AIBU to feel lonely and forgotten as the last friend with young children?

I was the first to have friends and I remember feeling lonely but really my friends didn’t get it and were too busy enjoying themselves. There was a point where we all had young kids and it was great but then I was also the last to have a baby (several years after ) and I found it was even harder as everyone was back at work full time busy with careers / family.

It’s what happens with different life stages.

People with small children always need friendships to work around their lives, so are better being friends with people at the same life stage as them.

In my 20s and 30s i calmly walked away from any friends who got pregnant - it was so much easier on both sides than trying to juggle different priorities.

Hi OP,

Ive seen this happen a lot across friendship groups & families. So, before one friend (or sister/cousin) has children, she gives a lot of time to her friends with children. She then has children when their’s are teens, and gets nothing back. Zero - no advice, no babysitting, no quality time.

And I understand the friends with teens are still busy - but theyre out of the trenches. They just seem to totally forget about “the last mum”. I don’t really understand it. Everyone talks about “the village” but parents need to be active members of the village too - it cant just be comprised of childless women and grandparents.

So, i guess my point is, OP, that this isnt personal. It’s a widespread phenomenon. It is something that seems to be entrenched in societal norms as opposed to being any indication of how your friends feel about you.

I could have written this. I’m definitely the one with the youngest kids in my group and several of my friends have moved away or emigrated so have new groups of friends and I’m left here with only a few people I’d class as more acquaintances than friends. I try to keep in touch but it’s often one word answers and a meet up every 5/6 months. I’m lonely but also overwhelmed working full time and having two (soon to be 3) kids. My eldest starts school this year and I’m hoping to make some new local mum friends then, especially as I’ll be on mat leave. It’s really hard to make friends as adults.

I had my children young so I'm in the teen & pre teen stage, many of friends are just having babies now. I must admit I don't have the patience I once had we're at totally different stages and my kids don't want to be entertaining young kids. Find some new friends.

You probably need to find some friends through a hobby or something that has nothing to do with children. Having had 4 kids I made lots of friends and had plenty of social get togethers. The few that have lasted are those friendships where we had something in common outside of having kids in the same class.

Tbh now my kids are young adults and I’m working full time, I find it really difficult to have any time to myself so spending my day off with my friends who’ve carried on having kids or who have young children isn’t what I want do
.
Thst said, they don’t want to do evenings out or whatever because of bedtimes and routines so we are probably just out of step. It’s just different life phases and sadly people do outgrow each other

Do you think them not reciprocating what you did is reflective of a wider theme in your friendship or just a one off?

I would raise it with them if they're good friends, otherwise you're going to feel resentful.

I'm one of the last in my group to have small kids and rarely see friends as everyone's busy (best friend I see 2-3 times a year) so I can relate to the loneliness (not yet having the same rapport with newer friends) but I must as admit my friends have been thoughtful about gifts etc.

Friendships often have to take a back seat temporarily when kids come along. Even if the kids are all the same age, they might not get on, so meet-ups are limited.

And people have busy lives. When your friends had young kids, you were childless and had time to spend with them. Now you’ve got young kids, your friends aren’t suddenly childless. They’ve got older kids, and trust me, teens can be just as time consuming and exhausting as toddlers!

Some of my friends had kids before me, some after, and some not at all. What I did was keep the friendships ticking over, on a reduced frequency, but still there. Then as the kids get older, you can pick the friendships up again.

And you’ll definitely make new friends when your 4 year old starts school. I assume you’ve either deferred his entry, or you’re not in England, because most 4 year olds in England will be starting in a couple of weeks.

I’ve been quite surprised at finding common ground with mums of kids in my youngest’s year group.

More are actually, strangely, my actual age (older parents) than my eldest. The rest are only just turning 40 but seem to be more similar to me and up for a laugh than parents I met via my eldest son.

I made lots of life long friends in my late 20s via a hobby. My own mother did in her 60s via dog walking - a group of women just became mates via walking their dogs locally.

