Sisters children and step child and our holiday

I disagree. Personally I don't buy into the you must do the exact same thing for children and stepchildren, I was a stepchild and it's unrealistic to expect that every child and stepchild will have the exact way experiences and things all the time but we also seem to be in this age where people have unrealistic demands.

OP'a issue is she doesn't want to look after a 7 year which absolutely makes sense, I wouldn't as well. She tells her sister that and it's up to her sister to decide what she wants to do.

It's not OP's place to ask or insist that her sister lets her take the older 2 kids or not. That's a decision for her sister and I guess her husband.

Have you considered how upset DSis' older two children are going to be that they are missing out on a holiday with their cousins and spending time with their grandparents?

And how resentful that might make them towards their SS?

The little girl's FATHER is the responsible parent at this time. He needs to either change his work plans or find another solution eg paid childcare, holiday club etc etc.

It's absolutely the OP'S 'place' to suggest whatever she likes and is comfortable doing.

DSis can agree with OP'S offer, or not. Her choice.

I think you have been perfectly reasonable here. DSis can have her two older kids out of her hair and with you or she can keep them all. You've offered something. I was initially minded to think you were being unkind when you said she's not blood and therefore you didn't want her, but when I saw your rationale eg you would be nervous to be as strict I changed my mind. Basically your sister needs to sort out her childcare for the little one and is finding that stressful. That's understood and appreciated, but it doesn't mean it is reasonable to ask you to have her for a week. How long is her partner away for, could you offer to have the three of them overnight for a day or something? (If you felt you really needed to offer something beyond that which you already have). I also don't think your sister is being unreasonable about saying you taking the older two won't work - the little one is obviously going to be upset that dad is away and then would be doubly so about her sisters being away. But that is not your problem to solve.

If that is the only childcare option this year, I would suggest that your brother-in-law offers his own SD15 a paid holiday job of looking after her DSS overnight and for 6 hours each day (7 - 10 am) and (5 - 8 pm) on your family holiday. This would only work if your parents and you can look after his DD7 for the rest of the tme. And if his DSD was keen for the job.

Otherwise he should be swapping his time with his ex or booking his daughter into a holiday club.

Once again the myth of the 'blended family' is exposed.

Your DSis chose to get together with a man with a very young child (1) when her own children were 9 and 7.

None of the children chose this.

Neither did you and your family.

Your sister demands that all 3 children are treated the same, but this is quite clearly ridiculous as they are obviously not the same, they are different.

The now 7 year old goes off to live with her other family 50% of the time. The older two do not go with her.
That is different.
Their step-sister's mum doesn't take them on holiday with her, why would she?!
That is different.
I'm sure she doesn't spend every Easter/Christmas/New Year/birthday with your DSis' family.
That is different.

The older two DC do not want to babysit their stepsister, not surprisingly.

And you, very understandably, don't want to take her away with you on a teen family holiday.

You will never fully relax, you won't all be able to do the same activities, and none of the teens want her there.

Tell your sister that she can look upon her SD however she wants, but she can't make the rest of her extended family see her the same way.

Your DSis and her partner have a childcare problem.

Not her teen daughters.

And not you.

You are not required to solve it.

Tell her you will not be taking the 7 Yr old under any circumstances.

But you are happy to take the older girls as they require minimal supervision, are close to your own daughters, and want to see their grandparents.

If she still insists you have all 3 or none, then she will have to explain to her 2 bio daughters why they can't go with their aunt, uncle, and cousins to visit their grandparents.
Her choice.

I get where you're coming from but it's not your place to suggest that. If he's decides and asks you to take the older 2 done, if not let her know you can't take all 3 because you don't want to look after a smaller child while ok a relaxing holiday simple. Don't make it a her child v her step child situation.

Really? Compared to independent 17 year olds???

You've obviously jumped on the step child but and concluded it's because she's a stepchild.

It would even take a bit of sense if the kids were about the same age but not when her kids are 16 and 17 and you expect looking after a 7 year old will be easy. No it wouldn't.

And the fact is her sister and her husband are trying to push her kids and Steph old to OP to look after so she can have some free time.

Also the little girl’s dad needs to look after her in his contact time. Pathetic from him. And I say this as someone in a senior role with a fair amount of travel. This is not your problem, OP, and being responsible for a seven year old on holiday completely changes said holiday!

This.

Just don’t take any. Your sister is saying it’s all or none, so it’s none. Then move on

Would your sister and idiot partner be ok if DSD’s school said ‘she doesn’t need mucn supervision so we leave her on her own at lunch and break times’. It’s laughable to suggest that 7 year olds can be treated the same as teenagers. Your sister and partner will need to book time off work or pay for childcare.

OP is doing exactly that.

Because they don't want to and aren't responsible for doing so, probably

"This is our holiday. We will not be taking a 7yo with us. End of discussion. You can choose whether we take the older 2 or none of them. Those are your only choices."

Oh and a child who (c) is neither related to either you or your husband nor a member of your household.

I think it's perfectly fine to say you don't want to take a child who is (a) 7 years old, and (b) someone you have only met twice.

Say that you are happy to take the older two as they will be able to do things with your two and won't need much looking after, but that if your sister is going to insist on you taking the 7 year old then it's a no to all 3 children.

This is a situation where any explanation you give is going to become a debate. I think you need to be firm but don't explain your reasoning beyond 'that doesn't work for us'.

I am a softie (pushover) but for this it is a no. I think the child would be grand but changes the dynamics andg holiday which is precious so it would be a no.

Does the 7 year olds mum even know about this proposed plan?

It might be interesting and admittedly a bit shit-stirring to include her on an email where you explained why you didn't think it was a good idea that you took her abroad without any of her parents because she probably didn't know you well enough and you didn't want the responsibility.

I mean, maybe her mum is a CF too. But if not she might be horrified that her ex is palming off his responsibilities in this way and hard questions will be asked. Deservedly so.

I wouldn't mention age or you'll be roped into it in the future.

@SatansScrotum Yep, that occurred to me too. If they do it this time, they'll be the default childcare going forward given that her Dad doesn't get on with his family. Poor child, it's not surprising that she's attached to her step-sisters, it doesn't sound as if anyone on her Dad's side is interested. 😔

If you weren’t going on holiday what would your sister and her dh do for childcare? They can do that.

Have you talked directly to the 7 year old's mum to know she is comfortable with your family taking the child? I'd assume not as you aren't planning on taking her! So are you taken your sister's word for it?

It’s just a terrible idea from your sister or her partner from start to finish.

It’s easy for your sister to say her DSD will be an easy child because she knows you, she knows you will go out of your way to look after her.

And what happens if DSD wants to go home? Do you think your sister is going to drop everything and come get here? Or would you end up cutting your trip short?

THIS is answer enough, that you don't want to babysit a 7-y-o when you had planned a different type of holiday with teenagers.

Your sister and her partner are being real CFs here, attempting to hi-jack your holiday to ease their child-care problem.