay it out straight, what the bare minimum is that you expect from him trip or holiday wise and tell him that it's a very unattractive trait for a life partner not to want to do anything with his wife or kids.
If you don't resolve this it will cause resentment, unless you end up really enjoying your trip away with the kids without him.