It’s hard to go through the transition phases. Stay true to your own identity and the things that bring you joy during this time and then when you move and your youngest is at school I’m sure you’ll find new people and new friends

I think the key is that when they had young kids, you were often available

But your friends aren't often available now, due to their own children. And teens often require more input than younger children, IMHO

I wouldn't worry too much

I think it’s hard when you have toddlers to imagine how much of your life is taken up with driving older kids and teens around to various activities etc. plus work expectations. I find having older kids far more exhausting than young ones. They probably haven’t forgotten you, just have absolutely no time.

it’s never too late to make new friends. Have a look for local groups for parents, what about a new activity eg yoga etc

Assume these are local friends? Your friends, or both your and DH’s?

If the former what’s stopping you joining their more ‘adult’ weekend things while DH parents the DC?

It seems like you gave a lot of your time to and did things for your friends when they had DC and you didn’t, this hasn’t been reciprocated.

I think that is different from them not reciprocating your contact and social invitations.

If you still enjoy their company and they reciprocate contact, organise things etc that could work. You say though that they don’t, so it could be worth conversations with a couple of ones you like best and trust about what might work better for you.

Wouldn’t stop trying to connect with at least some of the friends and make new ones, however fantastic your DH is.

This is pretty much what I was going to say.

You've always had more time, don't mentally punish them for something they didn't actively choose. They didn't choose you having kids later and only working 12 hours.

I think the issue is you have always been the one more free with time.
When they had their children you were the one without so were able to be flexible and meet up when they suggested anything or to offer help. It sounds like these are your only friends too, so while since having children they went on to make other friends you stuck to them.
Now they have new friends and are busy, you often see from posts about people being taxis for their kids taking them to various clubs etc. You are still the one with time on your hands which is why it is hard.
Also without being mean, sometimes it is just down to different life stages. They are likely to have forgotten what it's like with toddlers and find that stuff boring as they are out of those days. A meet up with you is harder work, as you have to monitor the kids constantly whereas with their teens you can socialise with friends while the kids do their own thing.

I think focusing on making new friends would help. When your eldest starts school join the PTA for example.

@SundayMay i have a 6 & 9 year old and I’m a lot busier now than I was when they were young, the shorter days (school finishes at 3.30) is a real killer, then all the kids activities and sports. It’s never ending! Try not to take it personally, it’s a tough season for everyone.

I think it’s hard as your lives just have different rhythms now. When they had wee ones and you were child free, you’d fit in with them. Having children at hugely different stages is just harder. Mine are 10/13 and we have a couple friends with toddlers. I try to see them every few months on their own as obviously the kids have 0 interest in each other.

It’s hard when friends are across circles. Hopefully, when you move you’ll find a friendship group. It’s so tough when your this age to make solid friendships. Everybody is over consumed in family life and putting time and effort into new friendships feels like too much.

My advice would be to try and nurture and build on the friendships you already have. At the end of meet ups I say ‘shall we get a date in now to meet again?’ It sounds like you’ve been friends with them for a really long time if you were there for them when they had children so there must be something solid there? You see so many threads of ladies our age who have lost all contact with friends and struggle to meet new ones.

FWIW I tend to be the organiser of meets in my group. But I work shifts and tend to be the tricky one to fit in. One girl always sorts out transport if we go anywhere, I suppose we all have our ‘roles’ after over 30 years!

I have 4 kids - the oldest 2 are ND and quite complicated and honestly, I yearn for the days of having 2 small ones. Life is unbelievably chaotic and sometimes just lacking joy - teenagers are so so much harder work than my 8 year old and consume most of my time and energy.

my other 3 are 15-20 and it is so simple and lovely when I hang out with my friends whose eldest are 8 but I just simply don’t have time most of the time. Don’t take it personally - my experience isn’t everyone’s but most of my friends with teenagers agree that life is exponentially busier and harder dealing with logistics and emotions kids of that age than little ones - I suspect that is what is happening.