AIBU to change schools over my husband helping a neighbour?

People are being very harsh to the OP, probably because they’ve not read all her posts.

The ‘care-package’ is so weird! But the main issue is that this woman blanks the OP yet fawns over the husband - that is not on, and is totally breaking both the ‘girl-code’ and all social conventions.

So in the light of all that, and generally, it is probably a good thing that the OP now has her kids at a school where she can be more involved due to its location (near her work) and its wraparound care meaning she can do some school runs.

Obviously the neighbour is still a neighbour and needs to be dealt with. OP, if your husband is a decent man, then he must understand that the way this woman treats you and him so differently shows that she is not a nice person.

Utterly ridiculous and selfish to change your child's school because you don't like your DH talking to other parents. What on earth do you think it'll achieve, other than to unecessarily disrupt your child's education and friendship groups?
If your DH is fucking around then it's hardly going to stop him, is it?
Give your head a wobble OP!

I don't agree with all the anger and hate you are getting, although, I also I don't agree with moving your children school as the upheaval might be really damaging for them.

However, if you are struggling with perimenopause and this woman has been keeping a 'care package' in your/your husband's car for the short journey to school, I think that's a massive overstep and really weird thing to do, so I can see why this has made you feel paranoid. Perimenopause/ menopause can definitely heighten those feelings.

The key issue here is that your husband has ignored your feelings on this matter. He continued giving lifts and allowed her to keep this 'care package' in your car. You and your partner should be a team. Whilst I don't agree anyone can tell their partner who they can/can't be friends with, I can see why your feelings are hurt. Why is he allowing it?

If nothing else, he could have cut lifts and not let her leave the care package. Your husband, for whatever reason, hasn't tried to respect your feelings and has enabled the woman to cross boundaries. That's the key issue which I do understand why it would make you feel like this.

I think you perhaps need to evaluate what you need from your husband and whether he will engage with you about the issues.

If you genuinely believe this school will be better for your children, then that's one thing but please consider that it could be very upsetting for them and it's not dealing with the actual problem.

My husband used to get fawned over at the school gate for various reasons, there was one woman he helped once with her bike puncture and she would ignore me completely and, in front of me, flirt with him, try to touch his arm, ask him out for coffee etc. He was oblivious and thought she was just being friendly, even when our friends mentioned it. It grated on me but she hadn't done anything 'wrong' so I stood there seething. I did tell him how it made me feel but he thought I was being a bit silly. One day as we were collecting DD from school, she caught sight of him and physically elbowed me out of the way to get to him as I was trying to deal with DD. He saw her behaviour then and why I was upset, it was so bonkers, I still re-live it in my mind sometimes. He was really firm and shut her down from then on and apologised to me profusely. Do you think your husband is the same? Potentially not seeing the issues you are as he sees her as harmless?

Either way, until you deal with the actual problem you're just kicking the can down the road for another time. Changing schools won't help that.

What a misogynistic comment and from what you’ve said there is no inserting into anyone’s marriage,

You've changed your child's school because you don't like your husband interacting with a neighbour/ neighbour's children and you'd rather the hassle and upset of changing schools than talking to your husband. This defies logic and sense.

I don't think OP is still reading, but I think I remember her thread from a few months back.
The neighbour was massively over-stepping the boundaries in expecting a lift every day, and being very over friendly with the Dh and standoffish to the OP. Saying things like "I'll speak to your DH" when she wasn't happy with what the OP had told her.
iirc she had also recently split with her own Dh and was struggling a bit as a single mum.
If this is the same OP, she is not necessarily over-reacting. This woman was a red flag trying to insert herself into OP's marriage via this school run.
Many women here know (to their cost) how some women operate - they do go after other women's DHs - flattering to the DH, cosy chats, subtly undermining the wife, applying lip balm in the car etc etc.
Whether it will solve the problem, I don't know - if the DH wants an affair he will find a way. But it has stopped the daily contact dead.

Absolutely. The drip feed about the “care pack” suggests there may be some validity to OP’s intuition about this woman.

But changing schools is not going to address this problem.

He probably enjoys the ego stroke of the woman marking her territory in his car and fawning all over him.

