Sisters children and step child and our holiday

The OP said that the sister asked if the OP would take them all. Her AIBU was whether she would be unreasonable to not take them or only take the older two. She is looking forward to a relaxing holiday.

This doesn’t sound as though she is desperate to take any of her sister’s children. She was willing to take the older two but the youngest would mean she wouldn’t get a relaxing holiday.

Yes, there is already going to be a rift with your sister over this, so go the whole hog and get permission from their dad to take them. Then lots of you get to have the holiday you all wanted.

Sounds like a strong arm tactic to me.

If you are still willing to take them, I would let their father know. He can fight it out with their mother.

That might make things go nuclear! Clever idea but would be like dropping a bomb.

Her kids have fucked off to their dads

Can their dad give them permission to go with you?

But it wasn’t the best result. It wasn’t what the OP wanted.

What the OP wanted was to take her nieces. The OP’s parents and DC also wanted to them to come. As of course did the nieces themselves.

Your sister is being incredibly short-sighted here. Her daughters won’t forget this.

Is she married to the 7 year old’s dad?

This won’t feel good but it sounds as though it was the best result.

I have a friend who fell out quite badly with her sister over a childcare thing that she was doing for her. She felt really bad about it but then her husband said “Well, what’s the result? That you won’t be allowed to do yet more complicated bits of childcare for her?” and she felt a lot better.

So the next time this gets mentioned you can say “I think it was the best result. It was causing quite a lot of drama and tension.” It is really important that you say this in a completely matter of fact, unemotional way. Pretend to be an English speaking German person.

God, what a way to foster resentment in the teenage nieces

good for you for standing your ground

guaranteed she doesn’t actually care about her stepdaughter being integrated into her wider step family and is just pissed off about not having free childcare

Well, she’s created those problems, and plenty for herself as well. She’s all but guaranteed that her own children will now not only resent her, but also her stepchild. I can’t imagine it’s going to be much fun in her house.

Poor DNs.

I agree @FreddoEspresso.

My sister has decided not to let our nieces come away with us.
Presumably the underlying reason is because they'll be used as forced childcare?

She is saying none of us treat her step child as if she is part of the family
Is she actually married to the 7yr olds father (you mention partner in your OP so I assume not)? If she's not even married and she has also previously dated and lived with a man who had a son then I think its realistic to proceed with caution and not fully submerge this child in your family life. It's not about disliking the child, and for most of life she can be treated equally (gifts at birthday and Xmas, taken on days out, attend family events etc) but your family holiday is a pretty big deal when in reality you can't possibly know her as well as your biological nieces (since she hasn't been in your lives that long, and also she spends half her time with her mother). Its also very telling if her maternal family won't help with childcare on Dads time...eeeek!

I think your sister will end up causing issues for herself of she tries to force massive responsibility on you guys.

Your sister is making a much bigger deal of this than she needed to.

The two big issues regarding taking her SD:
: her age - it would fundamentally change your and all your family's holiday due to the age difference.
: she is not related to you at all, so you'd need letters of permission at the very least, from both her bio parents.
Plus that's a huge responsibility to take someone else's young child abroad.

I feel really sorry for your teen nieces, who are going to be angry with your sister and resentful of their SS.
Sorry for your teens who are going to miss out on a fun time with their cousins.
And sorry for your parents, who are going to miss out on spending time with two of their DGC.

I also feel sorry for you, caught up in this drama with your sister, and for your DH.

Has the SD been routinely left out of family events and gatherings? Not given Christmas or birthday gifts from you and your parents?
Ignored when she is around?
I'm betting not.

Are her teens invited on holiday with SD's mum or her relatives, or to family parties? Does the mum give your sister's teens Christmas and birthday gifts?
I'm betting not.

Whether she likes it or not, her SD is not a 'full' member of your family - she has a whole other family that she spends half her life with. That's a huge difference.

It's sad, but this is your sisters choice, and you are all going to have to live with the consequences.

I hope you have a lovely holiday with your parents.

I just wouldn’t engage with this. She’s now gone and created drama around your holiday and the time you were looking forward to spending with your parents.

She’s made your family holiday about her. You made her a generous offer to take your nieces. She didn’t accept. Her choice, but end of conversation.

And she brings it I’d say “Do you realise you have made our holiday about you & upset our parents?”

I’m actually not surprised. The older 2 will be required to babysit.

I expect the situation will put extra pressure on your dp. Do you think they may cave and offer to look after the younger child?

I think you should take your dsis at her word and proceed with your holiday as originally planned. Massive difference have 2 dc versus 5.

What a way to foster resentment towards the young girl . Because this child is no relation at all to them . She is their mother's husband child . They will want no contact at all in future .
Poor kid stuck in the middle . Should have been no discussion at all . Older girls going away that week to see their grandparents is all .
Just because your sister chose to be with a man with a child , doesn't mean her family have to have anything other than a pleasant and civil relationship.

This is about bio or not, a 7 year old is wildly different to look after than a teenager! How can she expect you to basically give up your holiday to look after her kid. You wont be able to do anything that you wanted to.

Your sister (no doubt supported by her DH) is making a grave mistake here.

This isn't about the step-child being able to come or not anymore, this is about your nieces NOT being able to come because of their step-sister.

This is a mistake that will have long reaching consequences. I have seen the fall out of something similar, and relationships never recovered.

I wonder if she thinks this will make you cave and if you don't, nearer the time, she will change her mind and let the older two go.

Your sister sounds like trouble-maker!

Her older girls will realise this over time-sadly it will probably drive a big wedge between them/her and the step-sister.