Sisters children and step child and our holiday

Taking an extra three children on holiday (regardless of the ages) will be expensive and difficult with transport. How will you travel? Your sister doesn’t see to be taking this on board-she just wants a week off at you expense!

She has been in your sister’s life since she 1? Is that correct? And yet you don’t see her as a niece?

I am with your sister, it’s all or none. She has 3 children.

That all makes sense and is fair... but they are a family unit that they have built. You aren't part of that arrangement. They need to figure out their own childcare.

But looking after a 7 year old for a day, is one thing, taking her on holiday with you, without her parents, and being responsible for her for a week is quite another, especially when your children are teens. It’s a completely different holiday. It’s not the same. And to pretend it is, is gaslighting. It’s nothing to do with biology. It’s the age that’s the issue. Surprised people can’t see that tbh. Maybe they just don’t want to.

This is the only answer. You are allowing your sister to debate you on this. You need to politely but firmly shut it down.

If the child is that easy to look after, as your sister says, she won't be a problem for your sister to mind all week or for her husband to find suitable care for her.

Shut the debate down - tell her one last time it's a holiday, not a babysitting club and your husband is also saying no as are your daughters.

She thinks she can wear you down - just keep saying it's not up for discussion now.

I think it would be too much responsibility for you to take her away and would disrupt your week. I have my own 7 year old and have just got back from holiday. While she is now much easier it will change the nature of your break on the following basis:

1. I don’t allow the 7 year old in water unless an adult is present. She is a strong swimmer but still had moments this holiday where she was messing about and swallowed too much water/would have tried to dive or jump into shallower bits. This is the big one for me re why your trip would change.

2. She vomited one day (probably the heat and motion sickness) and needed more looking after. She’d have not done well then without me. First night she cried because she missed her bedroom at home.

3. At the airport she struggled to carry her rucksack and needed one of us to do it so you would need to be conscious of that. One of you would need to be seated with her as well and likely help with airplane toilets etc.

4. mine was quite good at applying sun cream but still needed checking. She was less good at drinking enough and needed reminding.

5. we had planned to do a specific water park and then realised she wasn’t going to be tall enough to go on many of the slides much to my older one’s disappointment. The activities the teens will want to do will be different to the 7 year olds.

So your sister is right that 7 year olds are relatively straight forward but she is absolutely wrong to suggest they are as easy as taking away older teens and it will clearly change the dynamic of the trip.

I feel sorry for the 7 year old as it seems no one wants her.
If your sister has been with her dad 6 years then this little girl has been in all of your lives for as long as she can remember as she would only have been 1 when they got together.
I think it's quite sad that she isn't seen as part of the family after all this time and that while not biologically related, your own parents wouldn't show an interest in her (unless they have blanked her for all the years).

Such a big responsibility to foist onto you, even if you did just take the teenage nieces. Your family holiday would turn from a family of 4 relaxing with your parents to a family of 7 including a smaller child who definitely would need more supervision. Crazy she thinks you’d want to take 3 extra children abroad with you really… She needs to sort AL or a holiday club like everyone else.

👆 this

and I’ll add this photo, you can’t treat everyone the same as we are different and have different needs

I think a 7 yo is easy to manage on the whole.
i think definitely do not offer to take the older two excluding the 7yo.
Id do it for my parents rather than my sister

Very true. I don't know where the child's own mother and maternal family are in all this, but it seems they don't want her either, if OP's sister is reduced to twisting OP's arm. I don't think OP should take her, firstly for all the practical reasons another poster suggested, and secondly because nobody on the trip to the grandparents wants this child to tag along, and the child will be aware of that. Holiday clubs and coming home to step-mum at the end of the day seems like the best solution from the child's POV.

I agree with this.

Your sister is an enormous CF.
I'm with your husband, no point in going at all.
I cannot believe you would even contemplate taking a child you barely know abroad and all the responsibility that entails.

Your sister and her husband are users.
No wonder her own children refuse to be involved.

OP, this is the hill to die on.
You will be setting a precedent going forward if you do.

I really cannot imagine sacrificing my own familys holiday to be used for childcare by my sister.

Give your head a wobble.

Your sister doesn't give a damn about you, your family, your holiday or her own children.

She has one goal, sort out childcare and solve her problem.
She couldn't care less that it will hugely impact your holiday.

If my husband tried to pull a stunt like this from his families side and spoil our holiday I would be telling him to go on his own and there would be one hell of a row if he did.

OP has said that her nieces don't want to be babysitting their step-sister. They want to have a carefree holiday with their cousins. Their mum has tried to get them to look after their step-sister in the past and they have been resentful about it.

What? That was difficult to follow, sorry.
How do you account for in-laws?

I think it is a bit ridiculous that you are even considering this. Seven is way too young for a child to go on holiday out of the country without at least one parent. Your sister may not feel it's too young, but she's not the one being asked to take responsibility for a child, in a foreign country, a child who has barely (if at all) even reached the age of reason!!! What are you going to do if something happens to this child? If she gets sick? Injured? I would say "no" just on the liability alone.

The fact that this is a stepchild is just being used to manipulate you. If this were a biological niece, you could say "No! Are you serious? She's far too young! Definitely not!" and she wouldn't question you.

And that's not even including the fact that it will ruin your own holiday, being responsible for a small child when your own kids are finally old enough not to need constant attention. Why should YOUR vacation get ruined for your sister's purposes? I think your sister is being a CF here.

