AIBU to feel my son is unfairly comparing support?

Honestly OP I don't think you can win with this one.
The past is what it is and it sounds like he deeply resents his sister for having you full time when he didn't.
This is a totally understandable emotion for a child to feel in the circumstances you have described, but it sounds like he has never dealt with it, despite the fact you have as acknowledged your mistakes and apologized to him for them.
BUT he is 100% using your guilt over that to pump you for money now. He is a 41 year old man with children, not a child anymore. I think you need to be a little blunt with him and tell him that you love them equally and have apologised for your mistakes in his past. You have tried to make it up to him in any way you can and offered to help with babysitting etc, but that love cannot be brought and even if it could... you're not rich enough to do so!
Ask him to put into words what it is HE needs from you that doesn't involve him wanting you to take something from his sister in order to "balance the scales" in his eyes. Cos until he processes the feelings of that inner child, there is NOTHING you can do that will be enough for him.

Also, some of these responses are pretty harsh given you were still in his day to day life and providing for him. You have admitted you didn't deal with it perfectly and people harping on about it and telling you to pander to his every whim now and the expense of your daughter are ridiculous. He is a grown arse adult with children of his own, he needs to find a way to come to terms with it, through therapy or conversations...not using your guilt for his financial gain.

It will upset your daughter, and I agree that he'll just find something else to be angry about. It might please him for about 30 seconds that he's got his own way, but he won't be satisfied.

He sounds a troubled young man. He needs counselling or something. I'm not sure what else you can do. I don't think he knows what he wants either. Apart from ruining your relationship with your daughter, I think he'd like that.

He clearly has some money troubles; it's disappointing that the last time you gave him money for shoes, the children didn't get their shoes.

It sounds as if you did your best in crappy circumstances when he was a child. You were working to make ends meet, not off partying for goodness sake. It wasn't ideal, but you were very young and he was with his gran where he was loved and safe.

This might sound harsh, I'll put my crash helmet on for what I'm about to say, but tough love and a harsh talking to might not go amiss with this man-brat. He's old enough to sort himself out, he works, apparently, and shouldn't be borrowing money from his mom or shouting at his gran for money. He's got some growing up to do. If he needs help, then he can get some help in the form of counselling and stop wallowing in pity and letting spite towards his innocent sister eat him up.

To be honest you probably can’t undo this. Because he’s clearly hurting from the fact that you haven’t raised him really but raised your daughter. He’s expressing it through money or attention to grandchildren but that’s the root cause of it.

you can try family therapy to improve your relationship but some things will not change.

what I can say from being upset at my mother (for a totally different reason) - unfortunately you’ll just have to take his hurt and listen to it and never try to defend yourself or argue back rationally. Because 1) it is not rational, it is about deep emotional trauma and 2) justifying and defending means that you are not accepting responsibility for the damage you caused. I don’t mean you need to listen to abusive words, you should calmly draw the boundary there, I’m talking that he tells you - you didn’t love me as much, and you try to go on - oh, I was 21, I was doing my nursing degree, you had nice clothes etc. IT IS NOT ABOUT THAT

His attitude is not due to his home life. He was always loved, supported and cared for. The problem is his. He thinks the World owes him and it doesn't. No one on this Earth has had the magical childhood that they wanted. You cannot change his childhood, it is what it is. Full Stop.

What he is now is a sponger and someone that has a chip on his shoulder. You cannot change that and probably he was aways going to be like this. Do not damage your relationship with your DD for his benefit. Something will always be wrong for him. Let him wallow in his own debt and tell him that. Also tell him that you will not carry his grief over what might have been and the clock cannot be turned back.

You did your best at the time and that is all anyone can expect or hope for. We all have problems to face and so does he. Tough for him and it was tough for you. Do not let this man run you down. Ignore his woe is me attitude and tell him he is no longer a child and has to get on with his life and earn his own money.

The fact that you'rs financially supporting either of your adult children is ridiculous and your son is using emotional blackmail. He's a middle aged men for gods sake!

Even if you had looked after him full time, pretty sure he would still resent you. Sounds like he is angry for the lack of dear dad. Your dd did nothing, she didn't chose to be born. For him to treat her and her children the way he does is digusting.
You need to stop giving him money and so does your mum. Also maybe he's just waiting for a house when either of you dies.
He's an adult and a father he needs to grow up. You've already said you had a heart to heart and apologised to him well then he's just using you now and taking advantage by constantly taking money from you and your mother. Don't let him make you treat your daughter unjustly be giving him money he never pays back! Also make sure your will and your mother's will is iron clad and just and fair.

