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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he’s mad for saying this? Or is it me?

35 replies

Chabgeu · 22/08/2026 21:22

I genuinely am at my wits end. And I’m prepare to be told I’m the unreasonable one. Me and ex don’t have a great relationship though we try to get along for ds. He sees ds fortnightly for a night, he doesn’t want more time. Not sure why. He doesn’t have other dc but has always been quite self involved.

Ds birthday is coming up and I asked him what he thought might be good to do (ds will be 6). As is usual, he didn’t offer any suggestions so I eventually asked him to keep a weekend free coming up. He agreed to this but then about five days later I realised it was half term and a few of DS’s friends wouldn’t be around as they’re on holiday. I told ex and suggested a different weekend, to which he said ‘why should I organise my shifts around people’s holidays.’ And ‘it’s clear I’m not the priority as to who is there, it’s about his friends’ availability not mine.’

I reminded him that this is several weeks away and im sure his work won’t mind if he requests this time off given it’s over 7 weeks away. He said I was being demanding and want things my own way. I explained this was for ds and nothing to do with my wants and needs and reminded him that I had done all the legwork in making enquiries as to venue and sorting invites and I will be doing party bags etc, meanwhile he doesn’t do anything so the least he could do is not give me a hard time about changing the weekend.

AIBU? I’m exhausted and feel like I can never win with him. I’d prefer people to be blunt though (hence posting in AIBU), if I’m the issue then I need to know. I’m trying my best for ds but don’t know if I’m too much or too demanding… I don’t know.

OP posts:
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Loulou4022 · 23/08/2026 13:07

You’ve tried being civil and the ex isn’t interested. I’d go ahead with your plans in future and just send him an invite like everyone else (if you want to be the bigger person) and then if he can make it he can and if he can’t he can’t. DS will realise sooner or later his dad’s a useless fecker anyway!

Pinkissmart · 23/08/2026 09:37

Have two celebrations- one for friends and one for family

CamillaMcCauley · 22/08/2026 22:22

Chabgeu · 22/08/2026 21:51

@outerspacepotato i can’t say that to a six year old. I just can’t

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I agree it’s not age-appropriate. It’s not entirely clear whether your ex isn’t actually coming or if he’s just having a massive moan but if he doesn’t come you can just say it wasn’t possible to find a date that suited his friends and his dad, so his dad is going to do something fun with him another time.

As the years go on, sadly your son will notice of his own accord that dad isn’t great at showing up, and you can be more direct in just saying gently that you gave his dad plenty of notice for the event and if your son expresses disappointment then just sympathize and say you know he wishes his dad would be there too.

He may not actually care that much eventually. My kids have recognised that dad tends to just make an appearance at parties, and also that is how he tends to show up in life in general (unless it’s all about him).

Tennisbiatch · 22/08/2026 22:11

He’s a selfish prick!

Original poster
Chabgeu · 22/08/2026 22:07

Pumpup · 22/08/2026 22:05

Good luck ❤
With my kids I try and promote Christmas and birthdays as a ‘collection of events’, rather than pressure all on one event. So for your son you could show excitement for the three amazing birthday events - the party with friends, his time with you and his time with his Dad.

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@Pumpup thank you this is so so helpful!!!

OP posts:
Pumpup · 22/08/2026 22:05

Chabgeu · 22/08/2026 22:01

@Pumpup thanks this a a helpful perspective. I hadn’t really considered it like that. I could definitely big up his day with his dad at a different time and then it saves me the stress of this sort of interaction with him

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Good luck ❤
With my kids I try and promote Christmas and birthdays as a ‘collection of events’, rather than pressure all on one event. So for your son you could show excitement for the three amazing birthday events - the party with friends, his time with you and his time with his Dad.

Original poster
Chabgeu · 22/08/2026 22:05

Duckyfondant · 22/08/2026 22:04

As in you're holding on the the family unit, rather than adapting to co-parenting. Inviting the ex is a nice gesture. Arranging things around his availability is a bit above and beyond, and he doesn't even sound grateful

@Duckyfondant yes I try and keep some form of unit for ds. I guess I’ve not arranged it around ex which is why he’s annoyed

OP posts:
grinandslothit · 22/08/2026 22:05

It sounds like you're trying to protect your son from the fact that his father is a shit dad that doesn't really care that much

He is going to repeatedly disappoint your son his entire life

If you just let the chips fall where they are, yes your son will be sad and disappointed but he won't have the false hope anymore of his shit father stepping up and caring

Duckyfondant · 22/08/2026 22:04

As in you're holding on the the family unit, rather than adapting to co-parenting. Inviting the ex is a nice gesture. Arranging things around his availability is a bit above and beyond, and he doesn't even sound grateful

Original poster
Chabgeu · 22/08/2026 22:02

Duckyfondant · 22/08/2026 21:59

It sounds like this might be more about you and your difficulty letting go than about your little boy.

@Duckyfondant as in I want him back in our lives?

