Husband is a boring bastard

He huffs at suggestions of going anywhere, and can’t be arsed taking his own child swimming.

Ops husband gardens, cooks and takes care of the dog + works full time. He also takes the child to NT properties and the park.

I have friends with an age difference and a young child. The older parent is mid-60s. They’re always going out for country walks, National Trust outings etc and my friend does all the driving.
He works from home while their child is in school, and works and stays away from home a couple of nights a week. He also gardens, does diy etc at
hom.
The OP’s husband just can’t be arsed IMO. He sounds useless.

Sorry, but perhaps he will change as your daughter grows older. For now make the most of this wonderful age, children grow up so quickly. Go out with her or spend quality time playing with her at home, it doesn't have to be big excursions every weekend at that age.

Did he become boring the instant your latest child was born? Surely the signs were there.?

He is probably regretting his life choices as much as you are. Can’t understand why you chose to have a child with him but that was your choice.

Now you can choose to stay with him and put up with this … or split up.

your move.

My DH is 60 and we have a 2 year old. It’s not an age thing, yours is just incredibly lazy.

He's not 50, he's in his early 50s.
I'm nearly 50 and I don't have as much energy as I used to. In 5 years, it's quite possible I'll have a bit less energy. It IS old to be running after toddlers.
Of course, not everyone is the same, but in general we do slow down. It's silly to deny that because of some outliers.

50s old lol. 😂

It's nothing to do with the age, it's down to the person.

My parents take my kids to the park, days out, activities all day when they look after them whilst I’m at work. Cook their lunch and my dad is wfh as well so my mum does a lot on her own, with the 4 and 2 year old during the holidays. When I get home she’s shattered but she still carries on. She’s always been bothered about keeping her kids happy her whole life. My in laws on the other hand are the opposite, and they were the same with their own kids. They choose not to look after the kids, when we’re together they won’t even help with them nevermind the rest. I think they just like to suit themselves. The mums are the same age. Age is a slight factor but personality is the ultimate decider of a hands on parent

Boring - I can get.
But to call your Husband a bastard?
Wow.
Poor man.

Well yes At 50 I was grandparent to a 4 year old . Wouldn't have wanted a small kid myself then

Is he depressed? It sounds as if everything is too much for him. Ask him to see a doctor. It's a funny age for men and maybe he feels he's ageing and it's worrying him about being an older parent. Women generally adapt far more easily to changes in their lives.

He may just not find the activities you're suggesting fun. It can be a bit 50/50 with a 3yo, you either have a great day or have an incredibly draining experience. When you're spending quite a bit of cash it is a gamble.

You mentioned that he will take her to the park or an NT, honestly I think that's great. I get what you're saying about family days out, but it sounds like he is coming with you sometimes too, maybe it could be better. Does he know how you feel? Have you asked him what really makes him hesitant?

I get the desire to give a kid a "good" childhood, it it is alright to live life more slowly sometimes. We never used to be doing stuff all the time. How is he when it comes to bath time, involving her in dog walks, gardening etc or reading to her? These are the things that would make me feel like he's interested.

This sounds so frustrating and draining for you OP.

I imagine your DH had absolutely no idea how draining having a baby/young child is and so didn’t quite know what he was letting himself in for. I doubt there are many men in their early 50’s who still work full time and would feel excited about looking after a 3 year old for the weekend. However, your DH needs to realise he doesn’t have a choice.

When me and DH were trying for our children he put a very strict boundary in place and said that by the time he got to 35 then all attempts to conceive would stop as he would not want to be managing babies/young kids after that age. Thankfully we squeezed two children in before he hit 35!

But anyway….. although your DH is now having his reality check and seeing that having a child at his age is a lot harder than what he envisioned, he can’t just opt out.

It’s completely understandable that he’s tired and wants to chill out at the weekend but he still needs to be engaging with his daughter in ways that don’t require him to be exerting lots of energy. There’s no reason at all he can’t do bath and bedtime each night and read stories to her etc, or get the paints and board games and jigsaw puzzles out at the weekend and spend hours playing with her in the living room and then take her to the park etc.

I suppose you just need to find a happy medium. Three year olds just want attention and to be engaged, that can come from a quiet but fun and interactive day at home rather than your DH feeling pressured about a big day out that will go on for hours and involve lots of walking and activities when he’s already tired from working all week.

Maybe you could have one weekend a month where you do something special, whereas your other weekends are more mellow but still focused on being together as a family, with your DH understanding that he has to make more of an effort to interact with his daughter and form a bond with her.

I'm sorry so many posters feel the need to be rude to you @bosslady24 , you've not the first woman to have a baby with an older man. The only thing I would say is that if he'd never been a parent until his 50s he's probably finding it hard, it doesn't mean he doesn't love your DD, it just means he's not used to having to put someone else first.

lol, exactly. Comparing celebs with on-tap support and tons of cash with a full-time worker is not exactly helpful.

😀And I am the same age as Cameron Diaz- who has just had her 3rd baby at 53 but a lot more knackered. I wonder why that is.

Also people quoting his age as the issue he us younger than Peter Andre who also has a young family.

How fit is he? DH improved his diet, gave up alcohol and lost 3st took up weight training and creatinine and now his energy levels are through the roof. He is mid 50s.

I do think some people are more accepting of get old before you need to. There are retirees that do marathons and other crazy events

Ok probably against the grain here but I had an older dad, he was always nackered and didn't want to go places or do kiddy stuff so my mum took us. As a kid I didn't notice any issue with that, what I remember is a cooler than cool dad who played cards and board games with me, had the most inspiring conversations, taught me the most amazing things. Thankfully he lived well into his 90s and I had a father I wouldn't swap for the world. Cut him some slack, if you want to take your daughter swimming fill your boots but let him parent his way.

I suspect he’d be just as crap a dad even if he was younger. You both made a choice though and there are small kids to raise - he needs to grow a set. He’s 50 something not 90 - perhaps he needs to get fitter if he’s feeling that old. In the meantime work on your exit plan - he won’t change.

I really find it quite odd that so many are replying putting the blame on you for having a child with an older man…
Yes okay, you probably both didn't understand what you were going into (who does until they’re in the trenches!). But ultimately, he had a child and has a responsibility to that child. He needs to step it up.

In the meantime, sounds like you’re doing a great job and not letting his lack of his involvement get in the way of you spending valuable time with your kids. Focus on this and then figure out what his behaviour means for your relationship.

Respectfully, some men in their 50s. Mine does all the usual activities with the kids, most of the ferrying around, and manages to go running every day as well. 50s isn’t that old, he’s just lazy. Not that it helps OP much!

Some people are high energy into their 70s. Some behave like old folk in their 40s. My husband is the latter and it's unbearable - we are pretty much the same age, but I bounce through life grabbing every opportunity to have fun on top of the life chores, and he needs a lie down for an hour after doing 2 hours of housework (genuinely).

I feel your pain.