Husband is a boring bastard

Not sure why you are offended by posts saying he didn't want a child. It's true.
It's not your fault, but there it is.

Totally agree with this. Being in your 50s - yes you do get tired more easily, but you don't HAVE to swich off from life like he seems to have. That description of him being so glad not to have to go anywhere on a bank holiday Monday and staying at home to have the house to himself.. come on!

Sounds to me like he doesn't do much, doesn't have much in the way of a social life, doesn't have ideas about where to go out and do things so is probably not getting much exercise. That's down to him.

But Age is only a factor. His general disinterest, not only in his child but also in his wife is a much more concerning and that cannot be put down to just his age.

And what about all the active grandparents out there in their 50s, who often look after young GCs?

I can't see any point in the "I told you so" or "You should have thought of that" scolding. He didn't present himself as lazy and disinterested at first when he wanted to live with her.

In sickness and in health

The fact you’ve not addressed whether he was keen to have a child rather indicates he wasn’t. Sure he could have said no, and he probably should have done. But too many women think that if they can just persuade a man to agree to a child he’ll love it when it comes along. Some do, some don’t.

Obviously I’ve no idea what happened in this circumstance. But the fact he got to nearly 50 with no kids strongly suggests they weren’t a priority. Now he’s got one it’s still not a priority.

There’s not much we can say, either you accept his approach or give him the boot.

I think its less about age and more about personality type. Im sure there are plenty of young fathers who dont engage with childcare in the same way

I think what people are missing here is that yes, he might be tired but people don’t just get to opt out until their kids are older/easier. Would it be acceptable for a mother of the same age to do the same?

Some may come with time. Some ideas may be worth suggesting to him baking or dd chopping veg or planting seeds if he’s not used to children it may not have occurred to him.
Children don’t need constant kid centric days out. I’d look at what he enjoyed pre child and go from there. If he enjoys national trust or museums do that. I was much younger but wasn’t a fan of soft plays etc. I’d go somewhere I fancied and she’d come too. Museums always have activities for children to do.

What does upset me is his general lack of enthusiasm and enjoyment in actually spending time together and creating nice memories for the kids…the stuff that is actually meant to be fun and what life is about.

He's a low energy aging man who has an a lot on his plate. He works full time outside the home, he does the cooking and gardens and looks after pets and is involved with his kid, just doesn't have the high engagement you want him to have. It sounds like he's not enjoying having a child, at least a toddler, and the toddler stage is wearing and demanding.

He's in his 50s and now you're seeing the age gap issues. This is also when chronic health issues seem to appear, has he had a recent physical?

You got what you wanted but now he's not good enough. You sounds very resentful of him and that's going to kill your marriage.

He might just not have the attention left after his work. He might be depressed. He might not be enjoying his life. But he should have some involvement and you're going to have to discuss it with him.

Have him commit to one or two outings with your child a month. You do most of the domestic work other than cooking, hire a cleaner and stop ironing.

You resent him now, if he doesn't change his level of involvement, are you prepared to accept him as he is or end your marriage? Those are your alternatives.

How much did he actually want to have a kid?

Have you asked him if he is self-conscious?

Most dads of 3 year olds are in their 30s, perhaps he feels totally out of place and more like a grandad.

I shared your frustration but I think your mistake ( as was mine) is waiting for him to offer to do stuff that doesn't come naturally to him . Don't wait for him to offer to do bedtime, just say you want a better routine to benefit her, and for you and he to do bedtime alternate nights. Maybe alternate the bath time with the bedtime story reading so one bathes her and one reads so you both are both involved every evening. Emphasis that if you alternate bathing and reading time, it will only be about half and hour of his time, or an hour on alternate evenings if you take it in turns to do the whole routine

. I think you do need to make him see that it's important to you and her that he is involved with her childhood, but the 'ask' isn't really that much effort on his part

I think you've received some unpleasant responses because the way you've written about your OH is quite unpleasant too.

You have a 50 year old man, who works FT outside of home, who in your own account cooks, gardens, looks after the dog and still looks after his daughter at times. That doesn't sound like a lazy man. It sounds more like an exhausted and maybe slightly depressed man.