Trauma can cause addiction

What do you mean "entirely" her fault?
OP - don't listen to stuff like this.

I agree. Abusive behaviour.

But that’s not what OP’s DS wants - clearly the money and manipulating OP is his priority.

Seriously ? He’s a manipulative and spiteful man, abusive to his mother and grandmother - not to mention financially abusing them - and is clearly out to ruin OP’s relationship with her DD. She doesn’t need to do any of the things you suggested - he needs to grow up and recognise that he wasn’t abandoned, he wasn’t put into care, he was loved and cared for by his gran and his mum did the best she could with what she had at the time.

As a child whose younger siblings seemed to have it better. You know what I really want…acknowledgment and an apology from my parents.

I want them to sit down and really say I’m sorry, I hold my hands up I messed up. We can see you were treated differently and if we had the time again we would do it differently. I’m so sorry for all the pain and hurt it cause you.

I don’t want money or more attention I want an apology and then I could maybe move forward.

So you were married, so actually not the same situation as OP - she was a single mum doing a nursing degree and working long shifts, and she didn’t have a partner to help out - hence the help from her mother. DS lived with his gran who treated him well and OP was around. Not saying it’s ideal but it absolutely doesn’t give him the right to abuse his mum and gran the way he’s doing now.

Agreed.

He’s emotionally blackmailing you and the way he’s treating your mother sounds like financial/elder abuse. It needs to stop now.

Sit him down, tell him you’re sorry he feels the way he does about his childhood. Offer to talk it through, answer any questions.

Then be clear that the past cannot be healed with money and you’re going to stop giving him and your DD any money and simply stick to equal gifts for Christmas and birthdays. Make sure you mother stops the handouts, too. They both need to stand on their own two feet for a year at least to break this nasty cycle.

Please tell me why I would think that? When I and my children’s dad worked throughout.
ill wait 😊

He is 41 years old and incapable of surviving a month without handouts something went wrong but im not sure its entirely your fault at 41 he has choices he is choosing this drama and immaturity

Don't push your daughter away it wont help anything

I think he more than anything wants you say, you’re absolutely right son, I fucked up and should have prioritised you over the new partner. No excuses or explanations just that. And maybe say I can’t change that but I’m happy to give you a maximum of whatever money you can give him as a gift, or you offer to pay for him to have 12 months of therapy to deal with these issues.

Were your circumstances the same as OP’s ? We all do the best we can with what we have at the time. Would you have thought better of OP if she had simply lived off benefits so she could be with DS more ?

Everything in your post seeks to justify how you treated your daughter very differently.
He is right to be pissed off.
She got this BUT ds got holidays
she got this BUT ds had fashionable clothes.

For what it’s worth, I had my two children before the age of 21. Neither lived with my mother.

The last thing OP should be doing is going to counselling with DS. He’s abusive and no counsellor worth their salt would agree to abuser and victim being counselled together - the scope for manipulation and further damage is enormous. Counselling yes - but separately.

I think you need to get together with him and go for some therapy or counselling. Bring out, work through and heal some these upseting feelings on both sides.

On the plus side. At least you studied to be a nurse, worked hard and provided for him financially over the years.

Rather than not work and let the Welfare State keep you both.

Good Luck
🤞

Not read the full thread..but bloomin eck. He's 41 year old man /father now and still going to his mum for hand outs and acting like a surly teenager. Yes his childhood wasn't perfect. You did the best you could with what you had.
He's just trying to exploit you and push you around OP. Id draw some serious boundaries around how he treats you.

Please don’t tell your daughter you won’t look after her children. Your son sounds like an arrogant man child who clearly is only interested in a relationship with you for money. I am SO shocked by all of the comments here. Yes it sounds like he had a hard upbringing but the way he is so vile to your daughter and her children, I would never ever let him win by taking you away from them. I’m sorry you are going through this and sorry for all the messages you are getting judging you.

No, it’s about his urge to punish, emotionally blackmail and manipulate his mother for what he views as a terrible childhood. It actually wasn’t. He was loved and cared for and OP did her best. What’s done is done and you can’t change the past. I think he needs therapy to sort this out.