Sisters children and step child and our holiday

I would say no to all children. I wouldnt want to be responsible for a 13 yo either.

They can arrange their own holiday to see them when they can get time off work.

Arranging a family holiday and excluding a step child who has been part of your family
for years is a horrible thing to do. Declining to take a young step child on a holiday you didn’t invite them on but have been asked to take them on because their parents want you to resolve their parent’s childcare issues is very reasonable, even if you’re giving more serious consideration to taking your nieces. Looking after a 7 year old is absolutely worlds apart from caring for teenagers. It’s an unreasonable request to have made of you and an unreasonable expectation that a seven year old would be able to navigate a big trip like that without a parent.

It's not you who's making them miss out though. It's their mother. Their grandparents want to see them, they want to go, you're happy to take them - it's your sister who would be the one saying they can't go because she doesn't want them to go without their stepsister. That's up to your sister, it's a parenting decision she's making for her own DC and nothing to do with you.

I wouldn't worry about excluding the stepchild. As nice as she may be, she's too young for this holiday, she barely knows you (has she ever even met your parents?!) and she's not your niece 🤷.

It's the two step parents who need to treat the DC in their blended family equally, nobody else. They're the ones who chose to blend their families. None of their extended relatives asked for that situation, weren't consulted about whether they accepted it and didn't agree in advance to treat all DC equally. So it's a bit much for the parents to have decided for you, without your knowledge or permission, that you're to treat all DC equally and as if they are all your blood relatives.

It's not for you all to have to treat the stepchild as if she was a blood relative if you don't want to and don't feel that way about her. It sucks for the child of course, but that's life. You can't be responsible for the emotions of random children just because their parent and your relative decided to remarry/cohabit. So I wouldn't feel guilty at all about inviting your nieces and saying you won't take the younger child.

It's not even a difficult situation regarding potentially making the stepchild feel like the odd one out for no reason. If she asks why the others are going on holiday and she isn't, she can be told they're going to visit their grandparents. Why would she want to go visit their grandparents?! It's weird. Do they go with her to visit her grandparents? I somehow doubt it. It's really neither here nor there that her step siblings grandparents just happen to live abroad. All things in life are not equal.

@Dearg Exactly. It's totally unfair on the poor child. Visiting your parents is a red herring tbh, what it really boils down to is that her parents are unwilling to organize childcare for her so they're trying to guilt you into taking her.

Plus, you may even have trouble taking her to another country as you're unrelated, her parents will need to give permission for her to travel with you (No idea how that's done, an affidavit perhaps?)

If OP treats all children the same as her sister demands and declines to take any of them with her, her sister is still left with her original problem and potentially additional resentment from her children. She cannot compel her children to babysit for her partner's child so they will need to use clubs even though the child doesn't like them as there's no other option. The teens will miss out on time with their grandparents and likely be bored. The sister will achieve nothing by preventing her children from going so should just do the right thing and let her children go.

Yeah, childcare is not your problem to solve. Hell, it’s not even your sister’s problem to solve!

If they’ve been together nearly 6 years and little one is 7 then she’s been in your life a long time still. She would have been very young when she joined your family, she probably sees you as family more than you obviously see her.
I understand that it would mean you wouldn’t relax as much having a younger one, but don’t take any if that’s the case. Being so young when she came into the family she probably wants to see the grandparents as much as your biological nieces.

Unfortunately your sisters partner won't be able to go away for work as he has his child that wk. That's parenthood for you.

I would just say no, it's your only holiday this year and you're planning on enjoying it, not watching a 7 year old or requiring the young teens to look after a 7 year old.

You will take the cousins, but not the 7 year old if she wants you to. But if she insists they all be treated the same, they can all stay home with her. Be firm.

