AIBU to feel my son is unfairly comparing support?

Yes. 100%. Offer to babysit his kids that one afternoon you have off. If you have one afternoon off and its given to your DD it shows him you again chose her.
even if he says no to you babysitting the fact you are willingly telling him you want to babysit and this means he comes before your DD says everything.
your DD can be like every other parent and get childcare

Your son is a brat who is emotionally bullying you here - you CANT WIN, because he will ALWAYS come back to seeing it as you having favourites, let him think that, and stop compensating and giving him money ffs - hes a grown ass man - you are spoiling him. Stop.

It looks like spending more time with him than DD. Making a big song and dance about how special he is. In a way its parenting him again and building a bond

Suggest you do some research into attachment Theory. He was abandoned by you, you took him back, he tested the boundary by being violent and you got rid of him again. My husband has an attachment disorder due to a tough childhood. He believes everyone will abandon him, its really common for people with poor attachment to try and lash out to make then other person leave them to prevent them from being hurt again. This can show as violence but its them hurt and wounded. The “get them before they get you”. I suggest you pay for counselling for both of you and if you want this to improve you need to focus on connection with your son and spending quality time with him (more time than you spend with your daughter).

But making it fair now in his mind isnt equal. In his subconscious mind he has a debt of love, care, attention, money that he missed out from his childhood that his sister got. Making it the same now doesnt make up for the past.
without changing something or therapy or in someway acknowledging and making up for his crap childhood he is never going to “get over it”.

and his heart is screaming about how he grew up.
Sorry its not his heart, it's his wallet. This is a pathetic self serving man child.
how many kids grow up in awful unloving surroundings and dont become manipulative adults.
he had a loving granny and whatever the situation its unchangeable now.

Eesh, that just makes him a weirdo.
Sorry misread, thanks for making him even more ridiculous 😜

The title of you post is interesting. You seem to think he is being unfair. Clearly he was treated unfairly when he was growing up in terms of his upbringing not being conventional, compared to your daughter. You basically abandoned him to the care of your mother, and yet raised you daughter yourself, and indirectly gave her advantages like access to hobbies and university leading to her ability to have a more comfortable life than he seems to have.

Unfortunately life isn't fair. I don't think the underlying problem can be countered simply by saying you spent and continued to spend the same amount of money on each of them., You can't buy your way out of any feelings of guilt , and he should not be trying to extort cash out of you by playing on that guilt you may be feeling.

I think his underlying issue is about the lack of opportunities he had for a conventional childhood when his sister had that opportunity and has been able to follow a more conventional pathway and has received help from her partner/ husband's family to buy a property etc. . Help that he hasn't had, and presumably you couldnt afford to match at the time..

How is his relationship with his sister? And his grandmother,?

Have you asked him how you could help in different ways other than money? I think you could do more to help him sort out his troubled mind as giving cash isn't working for either of you and is fuelling unhealthy demands. Maybe you could offer to organise some family counselling sessions which he may reject as a waste of time and money but I do think some talking therapy might help him feel listened to.

@BeZippyZebra do you mean raised by gps in same way in that they lived with your parents and never really with you, but then with your 2nd family, the dc lived together with you?

I have an older child who was raised by my parents while I worked and they see their childhood very differently to how I do..
My later 2 children did not have the closeness or bond with my parents as the other child. I took them all on holiday together, it was usually the eldest who would cause chaos, be rude, run away and try to ruin things. They were treated no differently to my other two. I get that she resented me for working but I was a lone parent from day 1 who had to put food on the table and keep a roof over our heads.
The eldest never went without and if anything, was spoilt by my parents. If you heard them speak about their childhood you would think it was awful, dragged up but that really was not the case.
I no longer have a relationship with my eldest, their choice for the last 5 years.. It absolutely kills me inside. I did the best I could for them and even as an adult I still did all that I could to help and guide them.

I really do wish people would stop suggesting family therapy. OP’s son is exercising coercive control over both his mother and grandmother - he’s extorting money from them and making threats to withhold access to his own children unless they do as he says. That’s emotional blackmail as well as financial abuse. Family therapy is absolutely not appropriate for this situation.

They all have issues that need to be worked through so separate therapy for them all would be appropriate, but OP, GM and DD should not be put together in a therapy setting where DS - essentially their abuser - is in a position to manipulate and control the narrative.

This man is abusing his mother and his grandmother. He’s taking money from both of them and not paying it back, and he’s making unreasonable demands on OP about restricting how often she sees her DD - to the point where he’s withholding OP’s access to his own children unless she agrees to give up babysitting for her, even though her job depends on it. This is nothing to do with his heart ‘screaming’. It’s coercive control and manipulation - abuse. And it’s designed to destroy the relationship between OP and her DD.

DS wasn’t abandoned as a child. He lived with his grandmother and OP was around and working to support him. Was it ideal ? No. But you work with what you have at the time. He’s a grown arsed man and he needs to deal with his own feelings instead of using them to essentially blackmail the two people who did their best under difficult circumstances.

