Sisters children and step child and our holiday

And that’s lovely. There will be some families like that I suppose. But not every blended family is like that. I expect the parents/step-parents to love the children the same, but you can’t expect all other family members too. You’re not in charge of how they feel. That’s not fair. And in this situation it doesn’t sound like that. The OP is clearly saying she doesn’t view her the same as her nieces. The older children don’t want her to go. And whilst grandparents don’t mind her coming, they are not saying they want her to come. Yes that’s sad. But reality. And it’s up to the parents to make provision for her, not try and force her on a family that are clearly resisting.
Maybe OP and family haven’t spent as much time with her as you have your niece. Maybe the connection just isn’t there as much. My parents don’t feel the same about my step kids as they do my bio kids. That doesn’t make them horrible people. And the grown up thing to do is make sure that it doesn’t impact on the kids. So that the girl here doesn’t be made to feel that she’s not wanted. But that is OPs sisters job, not her. So actually OP’s sisters decision for no one to go makes sense in that way. I don’t agree with it as that would be like saying sisters children cannot socialise with their cousins without step sister there because it wouldn’t be fair. As I said I’m sure OPs nieces don’t go on all stepdaughters activities/events with maternal side of the family.
Blended families are not fair sometimes. That’s just how it is.

How much time do you normally spend with 7yo? It would change the dynamics and responsibilities for you to have a much younger child on tow. Their df needs to find alternative child-care,

I love my nephews dearly (7 &9), spend a huge amount of time with them and we are as close a family as you get, but I still wouldn’t
take them on holiday with my teens (15 & 16) as they have totally different needs, are a completely different stage and get up too early! That’s not a relaxing holiday at all! OP your sister is being totally unreasonable

Honestly I can see why you don't want a 7 year old to have responsibility for, but I think you've a terrible attitude about her place in your family you've known her since she was a toddler presumably, if your dsis has been with her father for 6 years, and see her frequently but make a point of distinguishing her as "not your niece". Poor girl! My dsis's step daughter is very much part of my family and my niece and I'd never be able to bring myself to make a point of her not being biologically related as a reason to make it clear she's unwanted. I also have a step sibling who I consider to be my sibling and very much part of my family, so I think you making a point of ensuring the older ones know "they might miss out because of her" is bloody awful and expecting them to openly resent or reject her. Honestly, shame on you for stirring the pot to get your own needs met rather than just saying no to them all to treat the situation fairly. You might as well sit her down and tell her you don't love her as much as her older siblings given it's clear from your behaviour that's the case.

This. And as PP said the seven year old is not even your DS's problem. Her parents need to sort out proper child care for her instead of trying to palm her off onto near strangers.

I feel sorry for the step child here. Why can't her mum have her for half term instead?

If all three stay home, the sister can ask the teens to look after the 7 yo for extra cash while she and the partner get on with their important jobs.

It's rich for the sister to guilt trip OP when the 7 yo has been low down the list of considerations for her actual parents and step parent. Her own mother has gone on holiday without her! So OP shouldn't feel guilty for doing the same.

"Sorry, there's no way we're taking a 7yo on holiday. Unless you're telling me she doesn't need supervision around the pool, can get her own food and can be left alone while we go out to amuse herself, then clearly we have different ideas of 'easy'."

The 7yo can be looked after by her step sisters at home easily.

But if she comes with you then you and your parents become the people responsible as the adults.

Yes it’s a shame that the older 2 miss out on seeing their grandparents but if you don’t want responsibility for an unrelated 7yo then that’s your choice.

My experience of holidaying in big family groups is a 7yo around lots of teens and adults actually doesn’t add any challenge. We are such a big family I forget which kids are my cousins step kids and who is 50/50, full time or EOW. If you’re there you’re invited!

My husband’s brother, has 3 children. 1 stepdaughter and 2 biological sons.

She is my niece as much as the boys are my nephews and just as much as my sisters children. So I just don’t get it. I love her just as much (she is probably my favourite as we have more things in common 😂)

Edited to add:
My BIL died when the kids were little. I think my niece was 4ish (now 21) and it made no difference to our relationship with her.

Just take your own children. That's easier and fairer,

Agree with all of the above.
Plus what about things like bedtimes? Activities that interest her teenage cousins and siblings won't nec be appropriate for her.
Even the easiest of 7 yr olds have to be supervised in a way that the other kids don't.
I would say to your sister that you want ro relax and enjoy a break, which you simply can't do with a young child to look after.

cont…..

As I see it (with limited information about the family, of course)….

OP has to have her break. And her own family need a break without the extra stress of other children to look after.

The 7 year old is in a bit of a weird situation - gets left at home whilst siblings go on holiday. Or goes on holiday with a load of people she doesn’t know. Thus, all 3 children stay at home with mum and go on a holiday to see grandparents another time.

Absolutely this. And whilst I agree that the biology doesn't matter it is relevant here because the younger child does have another parent. If the father can't change his own trip then why not ask the girl's mum to keep her that week.

