Father doesn’t want our son’s ashes split, I do

It's difficult though, it's his darling boys ashes as well so surely he's entitled to his feelings. It's a hard thing to compromise on. I still think taking time before final decisions are made is the best thing, in a year or two both parents might feel more able to compromise.

I've had to produce the certificate from the crem to scatter ashes at local church this week. When I asked undertakers about the certificate it seemed like this was normal.

Guess the crem knew he was cremated there and obv I paid for dh plot and plaque

but yes wasn’t asked to show anything when scattered over his uncles tree which we donated and planted year before at a country park

they knew we were doing it so def not on the sly

this was 15yrs ago so maybe things has tightened up since then ?

If you scattered them at sea you wouldn't need any documentation, but if you're legally interring or scattering them at a cemetery (not doing it on the sly) then they most certainly should be asking to see the cremation certificate before it happens (ex funeral arranger here). I'm shocked if they didn't.

I wasn’t asked to show ownership of dh Ashes before I scattered /buried them at the crem or under a tree or at sea @MerelyPlaying

I’m sorry to say it but I am not aware of any legal preceded that says they are held ‘on trust’. The person who has the legal right to the ashes can collect them and dispose of them - a burial park, churchyard or cemetery will ask for the Certificate of Cremation to show ‘ownership’ of the ashes but won’t ask ‘is everyone in agreement’ before allowing them to be interred.

A High Court action would cost thousands, and OP has said that she doesn’t want to go down that route anyway.

I wonder if you could consider a bench, as suggested above, or some sort of memorial that you could visit; I know it won’t be where your son is but it would give you a focus to go and talk to him, think about him and remember him. If you have a ‘green’ or natural burial park near you this might be something they could help with.

It’s not him - he’s gone, I know that, I’ve seen him - but what remains of his body has meaning to us both

What you said here in your very first post really touched me op. I'm so sorry for your loss.

You're right that it's not him, but you can know that and still have emotional feelings about his final remains.

You sound so measured and calm and considerate of both viewpoints. I'm sorry your ex can't be the same. I really hope you can find a compromise solution and that you can have part of him at least at home with you. It sounds like coming home was important to him and you were both trying to make that happen.

I'll be thinking of you and your family.

I think he is going to dictate what is done with your darling boys' ashes. I'm so so sorry. Maybe have a word with the crematorium or Funeral Director? Don't let him dictate to you, its not fair

So sorry for your loss.

Have you looked at the idea of a memorial bench or similar, somewhere meaningful to your son and close to your home? For all they signify, the ashes aren't really "him" anymore. Where he is, is in your memories. You can try to create a space for that without needing to have this fight with your ex.

We said no to splitting my dad's ashes when his sister asked for half, her reasoning was that we weren't 'proper' family.

She went to the funeral directors and told them we'd given her permission to take the ashes, luckily they rang us to check. Not the last thing in a long line of shite she did after he died, mad cow

Never mind.

Not all Catholics are Irish. Not everyone in Ireland is a Catholic.

I don’t think this is generally the case with Catholics, though, regardless of the doctrinal position. Cremation is a comparatively new norm in Ireland, but growing rapidly, even though there are only 7 crematoria in the whole country, and four of them are in Dublin. My parents, uncles and aunts, and their circles (in their 70s and 80s) are extremely devout Catholics, daily mass goers etc, and are all planning to be cremated, and several are planning to split their ashes (but between different family graves, not scattering).

I do think this often comes from religion. I mean catholic doctrine prefers burial but if cremated the ashes should be kept together and buried (never scattered). Not saying anyone involved is catholic but people absorb bits of doctrine from people around them.

@SecurityLight I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this on top of your grief.

Hopefully, you’ll both come to a mutual agreement. As you’ve been told, your ex will be holding the ashes on ‘trust’ and has an obligation to seeks family wishes. If mediation doesn’t work and you don’t agree then High Court is an option and an injunction would stop your son’s ashes being buried without your consent.

I really hope it doesn’t come to that.

i am so sorry for your loss 😞

And that'd their choice. No need to 'fuck the teachings of the church'. I was replying that it is against Catholic teaching and I didnt know myself until it affecfed my family. I was one of those catholics keeping the urn in my house. I didnt know and because my paremts were practicing catholics unlike myself I buried their cremains as thats what they would hqve wanted if they knew the church teaching. I would have preffered to keep them.

I agree. And good on you for pushing back on this!

In an ideal world you and the father would amicably find a solution that works for both of you. Dividing the ashes, a specific grave, scattering the ashes. but you have time. You could decide tomorrow, in a month, a year… but this is not the world we live in.
So take the time you need. Not the time other people want you to need…

I am very sorry for your loss.
Don‘t let anyone pressure you into something you are not 100% comfortable with.

edit: who will receive his ashes?

I am sorry for your loss. I suggest they stay intact at yours for a few months whilst you make a decision between you.
Perhaps you could look at a natural burial ground so they are buried not scattered and you would have somewhere beautiful to visit with the option of either of you being buried there in the future.

I think this is a genuinely lovely compromise. I'm very sorry for your loss.

This ☝️

We did this.
We took a hand full of ashes and sent it to a company called "Ashes into Glass" and had jewellery made for my MIL and DH when her son (DH's brother) died. 😔
Then a few years later a beautiful small glass orb paperweight made of my mum as a keepsake.
Worth the money and it helped my DH.

Also any ashes sent over that they didn't use, were returned to us, that we could then use to scatter.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP 🫂
@SecurityLight

I'm sorry @SecurityLight if I offended and upset you. I didn't mean to.

Fwiw we had a similar situation with my brother's ashes.
I wish you peace.