You sound abusive

The update on the care bag in his car is overstepping. I still don’t think moving schools and disrupting your children is the right way and he could in theory go out with her regardless of a school run.
your DH needs to understand where you are coming from and act like an adult not have children’s lives disrupted because he won’t say no to a woman whose behaving weirdly

I don't think OP would have moved her kids to a worse school - she's moved them to somewhere which has advantages over the current school and if things do go pear shaped with the husband, enables her to do the school run and have wraparound care. That's not bonkers.
OP has said that her Dh has loads of friends and hobbies that she takes no issue with and that it is only this one woman who is a problem. I'm not seeing why the h wouldn't respect her views on that and I'm thinking he enjoys lapping up all this woman's attention. But it's coming at the expense of loyalty to his wife.

Women are told to listen to their intuition and this neighbour is displaying odd behaviour - I reckon practically every wife on this thread would take issue with another woman gazing adoringly at their dh and leaving their stuff in his car.

Fair enough... and we always say on here to women trust your instincts, and to be dismissed by her like this is rude and yeah, not good.

It probably is a husband problem though. Any woman could throw themselves at your husband but it's down to trust. If you trust him or not, rather than the other woman.

It's absolutely not normal to put 'care packages' in someone else's car. She's like a dog, pissing up your garden fence to mark her territory. Get her fucking make up and shit out of the car and lob it into her front garden - cheeky mare!

You need to do something about your husband though. Why is he allowing her to fawn all over him ? Where is his loyalty? He is your main problem here OP. I think you are right to take steps to move her out of your day to day lives but at the same time you need to deal with why your h hadn't had your back.

I think the "nuts" opinions are about her willingness to fuck around with her children's lives based on an imagined attachment that can go on just as well without the school drop-offs.

Could you just not have asked him to stop the lifts if they were that problematic to you.

She did tell him to stop he didn't. Probably because he already knows how absolutely batshit his wife is. He probably wants a tiny bit of autonomy over his own life.

I’m going to go against the flow here, based on experience, and say trust your instinct about this neighbour and don’t let others tell you that you are nuts. She may or may not succeed in wrecking your marriage but you have made a step towards future-proofing the school arrangements at least. And tell her to f**k off at the next available opportunity.

Now that’s strange.

She did. But he didn’t stop…

she had a husband problem. That’s the thing. It’s not the neighbour. It’s the boundary with the husband

I am baffled by how many people think that asking him not to talk to her was a reasonable ask in the first place. It would be so weird and awkward to suddenly not talk to someone that you see every day and used to regularly chat to and share lifts with.

Earlier this year I went to a sporting event abroad and we ended up sat next to another British couple. The guy was in the seat next to me and made some chit chat about the sport, “did you come far”, “have you been before”, “who are you supporting” sort of thing. His girlfriend then had a weird whispered argument with him about talking to a stranger instead of her and sulked for the rest of the event. It was really odd behaviour.

Clearly some people think this level of control is normal behaviour. There was someone earlier saying that you should pick men who don’t talk to women at all. Wtf?!

It’s not odd

she was probably not realised she’d have to mar her own way to school. Maybe she was betting in that.

you say you didn’t change schools for that but you literally said that in your op! Then changed your mind when everyone tore you down.

you have a husband problem. Not an neighbour problem

To clarify: she keeps her own toiletry bag with lip balm, etc in your DH’s car? For a short school run?

This is the weirdest and most dramatic reaction ever. Dragging your poor children from their school and moving them away from friends to prevent your husband speaking to another woman. Could you just not have asked him to stop the lifts if they were that problematic to you. Your poor kids.

Reading all the updates I don’t think YABU to not trust the neighbour and even the school
move being a better a school closer to your work etc however I do think this is a DH issue.

Why didn’t he stop communicating with her when you told him you felt uncomfortable with it? Why did he allow her to put her ‘care package’ in his car?

I don’t think I’ve ever read anything as crazy on here and there has been some crazy shit. I think if a neighbour has children at the same school as your own children, it would be hard to AVOID them on the school run. Of course he kept engaging with your neighbour after you told him (!) to stop. What was he supposed to do? Ignore her? That’s just weird. And I say this as someone who generally can’t be arsed with people for various reasons. I feel sorry for your children having to move schools because of your insecurities. You can big up the new school all you like but if it wasn’t for your husband being friendly with a mum on the school run, your children wouldn’t be moving. There was a dad who used to stand beside ‘my’ spot on the footpath when I was picking up my youngest and we would chat while we waited. We even walked back to the library together where our cars were parked. I wonder if his wife was suspicious?

You can listen to your gut and still behave in a rational way.