Father doesn’t want our son’s ashes split, I do

Perhaps you missed my earlier post. I too don't think it's reasonable to split ashes, but I also don't think it's reasonable - when the parents have nothing to do with each other, indeed have only come together over the funeral - for one parent to have everything and the other have none, whichever parent that is. It's not a question of top trumps or worthiness, they were both the child's parent. It's about two parents having entirely separate (from each other, as parents) relationships with their deceased son and no ongoing relationship with each other. They were able to maintain this in life because they both had a piece of him (so to speak) - they both had periods of time with him in their life. The same is going to have to be in death, otherwise it's like a double death for one parent. That's more unreasonable than splitting ashes imo, even though the idea makes me (personally) balk.

I think it's next of kin. Who would that be? What's on his medical records perhaps.

My nieces divided my late brother's ashes which was odd to me. However they had rings made. Would that be an option?

Could you agree to a delay. Say you bring son home for a year or two then you let his father bury them. Or you agree you keep them for now but when the time comes he is buried with his dad. Obviously there needs to be trust for this to work.

It is raw now but time will pass, it will never stop hurting but it will change.

I'm sorry for you loss and hope you can resolve this

Well that isnt unreasonable. It isnt top trumps about 'the best parent', both are grieving in what must be presumed to be a horrific and tragic situation that neither were expecting. He clearly cared deeply about his son and tried to do the best for him at what seemed to have been difficult times. Same as OP did when he was in her care. Neither is right or wrong, its inappropriate to consider his request as unreasonable and hers as resonable. Many, including myself, would not consider it reasonable to split ashes. Thats just as unprincipled or principled as wanting them in one piece becaause you want to be buried with your son. Why wouldnt you and why is that not considered 'a principle'?

Making out one parent is more worthy than another in such a horrible situation is a dreadful thing to do. Hopefully they can come to some sort of compromise.

It's a really really hard one. But I do think they should be split. Your ex doesn't get to dictate what happens to his remains. Especially that he wants to be buried with your son. So you can't visit your son without also visiting your abusive ex. That's incredibly unfair.

He can bury half and be buried with them and you can do what you want with your half.

I can imagine my abusive ex doing exactly the same thing. Essentially he's saying he wants all the sons ashes entirely to himself. Which just isn't reasonable.

I don’t think it’s reasonable at all, when you’re divorced from the boy’s mother and weren’t even in his life for long periods of time. The information in the last para are from OP’s post: he wants the ashes buried in their entirety where he will be buried. Not in furtherance of the principle of not splitting ashes, and he wants them all for himself in his death, meaning OP can’t have them now or ever.

Where did you get the information for your last paragraph from?

He wants the ashes whole so they can be buried where he is likely to be buried himself, a perfectly reasonable intent.

What a vile and horrific thing to suggest. This is a grieving father no matter what he did to someone else.

What a dreadful situation for both of you. I can completely understand not wanting to split the ashes. Ive not thought about this before but reading your thread makes me feel visceral about splitting the ashes, I couldnt do it, it feels really wrong. But there isnt actually a right or wrong as Ive realised what do you do when you have 4 children and 1 parents ashes to divide if you're not burying them.

I hope the both of you find a way forward.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
From a church perspective (and I don't know if it is true for secular churchyards, but assume it would be) we can only bury whole sets of ashes. We have to take the original white cremation form when ashes are buried for the legal records. Therefore they can't be buried in more than one churchyard.

Deepest sympathies op - I'm so sorry about your lovely son.

A compromise could be keeping the ashes together, but burying them close to you? Then you can visit, but ex will get to keep them intact.

splitting makes sense

I actually split my dh into 5

crem
scattered at sea
scattered under his uncles tree
blown up in fireworks on his birthday
at home in a little urn

my mum is in 3

myself
brother
My dad /husband

I’m not sure being (Irish) Catholic is as definitively anti-scatter and anti-split as you think these days. When we were burying an Irish relative over a decade ago it was decided in the wider family to split the ashes into three to reflect different aspects of his life: one third was interred in the family grave and two thirds scattered in places that meant a lot to him. The Irish undertaker gave us specific instructions on how to scatter properly.

I’m so sorry for your loss, OP - this is a question no parent should ever have to face.

That’s a terrible suggestion!

I would want remains to stay intact and be either scattered or buried. You and ex could choose a mutually convenient place.

None of this will make any difference to your son who is now at peace, it's all about you and your ex. It seems wrong to be at loggerheads over something like this; whatever your differences, you both loved your son.

Sorry for your loss.

I can’t bear the thought of ashes being spilt, it’s too much like sawing a body in half. However, in this case where your ex has said he wants them whole so that he can be buried, while presumably, next to his son - he’s trying to claim your son 100% for yourself. I’m guessing you don’t want to be buried next to your ex.

You had split custody in life, I think you have to have split custody in death. What a shame.

Given your ex’s reasons for not splitting the ashes aren’t on principle but rather so that he denies you any/has them all for himself, you need to stand firm in saying no.

I'm also Irish Catholic and didn't know ashes couldn't be split, our portion of a beloved relative's ashes have accompanied us through many house moves.

In this situation there is no acceptable compromise that I can see so if one parent feels so strongly that they shouldn't be split, then they should be kept by the other one, the father can't say they can't be split AND that he is having all the ashes. So sorry for your loss OP.

He might be an a-hole but that’s still his kid, who he loves.

I am so sorry for your loss. I agree splitting the ashes is the best thing. Sorry that your ex was abusive, he still (unfortunately) has a right to the ashes. Please take care of yourself at this time and reach out for support and help. XXX

I wouldn’t be bending over backwards to compromise with someone who is abusive towards me. If you are the one getting the ashes back, do with them as you wish.

This is probably just another way to control you.

Im very sorry for your loss OP.

A very difficult decision and I can see both sides. However, neither of you has more right to the ashes than the other, so splitting them 50/50 makes more sense to me.

I would ask though who is the lead client on the funeral arrangements? Even if you went together to arrange it, one person has to be the main client to sign things off. That is the person who the ashes will be returned to, so bear that in mind OP (I used to work as a funeral arranger).

I am so very sorry for your loss OP and that the situation with your DS father is making a difficult time even more difficult.

I don't have anything useful to add, but I hope you are able to reach a resolution.

You and your son are in my thoughts.

I’m sorry for your loss.

You don’t need to rush a decision. Usually the funeral director will hold the ashes for you whilst you decide. While it is probably not what you want for your son, we left my Mum’s ashes with them for a year until we decided what to do.

It might give you a middle ground until you can reach a compromise without fear that your ex will do something with them behind your back.

I wouldn't want my childs ashes split half and half like that either. I'd keep a tiny amount to make into a keepsake but I'd bury the rest.

I think this is a wisdom of Solomon situation and the way forward is to keep your sons remains intact as per his father's wishes, but in a location of your choosing. If his father is deeply troubled by not keeping him intact, he should prefer this. Is there a meaningful place close to your home, but not actually in your home you could him him and his father could visit?