Husband is a boring bastard

I’d love to see what would be said if the roles were reversed here, I wonder if an older mother would be given as much grace….

I don’t agree with this. He’s not “too old”. I think it’s his personality/he’s lazy/he’s perhaps depressed.
My DH is very hands on and energetic with our ‘tweens and he’s older than OP’s DH.

He is not old. I know lots of parents and grandparents who love doing stuff with their kids who are older than your husband. He just doesn't seem interested in you or your daughter, which is sad. Accept this and do stuff just the 2 of you. It might push him into joining in if his relationship is suffering with you both, or it will go the other way and you will realise that you never needed him anyway as brings nothing to the table. Don't think you aren't in a position to leave him, you would get help via UC and child maintenance from your husband and possibly spousal maintenance.

Depends on the person. Late 40s/50s some start getting tired.
But.. really he could try to do something Saturdays and relax sundays..

Also they do say autistic people tend to have kids older so could that be a factor? Just not that interested in young kids?

I’m almost 50 and my partner is over that. We have a 10 year old and a 7 year old. Both of us have health conditions (mine I have been hospitalised for) and yes, I’m afraid you do just have to suck it up to give your kids a decent childhood. I’m knackered pretty much all the time but parenting means putting your kids first.

He sounds set in his ways and struggling to adapt to being a dad. What did you expect have a kid with a 50yo?

So how was he before you had a child with him? did he want to do lots of stuff back then and changed overnight when he became a parent?

Cringe post. My dh is 52 and we had kids later in life. He worked today, came home and then we cut down a tree, cut the grass and trimmed the bushes. We have been on the go all day. Lazy bastards can be young or old. Lazy is lazy. Age doesn’t define this.

Yeah this, you don’t really get an option.

Im a mum and had my 2nd daughter at 46 . I’m now 58 and yes I’m tired but we still do stuff and I enjoy spending time with her . Have children and you won’t have your own time . He should realise that .

I think some people have more energy than others, Dh is 50 we have an under ten, he’s up when Dc are, fully engaged, plans holidays etc, happy to do stuff with Dc by himself. I think it’s more to do with your life changing quite dramatically after decades of just looking after yourself. I definitely struggled with a 3 yr old in my early 40’s. It’s knackering, you may find he adjusts but he does need to get stuck in regardless of how he feels.

My husband is 51 and is the most committed and devoted dad of our 4 year old. Perhaps he doesn't have as much energy as men in their 30s but he gives it a bloody good go!

I know two men who’ve had heart attacks in early 50s in last 2 months. One died. One recovering. Apparently healthy. It’s not as easy as just get on with it if his fatigue is medical, or really marked due to age. If it’s just lazy b-itis then that’s a different story but reality is most folk in their 50s have less energy than they had in their 30s or 40s. Doesn’t make the situation any less unfair on OP or her DD.

My DH is 56 and our eldest is nearly 16, but our youngest daughter is 6, and wasn't planned. Our son is the middle child aged 8, so understandably my poor DH is not the most energetic dad coming up to the wrong side of 55 🤣

To be fair, getting older and having young children is not a picnic, and I'm pretty knackered these days too in the depth of perimenopause, but we genuinely try to give our children the best childhood we can, as I'd always feel sad if we didn't. Fewer days out, yes, but we have little UK breaks at places like Haven, days in Norwich, and my parents who are quite elderly are brilliant and support us loads too. We're not well off parents but as PP have said, we do our best in spite of not always feeling like we're full of beans.

Your DH might just be a bit of a passive, unenergetic person generally, but he does need to try to engage a bit with your DD.

Let’s put the age aside, someone working part time will certainly have more time on their hands and be more relaxed at the weekend than someone working full time so age aside, you’re bound to have more energy and bound to get bored more than him. He may also be lazy but unless you both work full time, you won’t appreciate that the only downtime he has is the weekends and he does not want to have go out every time. When will he rest too or do other house chores.

Tough situation for you OP. Don’t get the blaming. None of us can see the future.

