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Original poster

AIBU to wait before telling my separated husband I am pregnant?

113 replies

WildTurtle · 23/08/2026 01:08

My husband and I have recently separated. There hasn’t been one huge event, we’ve just become more like housemates than a couple over the last year or so. We’ve been going round in circles about our future and what we both want. I haven’t really told many people that we’ve separated I’ve been quite down recently so been trying to be positive about things.

We’ve been in touch and he’s told me that he’s struggling with the separation too and wants to now go spend a bit of time in America where his family are from, and has been sorting out some work things before and taking some time off work.
We’re still amicable. There’s no hatred or massive falling out and we still care about each other which probably makes the whole thing harder.I found out today that I’m pregnant.Honestly I am completely stunned I did 6 tests. I’d always just assumed I was infertile and I think that caused a bit of a rift in our marriage. We’ve never really used proper contraception and have always just relied on withdrawal and somehow I’ve never become pregnant.We’ve always wanted children but I genuinely thought it probably wasn’t going to happen for us. We sort of came to terms with it never wanted medical help or anything. So seeing the positive test today has completely floored me. I haven’t told anyone. Part of me is excited because this is something we’ve both always wanted. Part of me is absolutely terrified because we’re separated and I have no idea what our relationship will look like by the time the baby arrives.I haven’t told him yet.

I know he needs to know, particularly as he is planning to go to America to see his family but I’ve literally only found out today and I haven’t even worked out how I feel myself.There’s also a part of me wondering whether telling him will completely change everything between us. I don’t want to tell him because I’m hoping we will suddenly work out our issues a baby doesn’t fix things but equally I don’t want him to find out when he’s in the states.
We’ve always talked about having children and I know he’ll probably be shocked too, especially given that we’ve been separated.
I feel like whatever I do is going to have huge consequences. If I tell him straight away am I putting pressure on him? If I wait, am I being completely unreasonable by keeping something this important from him?

AIBU to take a few days or even a month to process this before telling him, or should I tell him straight away. He is British and America his father is British he moved to the uk for university and then just got a job here and stayed here we met at uni almost 15 years ago

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 23/08/2026 09:06

user1492757084 · 23/08/2026 01:55

Your only hope of maintaining a respectful long term relationship is to tell your STBEx of the surprise pregnancy.
You have options and uncertainty before you. He deserves to know and understand the full complexity of your situation.

I would tell him, in person, as soon as possible. I would invite him to a check up before he visits his family. He deserves to know the responsibility of future possibilities.

Keeping my fingers crossed for you.
I wish you a healthy child who has two loving parents. I hope you and your exh find contentment, adventure and joy - together, and if not, apart.

Edited

Spot on.

MeridaBrave · 23/08/2026 09:03

I think it’s ok to wait a week or so to come to terms with it but you do need to tell sooner rather than later.

SnozPoz · 23/08/2026 08:59

I'd give yourself a couple of days to get your head around it but you do need to tell him sooner rather than later. He gets to decide whether he stays or goes. What if he goes to the US and decides to stay because he meets someone else, or finds a new job? Whether or not you get back together is not the point... your child having a father nearby is.

Applesonthelawn · 23/08/2026 08:58

Step 1 - consider if you want to keep the baby. If yes, go to step 2. If no, terminate and never say anything. But I wouldn't recommend that really, speaking as a woman who got pregnant with a soon-to-be ex at the age of 42 and have loved every second of raising that complicated child to adulthood alone. But up to you, your wishes, your circumstances.
Step 2 - tell him very soon. You are amicable, he will have the right to parent, this is relevant to significant decisions he may be making right now so on that basis he has a right to know sooner rather than later.
Step 3 - let time work its magic and help you both decide if you want to remain separated and co-parenting, or reconnect as partners, on the basis of this new news. But that's a decision for the future.

Mapletree1985 · 23/08/2026 08:55

He has a right to know. He will make his choices based on the information. It's not right to manipulate the situation by keeping information from him. He is as much the parent of this baby as you are.

Whether or not you keep the baby is, of course, entirely your decision, but even if you chose not to keep it, he still has a right to know, so that he can make fully informed decisions.

Blondeshavemorefun · 23/08/2026 08:52

I can’t work out how can be housemates but have sex - usually the sex is the first thing to go

guessing early days for you - how preg are you ?

sounds like you both aren’t sure about seperating

yee a couple should never stay together for a child but if there is any love there at all and sounds maybe there is - then you need to tell him and see where things go

the fact you haven’t told people you have split to me means you may want to get back together

AbzMoz · 23/08/2026 08:49

You need to ask him round for a chat and tell him clearly and simply that you are pregnant. You can be clear that you don’t know the repercussions of this and what will happen for you both/separately/together next, but he deserves the same information and time to process that information as you.