It does, but there isn't a way around this that removes the possibility. If OP sucks it up and ends up not having the rest she wants because she's got lumbered with looking after a 7 year old she barely knows, she might not be able to contain her resentment. Since it's her sister, other family members present might resent OP for not having the spine to say no if entertaining a 7 year old has any kind of negative impact on the holiday. Or if (let's hope not) DSN has an accident, gets ill, ends up needing medical treatment, are Dsis and/or the parents going to have something to say then?

Dsis has introduced the potential for drama here, unfortunately, and there are now lots of ways it could ensue because of her unreasonable expectations.

@FallingDream has already said the stepsiblings dont want her to come and they want to go away with their cousins and aunt

7 is too young and surely your sister shouldnt be arranging such things when the child has a mother who might have a say?

She's not she a stepsister to both of the children. She has no blood relationship with any of the people going on holiday or to visit.
So yes she is a random 7 year old

Honestly, fair enough.

Would I still want the potential fall out with DSis? This has a lot of risk of becoming a family drama no matter how much OP explains its to do with age and levels of supervision.

Well my brother was 6 years younger than me, and half the time I didn’t want him around, poor kid, when I was a teen, as I was a mardy so and so. Like a lot of teens, I should think. Luckily he’s forgiven me and and I grew out of my horrid stage.

I would say no to all. I think your parents will much more easily be able to accommodate just your family. Your sister needs to organise her own visits to her parents with her children and step child.

Your sister can hate your decision but that is her discomfort to deal with.

Yep. OP has said they don't want the youngest coming @TY78910. Dsis not only wants to add her to the trip against the two eldest's wishes but is also doing something that could lose them the holiday altogether. This is a lot of resentment to risk creating in the wider family because for whatever reason she can't just send the 7 year old to clubs whether she likes it or not and look after her solo in the evenings.

(I did suspect DBIL was being a deadbeat, but looking after each other's DC when the parent is working away seems a norm in their relationship so fair enough).

But they aren't her siblings and she only lives with them at most 50% of the time (assuming that they see their dad aswell its likely less). She is old enough to understand that her stepsiblings are going on holiday with their family as im sure she does when with her mum.
Also the older kids deserve time away with their extended family without having a much younger stepsister foysted on them, they didn't choose to have this child in there lives and shouldn't have their extended family time impacted by her father's inability to sort out suitable childcare on his time.

How do your parents feel about seeing your step-niece, @FallingDream? They've known her for 6 years, since she was just 1, so they've seen her grow up and may want to see her too. Certainly, my grandparents felt this way about my step-cousin despite him joining our family when he was older than your niece. They were very hands-on types who loved being with kids though and I do appreciate not everyone shares this temperament; my in-laws can barely tolerate their blood relatives!

They don’t want her there, and they’ve resisted their mother’s attempts to have them babysit.

Because that is the reality of many blended families, if not the majority of them. In a blended family the children don’t have the same relatives in common, and it isn’t necessary to pretend that they do. The DSIS can choose how she considers her stepchild, but she cannot decide that for the rest of her family.

Perhaps the actual nieces are devastated that their mother married a man with a child, is now not only trying to insist that said child is something she’s not to them, but would allow them to miss out on their own family because of her.

What if the DCs see their step sister as a sister and equally wouldn’t want her to miss out? 6 years is a long time to form a relationship between kids.

Even when everyone is exactly the same amount of blood related you don’t have to treat them all exactly equally in every single thing. It could be entirely reasonable to say we’re having a teen focused holiday this time, even if they’re all full siblings.

Add in that part of the point of the holiday is to visit relatives that are not actually relatives of the seven year old and it’s even more obvious that she would be a strange addition, the odd one out. 7yo must have holidays etc that she goes one with her mums family that her older step siblings don’t join in with? She must understand that the family is blended and there are different relationships to extended family?

Yes, it's interesting that there's nothing about the feelings of the two elder DNs in the post you're replying to. I'd have thought Dsis would be more cognisant of the risk that her insistence creates resentment. Maybe she doesn't think OP would actually call her bluff and treat them all identically by not taking any of them.