Why are you so negative about him instead of trying to be supportive? We regularly get mothers posting here how tired they are working FT and looking after the house despite having fully engaged husband and they get tons of sympathy.

You haven't mentioned your husband's job and that is absolutely key. Some jobs are rewarding and not too demanding whilst others are full on.

There's a big difference between a man working FT, commuting to be a surgeon, a construction worker, a solicitor or manager directing 100 staff, compared to a hairdresser or art gallery owner.

Reading to your child is one of the great pleasures of parenting. Even for older parents.
He didn't want a child.
I would go out at least twice a week in the evening and leave him to it.

I have not read all the thread as frankly some posters are batshit.

Of course he is being lazy. Of course he doesn't just get to be a miserable bastard in the hope of you just doing everything because it is easier.

Be unavailable a hell of a lot more and leave him to the routine. And call him out on any shitty parenting too.

I think you need to accept that at his age and disposition he is not going to be an energised parent. You say he is a help around the house . My ex would much prefer to cut the grass or wash the than sit down with the children with a colouring book it didn't make him a bad person but he was less engaged as a parent.
What does he contribute to both himself chores and to doing parenting tasks. . Does he take it turns to read to you daughter? Is he stressed and anxious at work, or maybe depressed? . Motivation is hard to find if he is. Has he had a medical l check up recently?

I you need to compromise your expectations a little and try discussing and book a monthly activity or outing you can do a a family . Take a picnic if money is a source of stress to him. Empathise to him that once a month is just twelve times a year, and is more than just participation, its about making shared memories of your child growing up experiences for you all to recall when she has grown up. Hopefully he will learn to look forward to these outings and maybe as she gets older he will engage more with her clubs and activities.

Time will fly by and in 10 years time he will have a moody teenager to deal with and those delightful Zoo trips will be potentially the fonder memories to help deal with her teenage angst.

My friend's DH was late 50s when their DS was born ... he couldn't have been more involved. It's not age! He would prob have been like this in his 30s OP.

He doesn't sound boring particularly, just lazy.
One of the reasons i decided not to have children was that I am not particularly energetic- I think it is a very useful trait in a parent.

Probably a combination of his age and personality. He may come into things when she’s older and can share hobbies.
I’ll be honest as someone in my early 50s the thought of parenting a 3 yr old is horrific.
We both work in full time demanding jobs and very much use weekends to potter and relax.
Maybe compromise and agree a monthly trip at weekend.

Why don't you show him this thread and get his reaction? He does not get to opt out so he needs to find ways to get more motivated. He will be in his 60s when your daughter is a teenager and you will need him engaged to help her navigate that.

You are fully entitled to vent and, based on what you have said, you have every reason to do so. However, calling him a boring bastard in the title is mean and unnecessary.

I find the ageism on here in relation to parenting so depressing. The idea that the only appropriate way for a 50+ person to behave is to retreat in front of the TV in their slippers is straight out of the 1940s.

I am in my early 50s and run 5k plus four times a week on top of a demanding job and raising a teen. I do additional exercise with my teen on top. My friend, who had her last child aged 44, runs marathons.

Most CEOs of FTSE 100 companies and politicians are men in their late 50s or upwards who routinely fly half way around the world several times a month. Why spending a couple of hours a day engaging with a toddler should be seen as beyond their scope is baffling.

A healthy 50 something should be able to keep up with their kids. The fact that he chooses not to is sod all to do with his age and everything to do with him being a lazy, entitled bastard.

I think it is a your dh issue rather than being a dad in his 50s problem
I know a few blokes with toddlers in their 50s. Some are first time dads, one has an age gap if 23 years between his youngest older child and a toddler with the same wife and a few are having new families with their second ( and in one case third) wife.
None are sloths like your dh and are gullible on parents enjoying family life and still working full time.
Im not saying its easy for them but they are getting a lot of satisfaction and joy in return for the effort they put in.
Doesn't sound fun at all!

It doesn't for me either!

Doesn't sound fun at all!