Husband is a boring bastard

I don't think it's his age in a physical way. He's fit and healthy, lots of men in early 50s have full-time jobs, and have the energy for children, playing sports, cycling for hours blah blah.

I think it could be a factor in his mindset as he's had one way of life for a long time and is resisting the major change to that. He's happy as Larry in his rut. But then he shouldn't have chosen to make a baby if he wasn't prepared for a lifestyle change.

You don't need to be brain of Britain to know family life is different and harder work than single or couple life. He's choosing to be a lazy, shit Dad, knowing you'll pick up the slack. Up to you if that continues...

Be warned...'boring bastard' men (and I know exactly what you mean by that) only get worse as they get older. I know men who've barely shifted off the sofa since their 50s and have to be dragged out to do the smallest things. I also know 80+ year olds who are active, busy, inquisitive, still trying new experiences and game for anything. It's a mindset not an age thing (health reasons notwithstanding).

Sorry but you're hilarious. I'll just tell my neighbour whose having chemo that she doesnt get to opt out of doing social stuff with her kids because the Great Shield of Motherhood will stop her catching an infection that might kill her. Or my friend who was recently diagnosed with lupus that the exhaustion is all in her mind and she just needs to get up and at 'em and carry on the active life that she previously enjoyed because she'd be letting her family down if she priorises her health.

Sorry you’ve had such unhelpful responses op. I’m genuinely appalled by many of the comments suggesting it’s your fault he’s not contributing because you allowed him to make his own decision about his ability to be a parent in his fifties, and didn’t assume he completely past it and unable to be a parent. It’s clear to see why the patriarchy remains when men are benefitting from women reinforcing it and gender stereotypes that mean they expect you to suffer the consequences of his limited input and to carry the weight of all that extra responsibility. I really hope the women commenting don’t have daughters that they are passing these messages on to and who then feel trapped in unfulfilling relationships carrying the weight of everything.

Yes, in my earlier posts I said both myself and my partner both have health problems, his he needed an operation for, mine I have occasional hospitalisations. Doesn’t mean we get to opt out of doing anything with our children.

@bosslady24 my husband is 59 and we had our 2nd and last child when he was 48 - so similar to your position(s) (I'm 10 years younger than him). When our youngest was 3, he would get up with the girls at the weekend and take them to the park or swimming so I could have a lie-in, often after having spent the week away with work. When she was around 3, he took them away for a few days to his mum's so we could break her habit of having the boob at night. At other times he's taken them away for a couple of nights to give me a break.

So it may be that he's just not interested as you fear - plenty of younger men are when faced with the reality of young children, so it's not an age thing. It may also be that for whatever reason he is genuinely finding it much harder than some other men of his age. Does he eat healthily, not drink too much etc?

Unfortunately it's hard to tell for us what the issue is as we don't know him. But I would say I don't think it's necessarily an age thing so maybe you need to have a discussion about this with him. It could be like others have said that he will be more invested when she is a bit older and it starts to feel more like a relationship with her than herding cats as it does at that age.

Good luck.

And if you develop a serious health condition in your 50s, as many do, then the things you do as a family and the way you parent may have to change, regardless of how much fun you had in your earlier life. Its not something that you get to choose or even necessarily influence by the way you live your life.

Yes, I had my children later in life. My youth/twenties was spent full of adventures and spending money, lots of people these days meet their partner later and a family follows afterwards. It’s not such a novelty as some people on here are making it out to be.

I met my partner in my mid 30s after a long term relationship ended. I am now approaching 50 and he is over that. We have a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I had ALL the fun before my children arrived and now we do it as a family, children need parenting regardless of how old their parents are.

Could be his age but might not be. My uncle is in his 70s and does more with my two than my waste of space ex. He never took them anywhere on his own...i always had to be there...and even when we did go hed be on his phone.
We are now divorced and he rarely takes them anywhere...occasionally a trampoline place but if course he will sit at a table on his ohone....even my eldest now says he doesnt want to see homim because he never talks to them and is on his phone.
Some people are not cut out to be dads...we never know until the chkldren are here.
Not sure what my advice is. Id weigh up the pros and cons of staying...

🤣 🤣 🤣 less the "privilege of long lasting relationships" and more the biological realities of your 50s for some of us. Enjoy reeking of the benefits of good health if you are privileged enough to do so.

I think the huge majority are on your side OP and not being spiteful to you at all.

I think the general consensus is that at his age his behaviour isn’t all that surprising as for a lot of men in their 50’s, dealing with 3 year old alongside working full time is a lot, but also saying that he doesn’t get to ‘opt out’ just because he hadn’t realised how much hard work it may be prior to agreeing to having a baby at his age.