In my early 50s now and the difference in my energy levels vs early 40s is insane.

No way I could parent a young child. After work I’m utterly exhausted. Might not be in my 80s but it’s definitely not like I was a decade ago.

Hoping once she’s older things will improve but could be when he says he’s tired he really is.

Appreciate you will be too, but do admire your resolve to give your DD some great times in spite of that and the rubbish situation.

Bloody hell, these comments 🙄 Yes he’s probably knackered, yes he’s an older dad but so what? He’s a dad (like OP is a mom) and you just have to get on with it for the sake of your kids. I was almost 40 when I had my first, I couldn’t opt out or have anyone cover for me like people are suggesting OP do for him. Parenting at any age is irreversible and exhausting, suck it up buttercup!

What’s the age gap between your children

Your updates show that it’s probably more personality than age. If he was always a bit lack lustre it was very unlikely to get better with age as motivation to do things like socialising, being adventurous, trying new thing is more likely to reduce as we get older.

I do think age will play a part though in general energy levels. My Dh is 50 (I’m 43). We’ve a mid teen so no running around (apart from lots of driving around!) but I’ve noticed his energy/ strength have reduced over the past year. Today he spent a few hours working in the garden (albeit cutting trees/ hedges so not potting plants) but he came in and was shattered! A few years ago he’d have spent all day out there and wouldn’t have taken a fizz out of him.

he certainly doesn’t have the same energy he did have when dc was a toddler and I wouldn’t expect him too. I think you need to respect that he doesn’t want to do certain stuff but I’d prioritise the stuff that’s important. That doesn’t mean he shouldn’t share all parenting, just means if he’d rather stay at home and do it rather than going to the beach for the day then that’s ok.

I think this is a DH / some men just are like this problem.

My father was 55 when I came along - first and only. I think he was a bit nervous to be left with the baby initially but it never really stopped him. I probably had more days out shopping with just mum - especially as teen - but we also did lots of things as a family of three, and I have memories of DF taking me swimming, making art, reading stories, playing games in the garden or at the kitchen table and driving me to all sorts of activities. He was working and did lots of jobs around the house and looked after a big garden mostly by himself, too. He was also born before ww2 so not technically a modern man. It was simply who he was. His only concession to age was acknowledging his relief at having a Dd as he knew keeping up with a son with any inclination to sport might be beyond him.

If your husband doesn't even try to bond with your children it will be harder as they age, OP. I am so glad to have all my memories of time with him now. Even just being in the car. It will be sad for your DC if they miss out.

My ex DH was like this and our children were born when he was 28 and 30.

attitude is important too!

I'm in my 60s.and have more energy than your waste of space DH, sorry to say. It's f all to do with his age, he's just lazy and selfish. Personally I'd just up and leave the house occasionally, sans DD, maybe spending some quality time with your older one or just taking some me time. Make him step up and look after his DD for once.

Well he does take the child out

One of my friends had three babies across four years when her husband was 49. He's 55 now and an active parent who proactively plans things to do with his children.
He also found time to run the London marathon last year
55 is middle aged, not old aged.

While not all 55 year olds are running marathons, a lot of 55 year olds find sufficient energy to be prime minister or CEO of a FTSE 100 company or be a brain surgeon or a leading professor or a high court judge.

So it feels not unreasonable to think a 50 year old could manage to pack a bag of nappies and snacks and take a three year old to a farm for a half day outing.

He clearly is intellectually and physically capable of doing his job which is probably harder than grabbing some nappies, slicing some fruit and chucking a rain coat in a bag to take a child out.

If you want to compromise with your DH you’ll just have to appreciate that his time with your child will be different than yours. When I have 1-2-1 days out with my DS they tend to be the more exciting type things and my DH tends be more National trust and English heritage type days. Just different - not any better or worse just different - for us that’s just the way it works out with managing work and school holidays. We do have some lovely days together but not sadly many. Your DH may come into his own as your child grows. If not you have to decide what you can live with.