Husband is a boring bastard

I can relate somewhat as my dh is much more of a homebody and I was the one who was more likely to both think up things the kids would like and I'd also get more into it.
I'm actually older than my dh too.

I don't think it's entirely his age, although it's bound to be a factor, but i think it's not that bad to be a homebody either.
You say he will take them to the park or to the national trust, so he does take them places. I don't think a 3 year old needs to be doing tonnes of things necessarily. I think the discrepancy in your energy levels is maybe more the issue than whether he's lazy or not.

I have two friends who became Fathers in their fifties, both younger wives. One didn’t want a child but did it to keep the wife. They are both knackered. It’s not like 50 plus is past it but energy levels decline for everyone. Even an amazing athlete will have slowed down.

I think it is a your dh issue rather than being a dad in his 50s problem.

I know a few blokes with toddlers in their 50s. Some are first time dads, one has an age gap if 23 years between his youngest older child and a toddler with the same wife and a few are having new families with their second ( and in one case third) wife.
None are sloths like your dh and are gullible on parents enjoying family life and still working full time.
Im not saying its easy for them but they are getting a lot of satisfaction and joy in return for the effort they put in.

I also think it’s mean to choose an older partner and then call them boring and lazy. As an older person I am a bit less energetic and have different interests, but I’d have the hump if someone called me boring and/or lazy.

Agree. Actually I saw a post recently claiming that lots of women had babies at 45. They most certainly do not!

It’s nonsense saying that people in their 50s aren’t winding down. Most have kids in secondary school who are more independent, and have time to relax at the weekend. Running around after toddler is exhausting. By 60 most people’s kids are at uni or working so their free time is their own. Honestly people who work FT at 60 need their weekends to recharge because they are knackered. OPs DH will have kid still in primary. This is the reality of being an older parent.

I agree with this. I really believe that the posters saying 'we had babies at 43 and 47 and we're in our mid 50s with 2 children under 10 and we're absolutely fine,' are saying this because they are coping, and they're OK. (Many of them.) Because they HAVE to be. They have had the children now, and that's it. They can't go back in time.

But they will be more tired and weary and struggle with the children more, and will be knackered more (than someone a decade or two younger.) 'My 54 year old husband cut a tree down today, after a day at work, and still played with our little boy after dinner' type posts make no odds. We can all have energy spurts.

It's a biological fact though, that in your 50s, you are much less energetic and less healthy than you were even 10 years earlier. And definitely 20 years earlier. You can kid yourselves that you're as fit as a butcher's dog at 55, and 'healthier and fitter than a 30 year old,' and I'm sure you're coping OK, but people 10-20 years younger will be coping better (with small children) for the most part.

This is why I don't get people making it sound like a good thing to put motherhood on hold, and tell posters who still haven't had a child by 33-34, they will be FINE, because they and everyone in their 'social circle' had their first baby at 43, and they know LOADS of women who had their first at 48!

If that's true then good for you, but stop telling women in their mid 30s that they have loads of time. It is a fact that once you hit 35, your fertility starts to decline rapidly. Yes yes yes, I know some posters on Mumsnet don't like to hear this, and even deny it and laugh at it, and some posters are going to jump on me and say 'I had all 3 of mine at the age of 38 and older, and so did every woman in my social circle.'

But it's a fact. Your fertility does start to decline rapidly when you hit 35. Actually 90% of your eggs are gone by 30, and at 35, it's down to 2 to 3%! Have babies a bit older if you want, but stop telling young women that they're fine to leave it and leave it til they're 40-odd. Also, some posters claiming every women they know had their first baby at 41 or do, doesn't alter the fact that the average age for a first time mum in the UK is 31..

Thanks

I don't want to be winding down and do tons of active stuff, but I have no desire to wrangle toddlers.

This man didn"t want a child. Tough luck for him ofc. Now he needs to man up.

I'm another who thinks he might well come into his own when your little one is a bit older. He might not want to go running around parks with her, but he might well sit patiently and listen to her read or help her with school projects.

Babies and small children can be a bit like puppies. They are whirling balls of energy but hard to reason with. I found my own children utterly exhausting at three because they wanted to DO stuff all the time, but only for very short periods of time. I'd just start to enjoy it and they'd be off.

So while I don't think it's ideal at this moment, I wonder if your DH might find parenting easier when your child is out of the random stage and easier to talk to?

There’s a lot of enraging commentary on this thread but the idea that people of 50 are “winding down” is along the most batshit.

Unless you’re in the city or born into an extremely wealthy family, most people currently in their mid forties will be working until 70. At the earliest.