Exactly, as I said earlier I'm a 53 year old man with bags of energy and a young child. I enjoy doing activities with him all the time. I partied hard when I was younger and I am much more suited to older parenting giving him more time than I would have done in my youth. Having a lie in until 11 and going on holidays all the time over 50 is great if you are loaded with money. Personally I had my lie ins in my teenage years. This misconception of having to do things at a certain time of life is utter bollocks and it's up to the individual how they choose to live their lives. I personally know loads of older parents not just those on mumsnet as someone posted. Do what you like when you like, as long as you do it well who gives a shit?

I had my sons at 23 and 25 years of age. They both started their families in their mid thirties. So yes they get tired. But their youth was spent living the high life. They've had fabulous holidays, lived and worked abroad.

It's just different now.

I think some of the posts saying 50+ is the slow decline into old age (🙄) reek of privilege of long lasting relationships that started when they were young. It’s obviously inconceivable to think that some people have to start again when they are a bit older due to breakups, death of a spouse, etc… 🙄

I think many, many people have said it's unfair, and he made his bed.
Harder to see how you get him to lie in it.

There was a post earlier about man in his early 60’s with a two year old apparently….

I’m clinging on desperately to this thread to see if that claim can be beaten with a post appearing about a man on his 70’s with a 3 year old who still has all the energy in the world to be an amazing hands-on dad….. 😂

My dsis was 39 when she had her DS. He's now almost 10 she'll be 50 next year. Even that age of being a mum now seems a stark contrast to my reality. My dnephew has zero grandparents left alive. His only 2 cousins (my DC) are 18 & 22 & don't want to play with him much plus they have very busy lives with A Levels & Uni. My sis lives 140 miles away anyway so not easy to visit. Apart from being knackered as a Dad over 50 with very young children, most people I know (I'm 51) are working long hours/getting promotions now their kids are practically grown up in order to pay off their mortgages early and think about their own futures/start making retirement plans. I've loved going on short breaks with my DH this year without our DC. It's finally our time after decades of putting our kids 1st in everything.

I dont think he sees it as "missing out"

He’s just knackered tbh. You married a man too old for children really he’s grandparent age!

I thought so at the beginning of this thread as I am 54, have working children and lots of freedom. But maybe the reason I am done with child related stuff is because I have dragged them up?

The energetic 50-something dads on this thread haven't done all that, so it's a delightful novelty? Maybe.

Couldn't agree more with this post. Life after 50 is for freedom, and adults only holidays, and travelling, and lying in til 11am, and doing what the hell you want past 50, not looking after toddlers, dealing with school politics, other mums, school bullying, homework, and all that jazz, and dealing with teenagers in your late 60s. Then doing all the Uni stuff/funding your DC through Uni in your 70s! Gawd, that's stressful enough in your late 40s/early 50s. Never mind doing in your 70s! Most people want to be winding down past 50, not running about after small children!

Only on Mumsnet do I see people in their 50s with infant and junior school age children. Never see it in real life. And as I said, I know many people from all walks of life, from many professions, and from several social classes.

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I wouldn’t say he’s boring as such, he’s just very middle aged and wants an easy life as many folk do at that age… What’s strange is the fact your DD was planned so he must have had some sort of idea of what he was getting himself involved with. I think that’s the stinger really, his behaviour would be a bit more understandable if he’d never wanted to be a father and your DC was unplanned.

You have my sympathies, and I think your resolve to do more alone is the right move. With any luck he might feel as though he’s missing out and come along. I wonder if he is an introvert? I read a book that says extroverts get their energy by interaction whereas introverts recharge by having alone time, peace and quiet. I also sympathise as a 45 year old mum of a 6 and 3 year old. It’s hard work and I’m knackered, I would be delighted if my husband decided to take them away overnight. It doesn’t mean I love them any less.
I can see both sides here- I’m a home bird and would happily stay home a lot of the time but often the kids being at home is far from relaxing and I need to get out with them. My husband is the same. For what it’s worth, I think time spent together in any capacity is enough of a memory for kids, not necessarily holidays and outings. My dad was 53 when I was born and sadly died when I was 8 - I have lovely memories of us sitting in the garden drawing the view together when I must have been about 5/6. We used to drive around in the car together and he’d tell me stories, singing songs together etc. I understand your frustration but I’d pick your battle and ask him to put more effort into the low effort stuff like bedtime stories. I hope that in time he will naturally want to be more involved. At the end of the day your DD is loved and cared for and that’s the single best memory to have xx

Early 50s it's not old . Ffs.
I'm an older mum, had my kids at 39 and 42. Yes it is tiring, but 'respectfully' (as everyone is so fond of saying on here)... everyone has a choice. That was mine and this was theirs. HE was a part of this. HE f*ed up, not them. I know men who had kids in late 40s and early 50s and they do just fine and enjoy spending time with their kids. Everyone needs a moment to themselves, or has an off day, but if that's 24/7 then that just makes him a shit dad and a shit partner. And he needs to acknowledge that and take responsibility. Please stop piling onto the OP. Everyone can be so clever with hindsight. This is not her fault, it's his. A man. Someone from the same group in society who are wondering why women are choosing to be on their own.