Sisters children and step child and our holiday

I actually think, since she is not the sister’s child, change those to how much help has the brother in law given.

I guess the question you need to ask yourself is if the 7yo was a biological child - would you still only invite the 2 older ones?

I would not be taking the 7yo but I don’t know if it’s unfair to leave her out.

I just can’t get over the fact that both her mum and dad are not even in the country and that it’s up to your sister to arrange childcare and juggle that and work.

Sorry@FallingDream this is her partners problem .. I’m lucky enough not to have ever been involved with 50/50 care but from what I can see - it’s a fab way of avoiding maintenance.. (my DH had to quite rightly pay a % of salary that equated to £1750 a month.. because his ‘very important job’ meant he wasn’t available for child care except EOW ‘ .. sounds like sisters partner is trying to have it all ways by passing the responsibility to your sister ) tell her to bat this one back ! .. it’s his time , his responsibility and FOR HIM TO WORK OUT !!

Your sister doesn't need childcare for her children, they are teenagers and perfectly capable of staying on their own. Your sister needs childcare for her step-daughter, because she's 7. Your sister isn't prepared to take time off work to look after her. Your BIL is away with work, on his contact time with his daughter. Had he tried to swap his contact time with his daughter's Mum? What's he actually done to try and resolve the situation?! Surely he must have known that he'd be away and your sister couldn't provide childcare?!

Essentially your sister is palming her step-daughter off onto you, because neither her or her partner are able/willing to look after her. Yes, a 7 year old is going to need more supervision and looking after, that stands to reason!

Is there a reason why the step-daughter's Mum is willing to allow you and your husband, a couple who her daughter has met twice, to take her abroad?! Is the Mum aware this is even happening?! I wouldn't be happy if I were her! I appreciate that the Mum has no control over what happens during her ex's contact time.

I wouldn't be very happy in taking the step-daughter simply, because your sister and her partner aren't taking responsibility for the child.

I disagree that it's some sort of hardship to have older children help out with younger children, etc. I don't believe they should take on full parental roles, but fgs, my 4y/o changes diapers on younger sibling and helps them get dressed.

Simply tell your sister you can take the teens, but it isnt possible to take the 7 year old. And for her to let her know if she still wants you to take just the teens, or none asap.

rinse and repeat.

I can’t believe they are trying to push this onto you, he needs to arrange child care for her not hijack your holiday, if you give in this won’t be the last time I would bet.

but its not up to you to take them and be responsible for them.

The answer is that the child's dad has to figure out his own childcare, end of conversation. The brass neck of him 😅

Are your parents desperate to also see this 7-year-old? Has your sister spoken to them about the arrangements she's hoping you'll agree to? What sorts of activities will the 7-year-old want to do and who does your sister think will be facilitating that? And what sorts of sleeping arrangements will need to be made to accommodate all the DC?

I think my decision would depend on two things:

• how much your sister has provided you and your kids with childcare/baby sitting/family trips etc in the past.
• whether she is able and willing to reciprocate in future, either by taking your teens away with her family when they next go to visit the grandparents abroad or even watching your kids at home while you and your DH enjoy a cheeky childfree long weekend/week in the sun

If she’s historically been heavily involved and a supportive sister/aunt for your family unit, I’d be inclined to agree to help out by taking all of the kids.

Your sister should simply accept a no answer and not be trying to persuade you. It is a big ask.

However I do feel very sorry for this poor child who is being passed around like a parcel and who seems to be very uncared for and unloved. Personally I would take her and give her a bit of love ......

Are you saying that they're happy to hang out with grown ups doing grown up things? They don't want to go to the playground/fair etc. and then demand to do certain things? Or not leave the playground? Or get an ice cream or anything like that? They don't argue or fight with their siblings?
Am I unlucky or what?

You are not at all unreasonable. Taking a seven year old along, with no relatives on the holiday is risky. As others have said, passport control is going to be a stress (I have this with my son who has a different surname to me, it’s hassle enough and I am his mum!). If she got ill or homesick it’s all on you and you don’t know her mum so don’t have that same sense of what she would want you to do in this situation. From what I can gather, mum is on her own holiday, dad will be away with work, so who exactly would be available in an emergency? It’s too much to ask, and I think they are lucky to have someone in their lives who would even consider it. I feel so sorry for the 7 year old, but taking her away with people she doesn’t know, and siblings who will spend the time trying to avoid her, really isn’t going to make her life any better I don’t think.

It is really rubbish to make your older children look after your younger ones even if they are full siblings. They are called school holidays so the kids ( and staff) can have a break, not become nannies.

Has your sister historically given you a lot of childcare support?

I think that's the only thing that would influence my answer.

If she's helped you out a lot, maybe take the hit.

If not, say no.

There is one thing taking four teens to visit their grandparents in the school holidays, but taking along an extra, much younger child is something else. Obviously, I don't know the relationships or how long the child has been part of your family, but it seems like they'd be coming along for just a holiday and not as an opportunity to reconnect with grandparents. I think that is a big ask. A much younger child in the party will also affect what you do when you are away, the bedrooms situation and bed times etc. If the older two can't come without the little one, don't take any of them. Your sister can arrange her own trip to see grandparents another time.

No, my nephew is 7. My niece is 9 so not long since she was 7. I did work in childcare and grew up doing (and still do) lots of babysitting as the eldest sibling and eldest GC on both sides, maybe that changes my perspective on what's 'easy'.

I wouldn't be prepared to take responsibility for a 7 year old child who is completely unrelated to me on a holiday abroad.

Firstly you would need explicit written consent from all adults with parental responsibility. It is surprising to me (as to you) that the child's parents would both be happy for adults she doesn't know well to take responsibility for her.

Secondly if anything happened and you had to make medical decisions etc that's a big deal for you, and would need a few uncomfortable conversations ahead of time so that you would have some idea of their wishes should anything happen.

Thirdly, how comfortable would a 7 year old be without any related adults for a whole week away from home and familiarity. I don't think either of mine would have wanted to be away at that age.

I also agree that the 7 year old makes the holiday a lot less relaxing. Those would be my objections. And if sister didn't understand that I wouldn't be taking any of her kids.

I do understand that in saying no only to the 7 year old it means that you are treating a step child differently, but my personal view is that the above reasons justify treating her differently.

One final thought, does your travel insurance need to be informed/adjusted if you take any children with you that you don't have parental responsibility for (that applies to any of the 3 children)?

You go on holiday with your DH and kids. Just say no to anyone else’s kids coming.

Absolutely not. Either say you'll take the older 2 or none at all. It will be hard work for you and you'd be worried about her and it wouldn't be a holiday so you'd rather not go and deal with the expense etc. Remind her that she's on her Dad's time and he needs to parent his child. She's not your responsibility. The entitlement is unreal!

Yeah that all makes sense. All 7 year olds with nobody else to look after them would be hard work and preclude the relaxing holiday you want, a 7 year old you don't know well would be particularly difficult.

Good point!!

You could have (and still can) easily booked a holiday abroad - what were their plans then?

I'd frame it as unfair that your family holiday has turned into something else.
Go back to just going by yourselves and telling her to bring the kids herself when her husband is available.