50 is a chapter of life, unless you have something like a cancer diagnosis it is absolutely nowhere near “winding down”.

I think NT sites are a great place for a 3 yr old and will encourage a love of history Dont see the issue with that.

@bosslady24 do you also work full time?
I think the park and NT places are perfectly good places to take a 3 year old. Cinema at 3? I can think of more fun ways to entertain a child at that age. I’ve been in the cinema with children
that age and there are toilet trips, lots of shushing, etc etc. I always wonder why the parents bother.
You say the child is a handful. So you acknowledge DC is hardwork.
A ten year difference in age is huge. You can’t expect him to have a similar level of energy as you.
When DC matures more and calms down, I’m sure he can take him to more places.

@justrelaxandsleep - it’s ‘off his own bat’. You know, like a cricket bat. Not a batshit crazy bat.

Unfortunately the ops dh is lazy and disinterested in family life. It’s not unusual. In the vast majority of households the mothers do the grunt work.
As for the dh showing lots of interest in her older child, well that’s what men do. It’s a ruse to keep the sex coming.
The majority of men will pander to the new partner and do whatever it takes. That is why so many men abandon their children for a new woman and her family. I don’t think it’s even a conscious decision that they are aware of. It’s just to keep the free sex coming and to enjoy a shiny new life. Until they get bored again. Which is what has happened in the ops situation.
Op, you need to tell your dh that he needs to step up. Whether it will make a difference, well possibly not. You are no longer new and shiny.
Also 3 year olds are not hard work. They are past the stage of waking up ever few hours, past the annoying toddler stage, past the nappy stage, past the stage of not being able to talk. Quite frankly I found this to be a great age. If he can’t cope now well, there isn’t much hope for him when your dd hits puberty.

People are in the prime of life at 50 these days. My DH wasn't much younger and at that age was full of life and up for anything, he's still pretty good 20 odd years later, where do people get the idea that 50 is old? It might have been 100 years ago but not now. Some people are disinterested parents at 20 this is not an age thing it's a him thing.

At least 15 years off retirement.

And there are much younger men who are the same with small kids

Have you read the thread? Doesn’t engage with her if he can help it? Only sees her on the weekend due to work and still doesn’t want to do anything with her because she’s too young? Makes excuses not to go out with them due to money, time, anything he can come up with? The whole point of the thread is the OP asking advice because he is not being an active, engaged parent?! 🤷🏻‍♀️

@TheFormerMrsTruelove you are so wrong that men in their 50's are too old to be dads. My dh is 57 and we have a 3 year old with sn and hes completely involved. Unfortunately there are men of all ages who are lazy bastards, that's the problem

As an aside, this is why a lot of 50-something women divorce their menchildren husband about this age.

They haven't the energy to deal with the toddler-like tantrums anymore. 😁

As pp have said, there are many ‘older dads’ who can do it so it feels like an active choice rather than an age related restriction
And there are many who find it very hard.

Your husband is 50
He works FT (and assume always have), outside of home
You have a very demanding child
He is not a naturally very energetic person
He does do things at home and will go out when you organise it.

You are younger
You work PT

Yet you are full of resentment and critical attitude.

How about you go to work FT and he goes PT? I bet that alone would rebalance things very quickly.

Another person who has come to challenge the idea that older parent.= bad or not able to.cope parent.
My husband is much older than me and was in his fifties when our last child was born. He has always been hands on and involved and in many respects the default parent at times when I have been working/ studying long hours.
Don't like older parent or young parent bashing. So unfair and unrelated to the messy reality that being a parent is hard at any age .

My H was much older when our DD was born and was considerably more active and involved. Your H is indeed boring and a bit lazy. IMO.

I mean… I’m 50 and glad my kids are teens as I would rather relax and do my own thing on holiday instead of run around after a toddler… but that doesn’t mean I’d be incapable of dealing with the demands of a toddler at my apparently decrepit age!

The OP’s husband chose to have a kid late therefore he needs to sack up and take care of the kid he chose to have!

I’m sorry op, this sounds lonely for you and will start to become problematic for your dd later on.

I also feel a bit sorry for your dh tbh as he’s lived his life for a long time without dc and it’s a huge change at his age.

Having said that, there is absolutely no excuse for him not to try and engage with her on his own terms. A good way in is to teach her something that he enjoys doing whether that’s cooking or cycling or just reading together. He may become more engaged as she gets older.

Do you ever leave her alone with him and go out alone at weekends say for half a day at first? Then he would be forced to step up,