The reality is that when there is a large age gap between siblings, the younger ones will not always be able to do what the older ones are doing. They will get their turn but they have to wait. It's the parents' job to explain that, not to make everyone else forego their normal activities and pretend they are ALL seven years old.

No - tell her to do what most of us do- put the kids in nursery- ours took primary age up to age 11 in an area away from the preschoolers and young ones. It was fairly grim, a small type youth club and all they did was go on PlayStation all day but they loved it, were safe and got fed. The older kids can hang out at home while your DS and partner work

It isn’t your responsibility to ensure that your nieces and their grandparents get to meet up. Their own parents can do that by planning to take all three of their own children in their own time.
Why are you making that your responsibility?

As for taking the 7 year old, she has two parents and a step parent of her own to plan for her school holidays, the dates of which are published way in advance. They have, all three, been very remiss in not forward planning for her.

It’s extremely cheeky to assume you will do as you are told and take her along too and for guilt tripping you for not treating her the same. I wouldn’t be falling for that. Their busy work schedules are none of your business but you enable them to make it your responsibility.
Why then, don’t they treat her the same and plan to look after her properly themselves.
If her father can’t take time off, it should be her mother who takes her on holiday with her, rather than you being guilt tripped into it. You are making it very convenient for them all by even considering it.

I think it wouldn’t be right for you to take her out of the country anyway, especially without knowing her mother much much better than you do. She could easily blame you and hold you responsible if something went wrong.
The onus is on you to be aware of that fact and to account for it properly. It’s a massive responsibility.

You, your DH and all four other teens don’t want the poor child along either.
You would all be resentful of having to care for her.
The burden would fall on you, spoiling things for you when it’s supposed to be your precious holiday.

If I were you, I would concentrate on my own little family of four for this holiday and not be assuming extra responsibility for any of them.
Wanting to take the teen cousins, presumably to keep your two occupied, is clouding the issue.
Tell your sister you have thought hard about it and decided it’s best for your family to go alone, just the four of you.

It isn’t unreasonable to prioritise your own needs at holiday time. That’s what holidays are for.

I have a 7 year old. Just spent two weeks on holiday with him. He was up by 7.30-‘ every single day of the holiday! Even the days he was in bed late.

And believe me, my 15 yo dd did not “babysit” him. It was her holiday, she maximised late nights and lie-ins! I don’t think four teens would enjoy a 7 yo tagging along - the dynamic will be weird.

So I agree - you can’t relax with an unrelated 7 yo, plus you can’t expect the teen cousins to want to hang out with a “baby” sibling when they have each other for company.

I think your dsis is being massively unreasonable. We have regular conversations with my ds7 to explain why his dsis15 is going on a two day camping trip with her friends and he can’t go, or why she gets to stay up til 10.30pm but he can’t. If your dsis can’t explain to her dd7 that sometimes older kids get to do stuff that little kids can’t yet, then there’s not much you can do. I think you say to her that in this situation you won’t take any of her kids, if she feels that’s the on of fair thing to do.

Does SD’s mum even know you’ll be taking her out of the country? Before you agree to anything you need to ask this question! And no I wouldn’t even entertain taking a 7 year old child who wasn’t related what if anything were to happen ! Your sister and DH are piss takers and need to sort out their childcare

I guarantee you’ve spent more time thinking about this child’s holiday care arrangements than her own father has.

disgusting entitled male behaviour.

I have children around the age of 7- when they are old enough to look after themselves on holiday- like fuck will I be open to bringing a small child with us again. Time to relax.

Why are you listening to whatever your sister says as if it’s gospel? Are you a bit intimidated by her? Your opinions and wants are just as important as hers yet you seem to be giving more weight to hers and thinking you might be just a bit unreasonable.

Look if it wasn’t your sister what would you think about being expected to take a random child on holiday? Because really it’s totally unreasonable to expect this. Her work situation and her husband’s work travel are not your problem to solve, they’re theirs but you somehow seem to think you owe them to help sort it out. Whether she is an easy child, you’re going anyway, she doesn’t want to miss out, her mother’s away, your parents are fine about it are all red herrings. Because the basic point is it’s extremely unreasonable to expect someone to take someone else’s small child on their one family holiday.

Answer me this question, would she do the same for you in reverse? Because her request is so cheeky that I’m thinking she wouldn’t dream of it. She’d be convincing you of all the reasons why it wouldn’t work for her. And you’d see those as reasonable too. I couldn’t even vote in this because while I think you’re being perfectly reasonable saying no I think you’re being totally unreasonable bending over backwards to see her POV. Her husband should’ve thought about this before agreeing on a work trip when it’s supposed to be his time with his daughter. That’s the nub of it and he has to sort it, not you and your DH and children.

And finally have you not considered your DH’s feelings in this? It’s going to spoil things for him too and doesn’t he deserve a relaxing holiday too?

I wouldn’t be taking the 7 year old! Why isn’t she on holiday with her mum?

These are all perfectly valid reasons to say no.

But I think your sister's just going to pick away at the reasons one by one and try to change your mind.

You just need to say 'No. I don't want to take her" and stop debating, IMO.

Obviously she can't insist on taking the older two girls, but of course she can ask!

Her daughters and their cousins are close and get on well, it would be a great trip for them.

The irony is that if the SD was due to spend half term with her mum, it wouldn't be an issue at all that the two older girls joined their aunt's trip!