Father doesn’t want our son’s ashes split, I do

I don't think anyone here can tell you what to do. I can understand both yours and your ex's wishes. I wouldn't be comfortable with ashes being split. I'd also want them close to me. I'm really sorry for you loss and I hope you and your ex can come to some agreement.

For my own personal reasons I would never split anyone's ashes. I am so sorry for your loss

Thats a vile, disgusting thing to do

This is both of their son and no-one is right or wrong in what they want to do with his ashes, its a very personal thing.

Op, I think for now, you both need to take some time. Speak to the funeral director if you can, I'm sure they have come across this situation before and will be able to offer support and advice

The main thing is no-one rushes into or feels pressured into doing anything at the moment

This is such a difficult subject t. We scattered my husband's ashes off a mountain - he had gone, I didn't want to keep his ashes in a box. For some reason, I also wouldn't want to split ashes between people, though I have no idea why.
I am so sorry 😞

My husband died a little while ago and I will split his ashes and scatter them in places that are meaningful to us. I don't see a problem with it, although sometimes people prefer ashes to remain intact. I'm with a pp who said ashes are the essence of a person. In your particular circumstances I would split them. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Could you take a small portion of the ashes and have them made into a ring or something? And give the bulk to your ex?

But why? This situation isn’t about OP. Yes he was abusive to OP (not condoning that) but he stepped up for his son and helped him. He has as much right to his son’s ashes as OP.

Could you not compromise OP and bury his ashes intact somewhere you both have easy access to? 50 miles between you both isn’t really that far

I’m so sorry for your loss. Nobody should outlive their own child. It’s very early days for you to be trying to decide something so irreversible, so please just do what you need to do to get through this next few months and worry about the plan for your sons ashes later on when things have settled somewhat. Maybe you’ll both have a bit more clarity on how you feel about it once you’ve lived with his loss for a while. It’s too raw at the moment to expect yourselves to be able to compromise or think of a solution outside of the two options you already have.

Neither of you are wrong but I personally have the same view as his father.

I think I would find splitting ashes quite traumatic tbh.

Having a grave that anyone can visit and mourn sounds like the better option for me.

The grave site his father wants - is it a grave yard that has emotional ties or just a random one close to his father?

I’n wondering if you would both compromise by burying the full ashes but in a different grave yard that’s easier for you to visit.

Hi, any decision about anything will be hard right now.....can you delay the decision?
On a slightly different note, the loss of a child is like no other. Google Compassionate friends. It is an organisatuon that supports bereaved parents, regardless of the age of the child, or the cause of death?
My last point is about being kind to yourself. Do what you need to do to get through the day... one second, breathe, minute at a time...

I feel horrendous replying but We had this with my dads ashes
I refused can’t bare the thought of ashes being split

Im sorry for your loss
I dont thnk there is any right or wrong here
You are both greiving parents
I hope you will find a compromise thats acceptable to both of you.

I’m so sorry for your loss, and for the added pain of not being able to agree on what happens to the ashes.

Legally it’s the person who arranged the funeral and whose name is on the paperwork who can collect the ashes, and they can do what they want with them. I’m not clear if that’s you or your ex husband - if it’s him then I am sorry to say that there’s nothing you can do.

if it’s you then you can decide to split them and he’ll have to accept it. The suggestion above about having some made into jewellery is a good one, then your son will always be with you and in due course you can be buried or cremated with the jewellery. Then you could give him the rest, or some of the rest of the ashes.

It’s unlikely that you’d go to court over this but if you were to, the court would not order ashes to be split; they are regarded as one body and there is legal precedent for this. The Church of England also will not split ashes. I hope that’s some help, I am so sorry that the tragic loss of your son is being compounded by his behaviour.

What an awful thing to do. If he was abusive, that is horrific. However, he's still the son's father.

I have no practical advice but I'm so sorry for your terrible loss.

Neither of you is in the wrong. Personally I kept a small amount of my parents’ ashes to be put into keepsakes. We scattered the rest, and that itself means the ashes are not “whole”. Unless ex wants to bury them in a container or pile, the ashes will spread and some will be lost to the wind. But I can imagine your ex might be thinking that splitting them in half will be like having a literal half of the person. Things are still very fresh and there is a chance ex will change his mind. I am pro splitting as I think it’s fair, and I think of ashes as the “essence” of the person rather than their body, but that is just my opinion. I’m really sorry for your loss

You don't have to make a choice straight away.

My father died in January, the funeral was in February.

My dad said he wanted his ashes to be buried with my mother's and he didn't mind where, he said we could burry him in the back garden for all he cared.

We ended up burying the ashes, on August first, at a cemetery near where my parents lived. My parents were RC so we got the same priest who had done my father's funeral and it was a simple ceremony with a couple of prayers.

I'm atheist but it was what my dad had asked for.

I am so sorry.
How absolutely horrendous.
Yes you should divide them and put your half somewhere meaningful for you.
Be kind to yourself and don't hesitate to contact Women's aid for support and the police if he becomes aggressive.

We split my late parents ashes 4 ways - I, their sibling, & best friend all took some after the main scattering in a spiritual place. We all scattered our share in places that meant a lot to my parent. I actually find it comforting that my parent is forever linked to those places, and that other people who were important in their life were involved too.
Good luck with the decision, and my condolences for your loss.

That's such a hard situation. I have a very abusive ex and I know he would use a situation like this to try and cause more upset.

I have a strong gut reaction to the idea of splitting ashes and have no idea why as I'm not religious. I honestly don't even know what happened to my grandparents ashes, and that isn't an issue, but a child dying young is a whole differrnt thing.

I would consider asking a family lawyer what the options are. But who will get the ashes and who paid for the funeral - that might mean its out of your control.

This is difficult, because your ex could be doing this as a control thing or it could be that he genuinely can't bear the idea of his son's ashes being split, and none of us know which is the truth. Could you compromise and suggest the ashes are buried near you rather than near ex, so you can visit whenever you want to? If ex doesn't agree with that then you can keep pointing out that the alternative is to split them.

I am so sorry for your loss. YANBU. But neither is the DS’s father.
At least not on paper - I am very aware that he might be using this as an excuse to further control and or abuse you. But not wanting to split up a loved one’s ashes is understandable as well.

take your time. You do not have to decide now. It’s perfectly possible to have a funeral service without “doing” anything with the ashes… many people are not ready to let go at that point. So don’t let him or anyone else pressure you to make a decision now.

Sorry for your loss and this is just another hardship on top of that terrible time.

Personally I couldn’t split ashes but understand some people find it fine.

I’ve split my parents ashes and my DH’s. I took some to Spain with me where we have loads of memories. My sister wants to take the remaining ashes of my mother to Ireland, where she was born and raised. I was only annoyed with my mother when she scattered my father’s ashes in a private park as now the friends who occupied the house (allowing access) have also passed away so we can’t visit it, so I’m glad I took some to Spain.
Maybe give it some time and revisit it when things aren’t so emotive.

We split my ds ashes 4 ways. Only seemed fair to us.