Sisters children and step child and our holiday

There are three kids. Two of whom want to spend time with their own family without an unrelated seven year old tagging along. They shouldn’t have to miss out on their own family because of a step sibling, and. nor should they be lumbered with providing childcare for her.

That isn’t going to promote cohesion, but will be instead almost certainly cement their view of her as a burden.

Why can’t your sister take them to your parents another time?!

Agree with others who have said the dad is a cheeky fucker. He only has her 50% of the time. How long has the step sibling been in the family? Does she even know your parents?
I don’t think anyone should be treating them all the same, they have different families, by that logic the 2 older ones should also go on holiday with their 7 year old step sister when she’s with her mum…. Which is ridiculous.

Just don’t mention it. You’d have to make a lot of effort for a 7 year old regardless. Say you can’t take any extra kids. It’s ok to say I don’t want to be responsible for them.

Well, if you want to explain why a 4 year old helping with dressing and nappies is actually a relevant example despite all the obvious differences I'm ready to hear it.

Your sister completely, totally understands what you’re saying and why you’re saying, and she can’t argue with the reasoning either. But she doesn’t like it. She’s got herself into a situation she can’t manage, and she guilt tripping you into not solving it for her at your own expense, rather than she sorting it out at her own expense.

It boils down to her work project versus your family holiday.

(Well actually it boils down to this poor child not having a mother or a father or a step-mother willing to out her first, and having to spend her school holiday with her step aunt visiting her step-siblings’ grandparents. It’s just awful).

Your sister and her husband need to sort this out between themselves. This isn’t your job. They blended their family, they didn’t blend yours and neither did you. I don’t know how they could keep a straight face saying that their jobs are more important than your annual summer holiday/visit to your parents. Outrageous. And why aren’t they thinking about this poor 7yo? With a shitty dad who puts his job first, a shitty mum who would rather go on holiday, and a shitty stepmom who tells her she’s the same as her own children but clearly doesn’t treat her that way?

ETA it’s actually really miserable, thinking about this little girl, spending her holidays with someone else’s grandparents rather than her own. Why can’t she go and stay with her maternal or paternal grandparents, her own family? Why should the poor thing have to spend it with people she doesn’t know, who aren’t related to her, who haven’t asked her to come stay with them? She’s just a childcare problem to all the parents and step-parents in her life. Heartbreaking.

They'd have to arrange childcare such as a daily holiday club at home or whatever

This is exactly the reason that my parents won't have my step daughter overnight or really at all even though they will do that for my kids. It's not because they don't like her it's just that they feel as though they can't tell her off (like they would with mine) and would be too worried about something happening to her under their care.

I wouldn't take the 7 year old, absolutely not. It sounds as though you're quite happy to take the older two so I'd tell your sister that you won't take the 7 year old (due to her age) but will take the older two. If she refuses then her kids miss out I suppose.

Agreed. And I wonder whether the 7 year old wouldn't prefer the holiday club anyway. OP barely knows her so can't be sure how she actually feels about them. In addition she appears to think she'd be getting time with her sisters, when actually it sounds like the teens want to spend time with each other not her. It's possible she'd actually prefer being in a familiar environment, and with agemates at holiday club.

So what would happen to this little child if you don't take them with you? (I am not saying you should by any means, but I am wondering what the arrangements would be if he her dad is away and her step mum is working.)

Because a 7yo is more than capable of understanding the ‘my siblings are going on holiday but I’m not’ dynamic. It’s not fair on the kid. I have a 6YO DD who would be absolutely devastated. No matter what adult reasons there are for this split, there is a kid at the end of this. And I can imagine her parents thinking the exact same way if OP was to propose otherwise.

wait so your sister's kids are not related to his daughter? (the 7 year old) how long has your sister been with this man?

and no it really isnt appropriate to take a 7 year old to another country. if anything happened it just isn't worth thinking about. Is the mum even that lax that she'd not put a stop to it?

on a random note, a 12/13 year old really does need supervising on a trip. I mean maybe not in terms of tripping over or being upset, but they're still kids in a foreign country.

eta why on earth would this kid want to go and see your parents in another country? so weird that your sister would even think this was a good idea.

Your sister is a cheeky fucker and her husband is twice as bad. Imagine only having your child for 50% of their life and then trying to palm them off on your in laws who are going abroad? Awful human.

Apart from the obvious inconvenience you are being expected to to suffer, there is too much potential for things to go wrong. What if the child gets injured by accident and needs and emergency operation? What if the immigration authorities don’t accept that you have permission to be taking an unrelated child abroad with you? Fuck that.

Take your nieces on holiday and you will still be doing your sister and her husband a massive favour.

I don't agree.

I have no idea why anyone would expect you to take an unrelated 7 year old with you to another country. Would you even be allowed to, thinking about border controls and parental responsibility?

That's ridiculous. OP doesn't have to do anything of the sort.

It sounds as though this little girl's step-siblings don't want her to come in case they are expected to entertain her and look after her. They want a care-free holiday with their wider family, as does OP who was looking forward to this holiday.

I feel very sorry for this little girl but unless she is very self-sufficient and confident, I think she might be homesick without her mum, dad or step-mum and she won't be with anyone really close to her.

I think it's a bad idea and her father shouldn't have made plans to work away from home when he knew that it was his time with his daughter.

It isn't.

The 4 year old presumably has met the baby more often than OP and her DC have seen the 7 year old. And nothing about what you've said explains how the very long hours of being responsible for a 7 year old OP and her family barely know would be covered.

It's correct that this situation is probably primarily about want, notwithstanding any potential issues travelling with an unrelated child. BIL doesn't want to take charge of his own child, Dsis doesn't want to take charge of her stepchild, OP and the teenage kids want to enjoy their free time. But your example clearly isn't of a situation where the 4 year old doesn't want to help, even aside from how totally different it is to taking responsibility for a 7 year old.

This is really important.

Sounds like a shit holiday, and completely different to what was planned.

They don’t want to be responsible for any 7 year old, let alone an unrelated one.

This is madness.
What about the little girl's own grandparents? Surely that would be better all round?

I wouldn’t take my 8-year old niece on holiday, never mind a child I’m not connected to.

If you’re in the teens already, holidays are easy! Add a 7-year old and you’re back into policing the pool, making sure they eat/drink/sleep enough, then there’s applying sun cream all the time.

Definitely not unreasonable to say no to the 7-year old.

I mean we got paid… as a teen I saw it as “fuck yes I’m getting money” and then it helped form my opinion of having kids. I wasn’t a teenager thinking I wanted kids, but it’s something I looked back on. That’s fine if they don’t want to do it, but it’s an idea.

Ahh I see! That makes a bit more sense.

The older two would just hang out with your own teens and be no extra work, your sister must know that even if she refuses to admit it!
I'm a step child and usually very much "treat them all the same!", which is what I was lucky enough to experience. But you cannot treat a 7 year old like a teenager!

Also, how would it be a fun half term for her anyway, stuck with a bunch of adults and teenagers.

OP, does your sister, or more to the point, her husband, have a letter from the 7 year old’s mother explicitly saying it’s OK for you to take her out of the country ? I presume we’re talking about a trip involving Border Control and passports.

To be honest I wouldn't take responsibility for the child, step or not.