Husband is a boring bastard

There are lots of 50 year old that run marathons. Doesnt mean we can all do it.

My ex was like that. Not interested in doing things. Even with the kids. I divorced her.

Doesn't sound lazy, just knackered. And possibly regretting his life choices.

Maybe your husband is struggling, he could be depressed &/ or very tired / lethargic / ill. Maybe he’s having a hard time being a dad for whatever reason. It sounds like a talk for the two of you could be important. It may be that if you share your frustrations with him and tell him what you need from him he would be able to step up? These things can turn into resentment in relationships if not dealt with. I know there is a part of it that may involve accepting him for how he is but also maybe if you talk to him he may open up about what’s going on with him or atleast get it off your chest about how you feel you are shouldering all the parenting

my DH has a progressive illness (Ménière’s) a couple of years before he was diagnosed he has little energy and desire to go out. He would complain about being tired and ill but I did not realise how this was affecting him until later. I sometimes got frustrated with him as I thought he was not making effort but actually he was unwell and I hadn’t realised it. I think talking to him would be important and I really hope this helps you both. Being a mum can be very lonely without a supportive and involved partner so I really hope you get the support you need.

Why is it a requirement for your husband to do activities with you?

Is that a joke? Bare minimum of a marriage is wanting to spend time doing things together, and bare minimum of being a parent is wanting to do things with your kids so they have a nice life (even if it isn't what you would choose).

Being married or being a parent means you can't just opt out of it when you feel like it, leaving the other person to go it alone.. which is why you should think carefully before doing either!

He sounds thoroughly selfish.

This is ridiculous - 50's isn't old. I know loads of energetic people in their 50s. He just can't be arsed. This is laziness, not old age.
Plenty of men in their 30s and 40s also behave like this, and just want to opt out of the actual hard work of parenting.
OP, you might it improves as your DC get older, and there's less running around after them.

I’m mid-50s and DC are young adults. I’d feel exhausted parenting a 3-year old full time - fills me w horror tbh. It was pretty knackering in my 30s as a healthy younger woman.
So he’s not particularly U, a child in your 50s is really a big life choice though so he should at least try.

My parents were grandparents in their 50s and were exhausted when they used to have mine just for a sleepover. Can't image how tiring it must be for him having a full time child.

The only other thing I’d suggest to think about is communication. Again, I am not saying his behaviour is ok but just thinking of a way to try move things forward. How do your conversations go when you raise these issues? If he feels he’s being criticised, the instinctive response can often be defensive. Maybe try reframe things so a fuller conversation can be had where you both listen to each fully. I appreciate it takes two but just a thought.

You’re so right, HE should have thought carefully before HE had children.

This is true, it’s a fairly common pattern.

When I met my DH, I was early twenties and he was late, but always old before his time and our relationship dynamic was similar to yours. I did the same as you, socialising and doing things with our DD alone. By our 40s, the cracks started to show and we ended up divorced. I hope that doesn't happen to you, but I personally ended up resenting a single life within our marriage and the black cloud he brought over anything fun we tried to do. We stayed the best of friends but I regret how things panned out.

What was he like before you had your daughter? Were you off out doing things, travelling, days out etc at the weekends? It would seem odd if his personality has completely shifted from someone who wants to be out gallivanting to a homebody.

To be brutally honest, all of my friends with older husbands that became dads in their late 40s and are now in their 50s have the same issue as you. I suppose if a man got to that stage of life without having children there's a reason for it. I do think anecdotally though things have got easier as the children have become older.

I don't think his age is the sole problem. I'm sure you'd be ok with it if he had an honest conversation with you about what his capabilities are and negotiated that you all did something fun as a family every x weeks or if he said, 'I'll do this on Saturday morning but can you cover the afternoon because I'll need a rest by then'....or similar. Not wanting to do anything ever, moaning and sulking is way beyond that and deeply unattractive. It's very sad that he seems to take no pleasure in being with his only child. I would have to take him to task on it but if he won't ever admit he's letting you and your daughter down then I suppose you just have to get on with it as you are. Not sure I could stay married to him in the longer term if it was me. Plenty of older men make great dads - I wouldn't want to be with one that doesn't.

A lot of super energetic 50 + dads on this thread!
In real life, I believe age is quite important and not just a number.

I’m 55 and there’s no way I’d want to deal with FT work and a 3 year old.

I wonder if he really wanted this child or whether you lobbied for it as you wanted another? To get this age with no kids suggests he wasn’t that interested.

@bosslady24 Why is it a requirement for your husband to do activities with you?

Presumably you were capable of doing your own activities and hobbies before you met your husband. So why can you not do your own activities now?

Just to offer two thoughts. First, toddler years can be tough and it may be he gets more involved as your child gets older. I’m not saying his current lack of engagement is ok but if you’re not in the position to leave it is possible things will get better. The second point is to perhaps think about what his strengths are and make the most of those. If he says he’d got jobs to do in the house, nail down what he’s saying needs doing and let him get on with it and go out for the day with a friend or other family member. If the park is the only thing he’s up for doing solo with your child, get him to do that a few times a month.

How old are you? You mention he's older, and you've had a baby 3 years ago, so I assume you're in an age gap relationship.

Unfortunately, age isn't just a number, as many will have you believe. And that's what you're experiencing now. You don't have to leave your marriage, but you do need to find a way to accept that your husband is older and doesn't have the same patience for parenting as a younger man.

I do think you should talk to him about his negative attitude though. That's not an age issue, that's a mindset issue.

Lots of older men agree with having kids just to keep the young new wife. As you can see, it works. You're now trapped with him and he's not doing a lot.

So women have no say in the impregnation, i presume it helps to know someone well before having children and accept who they are as they are if you decide to get pregnant by them? same as it would be odd for a man to complain about the mother of his child if she is who she is and he expected change

Maybe people need to think carefully before having children?

Totally unhelpful post. The OP had a reasonable expectation of an active and engaged co-parent. The fact that her DH isn’t these things is not the OP’s fault

If you want to see the patriarchy in action read the responses on this post, where a woman gets shit for a grown man who
impregnated her making minimal effort with his child. Also, the argument that he was like this before is a load of shite. Plenty of parents have had to change and adapt and behave differently to how they were before they had children, because that’s what parents are supposed to do, to prioritise their kids.

One example does not make the rule.

My husband was aged 46 and 48 when our two kids were born. I am seven years younger, so also an older parent. Now aged 12 and 10, he's the one that takes them mountain biking and swimming, and volunteers at their sports club, while working full time as a carpenter. I also work full time (and also doing professional qualifications) and do a lot of running about to kids activities. It's all about mindset.