As I see it (with limited information about the family, of course)….

OP had to have

A 7 year old is just finishing infant school and only just starting at junior school in the UK. They definitely aren’t self sufficient. Aged 7 is the age that kids start school in other European countries. I have a 7 and 10 year old and the 7 year old needs a LOT of attention.

I also think it is an age thing. The teens will have such a great time together and the seven year old will be bored and lonely. Why can't your sister see that they are being selfish?
I would also be very firm. "We have no problems taking the teens as then we are just doing what we'd be doing anyway. I'm not taking a seven year old with me on my relaxing week away. Take it or leave it.". Already a generous offer.

I have a blended family. And whilst I will absolutely treat all the children the same, I don’t expect extended family members to do the same. Because it’s not the same.
So I would not be going on holiday and excluding one child whether it’s my step child or not. However if my brother/sisters wanted to take just my bio children away, I would not expect her to take my step kids too. It would never be a suggestion. Just like I wouldn’t expect the family of my partners ex to take my children away. That would be crazy to me!
My step children spend a week with their maternal grandparents each summer. My children have never been invited. Why would they?! Your sister needs to get a grip. Her SD is not adopted. She has a whole other side of the family. It is really sad that it seems that everyone is trying to palm her off but that doesn’t mean the burden is on you. Shame on your sister and the girls parents for making her seem like an inconvenience.

A 7 year old is not easy to manage compared to teenagers. You can walk out of the house and leave a teenager, they can make tea etc etc, bring themselves places, feed themselves. You can’t do that with a 7 year old.
The grandparents would probably be happy enough to have a chill time with their teenager grandkids without adding a 7 year old into the mix.

It’s daft and the sister is being pushy. I’d someone asks you to do them a big favour and you say no, that’s the answer.

Look at it this way…….you take the child with you and she becomes seriously ill or has an accident, she needs emergency treatment and consent forms need signing BUT you are NOT her next of kin!
This poor kid is being shoved from one adult to another and sadly is little more than an inconvenience to them all!
This is her bio father and bio mother’s responsibility and they need to sort childcare for her between them, not palm her off on random blended relatives to suit their own plans!
You need to have the conversation with your sister and explain that her DH and his ex need to sort this out themselves.

Not the same situation, but FWIW: I'm the youngest of five children, same father and mother, spread over 15 years. We grew up mainly abroad and got sent "home" to our grandparents (at their explicit invitation) during the summers starting when we were 12. Younger than that, we stayed home and visited only when our parents could take us and stay with us, because it was unfair to ask my grandparents to be responsible for young children for such a long period of time, and unreasonable to expect the older children to take over what was the parents' responsibility looking after the younger children. There was no "step" issue here and no one - not even me, the youngest by six years! - thought to argue that we weren't being "treated equally". It was just practicality, fairness, and common sense.

In your place, I'd be happy to take the teens. The main formal responsibility there would be serving as an adult during the journey, since regulations for unaccompanied minors flying are much stricter now. The 7yo, no way - the only possibility would be if they sent a carer, like an au pair, along with her or hired someone locally to do that. Unpleasant as it is I'd have to be firm on this. If your sister and BIL are really going to insist on "equal treatment" then it should be fully clear to everyone including your nieces and your parents that it is the parents who are arbitrarily preventing the older girls from going.

My sister has children with this age gap, two older ones then a younger son. My children, their cousins all fall in to the older category. He definitely gets treated differently from the others and does not get to do all the things the older ones do, because he’s younger. Sometimes it’s to his advantage but mostly it isn’t but that is just the way it is. He isn’t the same age as his siblings and cousins, he can’t go on holiday with us or to concerts because he’s too young. We can’t all stop doing things with the other kids just so he doesn’t miss out or they won’t get to do age appropriate activities.

This. And make the conversations about your own needs. We need a holiday, we’re happy to HELP YOU out by bringing two teenagers but not a child. So you can decide and end the conversation!

The whole thing is a mess, I’d never let my 7 year old go away with people I’ve met twice. How could her mother possible justify that if something happened?

I would not be taking the 7 year old no matter how lovely / easy she is. She hasn’t ever stayed with you before, it’s a whole week.

And I’m not sure how easy it is to take a small child who is not related to you out of the country. Which is a good thing!!

I do feel for her though, your sister is just trying to dump her on you which is the easiest thing for your sister but definitely not the best thing for the 7 year old.

I’ve taken 7 year olds on school residentials before now for 1 night and I’ve taken 10/11 year olds away for 3 nights. Whilst I appreciate residentials are different, it’s still small children away from home. You don’t know how they are going to be. I’ve had “easy” children who have had terrible homesickness / hated every minute and children who I expected to struggle have no issues at all. You really can’t tell how they will be.

If the 7 year old is homesick / poorly etc. you are not that well known to her AND far away from home. It’s not like your sister can just pop over and pick her up.

The seven year old deserves a dedicated caregiver when on holiday. I completely understand why you don’t want to be that person for a week. I wouldn’t either. Say no. It’s an age thing.