AIBU to expect DH to come to bed at a reasonable time?

I think YABU.

He could easily post the same sort of thing with expectations you go to bed later. How would you respond?

He's the one affecting her sleep

Agreed. It’s not about control or ‘making him go to bed at a certain time’ as people say here.
its far broader than that and to suggest otherwise is reductive and unkind to the op who is clearly unhappy with this arrangement and has raised it with her husband.

it’s about intimacy. If he doesn’t come to bed he needs to make an effort to help ensure intimacy can happen at other times.
if he’s not making any effort towards this then there is something else wrong

My partner and I have been together for almost ten years and we rarely go to bed at the same time.

Monday to Friday he goes to bed much earlier than I do because he has to be up at 4am. Then at weekends it’s usually the other way round and I’ll go to bed before him because he likes staying up later, chilling out and going on his Xbox or whatever.

It’s honestly never been an issue in our relationship, and it’s never interfered with intimacy either. There are plenty of hours in the day to have sex, be affectionate or spend time together. Going to bed at exactly the same time isn’t the only opportunity for intimacy.

I wouldn’t ask or expect him to come to bed earlier just because I was going to bed. He’s a grown adult and if he wants to stay up late, that’s completely up to him.

I think he is probably watching porn downstairs op

It's up to him. He isn't disturbing you, leave him sleep where and when he wants.

My husband does the exact same and I hate it

how are we supposed to be intimate if he won't come to bed??

You do realise there’s no law that says you can only have sex if it’s in bed and at night?

I also suspect that he doesn’t feel like he’s being invited to shag you if you’re sitting there in bed at 9pm ‘doing puzzles’ for two hours. Frankly, if my boyfriend went up to bed at 9pm with a sudoku book, my fanny would snap shut like a clam.

He’s an adult, he doesn’t need anyone to tell him when to go to bed.

Why is he self centred and the OP not?

I am like your DH, OP. (I'm female).
Not sure why I do this but if I go to bed at a reasonable, "normal" hour I tend not to be able to sleep....however I tend to nod off more easily in front of the TV on the sofa (bad habit?) and then end up waking up at 2 or 3am.... and then going upstairs to bed. Dh doesn't want a TV in the bedroom (understandable), otherwise Id watch TV in bed but it wouldn't be fair to disturb him if he doesn't want it on. It might also be due to the fact that I like to wind down alone..??

YABU I go to bed hours before DH. I like to read in bed. He is a night owl and goes to bed to sleep. He gets alone time after I go to bed and I get alone time before he gets up.

Intimacy doesn’t have to be at bedtime.

Isn’t the OP being self centred also?

Yep. OP isn’t his mother who can set a bedtime.

Who is to say he isn’t annoyed she goes off to bed really early? My husband and I have completely different sleep schedules. I’d be horrified if he tried to tell me I had to go to bed when he does.

You say him not coming to bed is affecting initimacy (naturally). What does he have to say about that? Is he not interested in sex or cuddles? Occasionally falling asleep on the couch is one thing but doing it every night is unnecessary. Is he actually watching tv till late or is asleep and doesn't realise? Have you tried asking him to join you around 10.30/11? So if he is sleepy, he can just come to bed. Maybe you both could compromise and schedule certain nights for you as a couple.

I would find this annoying too. V self centred

Hes an adult.
You're not his mum.
Why are you trying to control his behaviour?

Let him go to bed whatever time he wants if youre not being disturbed.

Its his decision, and he is the one impacted the following day. Tired or in pain from sleeping on the sofa. Its on him. Decisions have ramifications. Let him make his decision, and live the ramifications (if there are any).

You can't tell another adult when they should go to bed.

Yes, I read that. As I said, I would find it annoying and lonely.

I dont mind as long as I've managed 5hrs between 9&2am.

If it bothers you so much, why don't you stay up with him whilst you read? And then you can go to bed together when he starts dozing on the sofa.

Maybe if you stay up past 9pm, chill a bit, do some stuff together, and then you might actually create enough of a connection to want to go to bed together and have some intimacy.

Stop being so controlling

My DH has no interest in intimacy with me so comes to bed after I'm asleep.

But he doesn't fall asleep downstairs! He just watches TV and sits on his phone. He is more of a night owl. I like to have my light out by 11pm and read for a while in bed.

@OldSchoolCasualty if he is falling asleep downstairs then I would find that really rude as he is clearly tired but then doesn't come up to bed. If he was awake and just not tired then fair enough for him to come up later sometimes.

If you want to have sex why are you taking yourself off to bed alone at 9pm. Surely you'll spend time together and go to bed together?

Or do you expect him to know that you are tucked up in bed with a book waiting for a shag?