Cherrysoup · 23/08/2026 08:48

Babies aren’t glue.

Decide if you want to keep the pregnancy.

Presumably you broke up for multiple reasons: a baby isn’t going to fix this.

Sweetdreamsbeautifulnightmare · 23/08/2026 08:44

A baby won’t solve things, it will in fact make things a million times harder!

You either tell him and keep the baby but don’t assume it means you’re getting back together. Just work out how to co parent.

Or you have a termination and tell him this decision or don’t tell him…

FaceIt · 23/08/2026 08:43

I think he should know.

Do you still live together?

How long will he be in the States for?

MyTakeIsntYourTake · 23/08/2026 08:40

WildTurtle · 23/08/2026 01:13

Do I even keep the baby if we are separated
of course this had to happen when I thought I was infertile all this time

That's entirely your decision and I wouldn't consider anyone's opinion on here on that one.We're all strangers to you OP.

Kittybelle123 · 23/08/2026 08:38

Telling him does not mean you have to get back together, but it is the right thing to do. I wish you luck on the decisions you need to make 💐

MyTakeIsntYourTake · 23/08/2026 08:37

LottieMary · 23/08/2026 08:05

I’ve never been sleeping with a housemate.

Not helpful. You must know what she means. .

Dozer · 23/08/2026 08:36

If OP decides to end the pregnancy there won’t be a DC.

If she decided to continue, all goes well with the pregnancy and they remain separated, he will be told in due course and have the opportunity to co parent.

CinnamonBuns67 · 23/08/2026 08:33

Yes tell him OP, he needs to know before he goes as if I was him I'd be feeling theres not much left for me where I am and be seriously considering moving back where my family is. It's only fair to give him the full picture before he goes.

PollyBell · 23/08/2026 08:32

Dozer · 23/08/2026 08:30

His wishes are only relevant if she decides to continue the pregnancy, and / or wishes to resume the relationship.

Never mind the poor child and their father

muddyford · 23/08/2026 08:31

Housemates, eh?!

Shedsqueek · 23/08/2026 08:30

Congratulations. You need to tell him. No a baby wont necessarily fix things but it might. Good luck.

Dozer · 23/08/2026 08:30

His wishes are only relevant if she decides to continue the pregnancy, and / or wishes to resume the relationship.

Morepositivemum · 23/08/2026 08:30

If it’s anyway amicable (you said it is but if it is), then you should tell him, I don’t think anyone could ever forgive this omission especially in your cases (ttc) but after yes you can weigh up the options, single mother (which is fine- you don’t sound like you think it’s an option?) , try again with him or the alternative

SALaw · 23/08/2026 08:29

You’re more like housemates but you conceived a child recently enough to not have known until now?

Globules · 23/08/2026 08:27

Credittocress · 23/08/2026 07:35

What he wants is irrelevant. If he wants her to keep and she doesn’t? Then she doesn’t keep it. He doesn’t want it but she does? Then she keeps it.

Show quote history

Of course it's not irrelevant.

He needs to decide if he'd like to continue the relationship.

He may tell her he doesn't want the baby, which may help make her decision.

He may say with a baby on the horizon, let's give this another try.

He may say, ok, if you (don't) keep the baby I'll do x,y,z.

If he doesn't want to keep the baby and OP does, that doesn't stop OP going ahead with what she wants, does it?

OP needs to be informed of all options available before making a life changing decision.

Bizkibee · 23/08/2026 08:26

If you were really just housemates then this has potential for quite a bright future for successful, separated, co-parenting. The fact you were still sleeping together makes it a bit murkier but ultimately you still seem to like each other, which is a good start whether you get back together or not. I think you should tell him in the next few days.

The decision whether to keep the baby is yours and yours alone, and nothing he does or says can change that. But him haring off to America or changing life plans while you are sitting on this info would only add needless complexity into an already complex situation.

KrazyKatty · 23/08/2026 08:25

Obviously, you have to decide if you’re keeping the baby first, before you tell him. So don’t say anything until you’ve worked that one out.

I was 12 weeks pregnant before I told my partner as I didn’t realise I was pregnant until I was about 10 weeks gone and then I took another 2 weeks to decide how I felt about it. The baby is almost an adult now and partner is my husband and it all worked out perfectly.

If you decide to keep it, tell him asap in case he thinks it’s not his child.

Dozer · 23/08/2026 08:25

decide whether you want to continue the pregnancy in the scenario of being single.

Then whether you want to resume/continue the relationship. If you do, tell him. If unsure or you don’t, would wait until the second trimester to tell him about the pregnancy, unless he’s indicating that his visit to the US is long term.

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