Husband is a boring bastard

@friedaklein · Today 21:28

I find it's only on MN that men in their 50s have the energy of 30 year olds.
In real life, most 50 + men I know don't want to be around toddlers.

Pretty much this. ^ Maybe for short spells, like seeing grandchildren for a few hours a week ... But not having their own toddlers, in their 50s. I don't know a single man who would want this, and I never have.

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Maybe the problem isn't so much him being a boring bastard but otherwise that family life is inherently boring.

God knows enough parents complain about it here - most of them can't wait to get rid of their kids back to school.

It's not that exciting to spend time with young children especially not when you're in your fifties. Thanks. Will probably change when she becomes an older child.But quite frankly, young children are extremely boring.

It's not about being ready for the care home. Nobody said that. DH and I- both in our fifties- have spent the weekend hiking,swimming, going to the theatre and meeting friends, not on the couch. Probably walked over 20 km.

But neither of us would want to look after a toddler. It requires patience that we don't have any more.
Of course, OP's DH unwisely agreed to have one, so he needs to man up and find the patience.

My Dad was 50 when I was born and was the most involved, active father I could have asked for. He took me loads of places on his own, was always taking me swimming, we did active holidays etc. It’s not an age thing, it’s his personality.

Yeah, this

It’s not about age. The OPs DH is a rubbish Dad who can’t be arsed.

DH and I had our 2nd child when he was 48 and I was 42. DS is a teenager now and DH is early 60s: they’ve done football skills practice together (4 times in 2 days), been out for dinner, been to watch a football match and made a model of a famous rock star this weekend.

TOTALLY agree! @bosslady24 some posters are clearly taking the opportunity to twist the knife because they take issue with age gap relationships. Some of the most engaged amazing people I know in my life are in their 50s, 60s, 70s and even 80s!

My own mother is late 60s and truly exhausts me with her zest for life and need to be on the go constantly (something I haven’t inherited btw!).

I think your DH would have been exactly like this if he’d been a dad in his 30s or 40s. Laziness and being disengaged and unenthusiastic is a personality trait not an unavoidable symptom of aging!

All that being said, I really feel your pain and it sounds tough. Are you connected as a couple in other ways? Did you used to date and do fun things in the beginning? Just wondering if this touches all aspects of his life or if it’s specifically managing a young child that he is avoids.

If he is introverted he could just be a bit burnt out, toddlers are full on (obviously you know that).

Do you think that setting aside time for each of you to have proper “alone time” each month and then looking at a mix of active family days and homebody family days that is a compromise could work?

Maybe you’ve fallen into the habit of being the “pusher” of activity (because you fear he would spend every day at home otherwise) and then he feels he has to constantly “resist” (because he fears that if you had your way you would be doing activities every single day). But if you sat down and talked through a rough plan of compromise, everyone could relax and drop the roles a bit? It might be more effective if he can mentally prepare for the outings and look forward to the downtime (as an introvert I need to prepare for activities and don’t like them being sprung on me).

You could suggest a mixed schedule:

• Week 1: Saturday family outing; Sunday family home & chill day
• Week 2: Saturday Mum & kid day out, DH alone time; Sunday chill at home as family
• Week 3: Saturday DH and kid day out, mum alone time; Sunday chill at home
• Week 4: Saturday chill at home; Sunday family day out/have guests over.

I think this marriage has run its course. Neither of you are enjoying it.

Thank you, I thought I was losing my mind reading some of these pandering replies. He's 50 not dying. I bet he finds the energy to do the things he wants.

When I look back, he’s always been a bit like this even before we had her.

And there it is.

This is his personality, this is what he's like. You chose to marry him and have a kid with him.

I'll never understand how so many women seem to go through the dating, marriage and procreation processes and only then notice the personality of the man they've been doing it with, when he wasn't even hiding it.

My husband is 52 and we have a 4, 2 and I’m pregnant. He possibility my does a bit less than me when he has both - by that I mean he’ll take them to the park instead of the local farm. But he’ll absolutely has both of them regularly on his own and in lots of ways has
more patience than me. His age isn’t the excuse lots of people seem to think it is.

This really, I’m in my early 50s although my children are grown up and I’m fucking knackered most of the time

OP you have to appreciate that he is older and he works FT - you are younger and only work PT.

I think if you worked FT perhaps you would be a bit more understanding.

I am younger than you but when I had a 3yo and working FT I was absolutely exhausted.
I couldn’t imagine planning to have a 3yo at 40 with a 50yo.

That being said, he chose to have a baby just as much as you did and he needs to find some energy from somewhere.

Considering you are younger and have another 20+ years of working - have you considered him going PT and you doing FT?

I do know someone in a similar situation and unfortunately the older dad was quite resentful to his younger wife, claiming he had tricked him into having a child that he didn’t want.
He actually went as far as saying she assaulted him in his sleep.
He was fine when she was pregnant and the baby was born but then he started getting more and more resentful over it.

A friend of mine is 52 with a nearly 4 year old, and he is a very much engaged Dad, to a very wanted first child. Your husband's attitude isn't due to his age!! I suspect that your husband has realised how hard parenting can be and being a Dad isn't the fairy story he'd envisioned. It's likely even if he'd been a Dad at 30, his attitude would still be exactly the same! He likely finds this stage of parenting as dull as ditch water, and realises that babies/toddlers/pre-schoolers need a lot of attention, which means he can't do what he likes when. Being older he's had years of doing what he likes, when and only having to think of himself. Becoming a parent changes that.

You may find OP, that once your daughter gets older, he may find it easier/more interesting and be willing to do things. Unfortunately, there's always a possibility that won't happen, and he's always going to be a shit Dad.

Be the best Mum you can for your children. If that means you have to take the children out alone etc, then that's what you need to do. You can't make him step up and be a decent Dad.

You're both old to be parents and this thread shows there are issues and it isn't plain sailing when you're parents in you 40s and 50s 🤷‍♀️

you do know that child free holidays are available for all age groups not just over 50s?

have you honestly met someone over 50 who went on an old ppl holiday?

im married to an ‚old man‘ as pp pointed out and none of the ‚old‘ ppl I know would be seen dead on these whether or not they like children.

I dont know. I've just spent 3 days with my DC and thier three year old. I wasn't alone and he's knackered me out. I guess I have an excuse (long term sick) but at 53 I was done.

I find it's only on MN that men in their 50s have the energy of 30 year olds.
In real life, most 50 + men I know don't want to be around toddlers. I am 54 and very active, but I also do not want to be around them!

That said, now she's here, he should make more of an effort.

Unlike you, I didn’t miss any point. I very clearly said that she might find there’s an improvement as her DD gets older. Perhaps if you weren’t so intent on taking offence on someone else’s behalf, you might have noticed.

And you set the bar as low as you like in your own relationships but ‘Yes it sucks, but as long as he’s not abusive’ is lower than most of us would be willing to tolerate.

you guys will be fine, 3 is a season just like the rest, she will get older and easier. Hang in there. Focus on being a good mum and focus on his good bits. Thats what I do.

I wouldn't say that your DH is a boring bastard, I think that's unfair.
He's a lazy, boring, bastard!

I'm 46 and I wouldn't live with a 3 year old at this point if you paid me. He's clearly not happy to be a father, is he?

I know it isn’t what you want to hear now but its a LTB. Seriously. There is no point to this man at all, he will drain your life away.

Rip off the band aid and do it while the kid is young enough not to be impacted. Even poverty is better than this.

Its happened , he might find it easier once she is older. He might be an older dad but what a pile on , there are a load of shit dads out there who are alot younger.
If you have a good relationship it will work out, perhaps he is lacking in confidence too.