OP posts:
Original poster
Chabgeu · 22/08/2026 22:01

Pumpup · 22/08/2026 21:59

Honestly all my friends who are separated don’t have both parents at the kids birthday party with their friends. Some of them the Mum does all the work every year, some of them the parents take it in turns each year to do the party with the kids friends.
Honestly, I go to a lot of kids parties where the parents are married and only one parent is there. The other is working, or looking after other children. Don’t overthink this.
Your son is off an age too where before you know it, it’ll be birthday parties with only a couple of friends and it’ll be awkward for you both to be there!
Sounds like you should organise the party with the friends, and just tell Dad the details for it.
And for your son, you hype up his special 1-1 time with Dad for his birthday instead. Parties are about seeing his friends.

@Pumpup thanks this a a helpful perspective. I hadn’t really considered it like that. I could definitely big up his day with his dad at a different time and then it saves me the stress of this sort of interaction with him

OP posts:
oviraptor21 · 22/08/2026 22:00

Tbh it probably doesn't matter what you arranged, he would have found fault with it somewhere.

I get that you are trying to put on a united front for your DS and to include ex because that's what your DS wants at the moment. Fortunately as DS gets older you will need to accommodate ex less and less.

You are doing the right thing for now. Don't beat yourself up about it.

Duckyfondant · 22/08/2026 21:59

It sounds like this might be more about you and your difficulty letting go than about your little boy.

Pumpup · 22/08/2026 21:59

Honestly all my friends who are separated don’t have both parents at the kids birthday party with their friends. Some of them the Mum does all the work every year, some of them the parents take it in turns each year to do the party with the kids friends.
Honestly, I go to a lot of kids parties where the parents are married and only one parent is there. The other is working, or looking after other children. Don’t overthink this.
Your son is off an age too where before you know it, it’ll be birthday parties with only a couple of friends and it’ll be awkward for you both to be there!
Sounds like you should organise the party with the friends, and just tell Dad the details for it.
And for your son, you hype up his special 1-1 time with Dad for his birthday instead. Parties are about seeing his friends.

DaysIllRememberAllMyLife · 22/08/2026 21:58

God he sounds a right tit. Sorry op you have my sympathies. I wouldn't involve him in future, he'll just ruin it.

nomas · 22/08/2026 21:56

Chabgeu · 22/08/2026 21:25

@Hollycoco but Ds would want him there so that’s not an option I am comfortable with unfortunately

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IIt’s really best that you start putting in boundaries now.

And that means having separate birthday celebrations.

BeMellowAquaSquid · 22/08/2026 21:56

Finalise your plans. Invite him (be the bigger person) but don’t try and get into his headspace and over think it. So long in your heart you’ve tried that’s the main thing. Kids don’t stay little, they eventually remember who showed up and when x

NotAnotherScarf · 22/08/2026 21:55

No you're completely unreasonable to include your ex in planning something nice for your child. That he would like to do. At a time when his friends will actually be able to attend.

How dare you think weeks in advance about his child's happiness and allow him weeks of warning to be a part of it...you...you...nasty person.

Op in all seriousness just tell him. "Fine, I'll tell ds that we thought about moving his party so his friends could come but his dad couldn't be arsed to sort his shift so we're having it with no fucker there instead"

Original poster
Chabgeu · 22/08/2026 21:54

Ohnobackagain · 22/08/2026 21:53

@Chabgeu it is honestly better for DS to understand you and his Dad are not together. Yes, ideally you will be civil but you don’t have to be together to celebrate DS’s birthday

@outerspacepotato i know we don’t have to be but surely that’s best? Just seems unnecessarily sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Chabgeu · 22/08/2026 21:54

DaisyChain505 · 22/08/2026 21:53

You are separated parents. You do separate things for his birthday. Stop torturing yourself trying to include him and let him make his own plans with his son.

@DaisyChain505 there’s absolutely no way he will organise a party. He doesn’t even know his son’s friends’ names. I don’t agree that separated parents have to do separated things on birthdays.

OP posts:
Ohnobackagain · 22/08/2026 21:53

@Chabgeu it is honestly better for DS to understand you and his Dad are not together. Yes, ideally you will be civil but you don’t have to be together to celebrate DS’s birthday

DaisyChain505 · 22/08/2026 21:53

You are separated parents. You do separate things for his birthday. Stop torturing yourself trying to include him and let him make his own plans with his son.

Original poster
Chabgeu · 22/08/2026 21:51

outerspacepotato · 22/08/2026 21:45

It doesn't matter what you think. You had a child with a man who puts himself first in everything and seems to care little about his kid. You can't nag him into caring. You can't nag him to go to a birthday party. He's choosing to not be involved with his kid. Just tell your son you invited him and you don't know if he'll show or not. Very bluntly, this is life when you have kids with a selfish dad who doesn't care about their children.

@outerspacepotato i can’t say that to a six year old. I just can’t

OP posts:
Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 22/08/2026 21:50

Don’t bend over backwards to try and include him. He is invited to the party and he can come if he wants to. Otherwise he can actively help with the planning.

don’t worry about your DS as he gets older he will see who consistently shows up for him and who doesn’t.

Duckyfondant · 22/08/2026 21:50

Why are you doubting yourself? Would DS prefer his friends or his dad at his party? Bearing in mind his dad could celebrate with him on another day

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