Father doesn’t want our son’s ashes split, I do

I’m surprised so many find splitting ashes so hard

to me make total sense - twice

It's very early days for big decisions of any kind. Do whatever you have to do to make sure the ashes are kept intact for now, and then wait a while. There's no rush. You may well find that another idea comes to you out of nowhere or that your priorities change.

Hello op.
I'm not sure if you are religious or not but I would read the story of Solomon and the baby.
It's from the book of Kings. Old testament.

I've even used the story to solve a HR fight.
Just a thought. It might bring you some peace it this difficult time.
My condolences.

I kind of feel splitting ashes should be an all yes or no situation. Much let pets or another child everyone says yes or the no wins.

Providing the non split ashes are buried somewhere where both parties can visit freely.

To me splitting the ashes would be much like someone else said that my child had been split in half. Half a body.

Is there a grave site that has an emotional connection?

I would say out of respect for your son you’d want a separate burial plot but if the graveyard with the emotional connection was closer to his dad, then I would be happy to travel.

There definitely needs to be a compromise.

I assume you have no wishes to be buried with him?

OP, do not follow this advice! Giving someone fake ashes and telling them they're the remains of their loved one is horrific. Bereaved family members were recently talking about how traumatic it was during coverage of the Legacy funeral home scandal.

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. Is there any way you could agree to scatter your son's ashes at a neutral place? I know that's not the first choice of either of you, but unfortunately this is a difficult thing to compromise on.

The person organising and paying for the funeral gets the ashes, FD won't hand them over to just anyone.

Presuming that's you, collect the ashes and store them somewhere safe until you and his Dad agree on something mutually acceptable.

Edit - sorry just seen he is organising the funeral. You might not be able to resolve this OP....

Im so sorry for you loss op. I think if you've not had first hand experience/exposure to abusive relationships than you may not get it, you cant reason with these people. Given his history its highly likely that taking over and wanting the ashes is a continuation of the abuse of you.
How controling is he being about the funeral arrangements and the wake? Will he allow you to speak to the celebrant prior to the funeral?
Are there things you can do to celebrate your sons life without your ex?
Fyi my mums ashes were given to me as the person that paid by the crematorium in a sealed cardboard tube.

My mother was cremated. She had four children. Our youngest (estranged) sister wanted a quarter of the ashes. My brother arranged sending them to her. The remaining three arranged the burial of the remaining ashes in Sissinghurst Castle Gardens, with the help of the National Trust, who were super. I had no problem with the ashes being split.

I’m sorry for your loss.

IMO dividing and each one decides what they’d prefer to do is what would make sense here.

Jesus, colour me wrong, how awful.

Him paying does not give him control of your son's ashes. He hasn't BOUGHT your son's remains. He has no more rights than you.

Sorry for your loss. I wouldn’t want the ashes to be split either. Sorry.

It seems that the ashes are released to the person who makes the funeral arrangements.

A crematorium must hand the ashes to the person who delivered the body for cremation, normally the person who arranged the funeral

Courts will not divide ashes if a close family member objects

https://www.urnsforangels.com/blogs/inspiration/who-has-the-rights-to-ashes-after-cremation

@SecurityLight
My deepest condolences for your loss
In this truly trying time
But reading your message i see it as one last attempt by your ex to disrupt
And even your DS knew how rotten he really was so
Why would he want to be buried next to him?
So that even in death he deliberately makes it difficult for you to be near/with your son
As you'd like to be if he's lying there too?
Keep the ashes intact in your posession
And carefully think things through till after the shock is less raw
Also
Could you speak to a solicitor about this as
I still maintain that he's coming from a angle of spite

I know that it's highly illogical, but I would be hugely uncomfortable about splitting a loved one's ashes.

But now that I've read that he's insisted on paying for the funeral, I'm concerned that he's taken all the control from you.

It's a horrible situation, and in these early days making decisions like this is really hard. My DH's ashes are still in my wardrobe, because in the early days my daughters and I struggled with it different preferences, and I felt that it wasn't the right time to make the decision.

Maybe if he takes control of the collection of the ashes, you could ask for more time until you're both in a better place?

I would suggest you speak to the funeral director ASAP, as, if he arranged and paid for the funeral, he will be the person able to collect your son’s ashes. They have probably seen this issue arise before.

And I’m so sorry for the loss of your boy 💐.

I don't think I'd like the idea of sharing him out either, but it's been too weeks, you don't need to do anything yet.

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with the death of your beloved son. The death of a child is the most difficult thing in the world to deal with. In your situation I'd not do anything immediately. Keep his ashes in a box with you and possibly agree to burying them in a garden of remembrance. You can have a little stone with your son's name, date of birth and death. You and your exh couyboth go to visit your son's resting place that way. His siblings might want to go too. When your exh passes he could leave instructions his ashes are buried there too or in a nearby spot.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
I've never revisited a grave or kept ashes, I keep a photo and an item that belonged to the person. For me they are just as much in my home as they are anywhere else. While I hope you get your wish, if not it doesn't mean he is any less yours 💐

You don’t need to decide now one way or the other. Whoever filled out the paperwork with the funeral director would initially be asked what they’d like to do. If that’s not you, then speak to the funeral director and ask that they keep your son’s ashes whilst a decision is being made.

Ultimately, if you can’t decide then it should be taken to the High Court for a resolution. They will be sympathetic.

I’m sorry for your loss, it must be heartbreaking.

I’m so sorry for your loss, and for this added upset.

if I were you, I’d speak with the funeral director. Although you aren’t paying, any decent funeral director would listen to you and may have some suggestions about how to come to an agreement with your ex. At the very least, it might buy you some time if the FD knows that the two NOK aren’t in agreement.

I hope you work out a compromise you are both at peace with.

I feel the same and I can’t give a logical reason, only an emotional one. My dad’s ashes were divided up but when it comes to your child, I just don’t know, it would be very, very hard. But I completely understand OP’s need to have some herself.

A very difficult situation OP and I don’t have an answer that can help. 💐

@SecurityLight If he refuses and it all gets too much could you at least have a small amount of ashes to put into a piece of specialised memento jewellery you could wear on you to keep him close?