The very first rule of therapy is that you do not attend counselling with your abuser. No counsellor would agree to it because it provides a setting for the abuser to manipulate and control the narrative.

I’d suggest that counselling is appropriate for all of them, because there are definitely issues to be worked out here, but separately. And in the meantime OP should be refusing to give either DD or DS any more money - that’s a given.

The number of posters essentially telling OP she deserves this and should give in to his batshit demands is shocking.

Don't do this!!! Keep having dds kids on a Wednesday.

He needs some serious counselling.

He had a hard time but he had a stable adult who loved him and he lives with.

Many people have worse and don't act like this.

It's ok to day no to him you know.

This is more about his childhood than now. You are arguing about the technicalities and his heart is screaming about how he grew up. I would stop trying to argue back or rationalise what you do or don't do and focus on how you can repair your relationship and what he needs around that. Could you look at some family counselling.

@Appleteeth I had an extremely fcuked up childhood with both parents, and wider family not emotionally available in different ways to your situation however with the same result as underlying anger and resentments towards my late mom. My father died when I was 18.

I didn't realise I was an angry adult carrying resentment from the past. I made my late mom pay through money.

I have now worked through all my issues having been in and out of therapy for the past 20 years plus being in a 12-step program.

I think the problem here isn't your acknowledgement of what happened. You are clear on your responsibilities. The problem is how you put boundaries in place with your son.

Your son needs to also get therapy. It's clear he is still messed up understandably however he is now an adult, and he is accountable for how is dealing with this.

His pain is his pain. I'm not dismissing it however he needs to take a good look around at children who really are dragged up. He isn't going to change his behaviour unless he given a reason. He sees you as a cash cow. You have read a bit here about me so I recognise what is happening for him
.
You enabling him (like my mom did me) is keeping him stuck in petulant child mode. You can't change the past. You have acknowledged it. Now he needs to take it into therapy is my experience of what worked for me.

Maybe look at some therapy for you too. You made mistakes. Who the fcuk hasn't. You and your mom, his gran bought him up. You were still there for him. It wasn't perfect. Alot of people who would be very happy with that childhood even though you were working..

You need support too cos you need to come to terms with this too. Take this from someone whose knows both sides of the equation

I wish you well

What I'm getting from OP's posts is that basically DS was a PITA from the start. And I do think the behaviour of some babies and kids makes them less immediately likeable than others.

In my limited experience, boys can be more boisterous, demanding and physical than small girls - which if it's not understood and responded to properly with firm boundaries, consistency etc, can spiral into bullying, aggressive behaviour. My aunties told me that my brother caused my mum endless grief, throwing nappies at her, screaming, hitting etc. I was the dream second baby, quiet, affectionate, a relief to my poor mum. (Though was myself also at the mercy of older brother.)

I see another similarity too, in that my mum was mostly on her own, her marriage was breaking down and she was 'suffering from nerves' in the parlance of the times (probably PND). A conscientious, kind-hearted and easy-going person herself - like OP sounds - I think my mum had no idea what to do when confronted with a raging little boy, to the detriment of them both.

Now I think of it, another similarity was that my brother loved his Grandma, and was much more respectful, helpful and relaxed with her. He'd much rather spend time with her than us too. Just like OP's DS. And I bet he hated school, OP?!

40-plus years ago, mothers did their best, but without the support or parenting skills that we now know are so important, they didn't stand a chance with 'difficult' children. Now we know so much more about child development, and mental health generally. OP and her son need to access this knowledge to get out of this toxic stuckness and move on with their own lives.

I think you’ve been very honest about shortcomings during your son’s childhood, and at least he had a stable home with his grandmother. Agree that part of him is trying to get you to compensate for that time - but I also think he’s playing on your feelings of guilt. He’s a grown adult with children of his own , and you are lending him money he can’t afford. I’d stop prividing material things behind your means , and clear that with him - at the same time offering time and energy instead ( for them to come to yours for a meal/ to babysit his children etc ) I’m sorry some people here are dragging up the past and condemning you for it- you can only move forward from where you are , and torturing yourself to try and compensate for past mistakes is going to be good for no one in the family.

Both of those things are manipulative.

1. Trying to make it so you see your DD's kids less but not letting you see his children on the weekend.

2. Money is just another way to guilt trip and manipulate you. If you gave him every last penny you had, he would still want more. Put that money towards counselling for you both. Stop giving either of your children "shoe money" and stop "lending" money to your son.

You did the best you could at the time. I wonder how your DS is doing with his children? Maybe they will be on him when they grow-up, since he seems to live a live of bitterness and revenge.

I agree with how others are making sense of the situation relating to his childhood and feeling maybe abandoned by you when his sister wasn’t so he’s seeking out a repair experience. But it’s also not acceptable in my opinion for him to go about it how he is, trying to bully and guilt you into giving him more money. I don’t imagine these dynamics will change without some family therapy, even a few sessions could make a big difference. If he isn’t willing to do that with you I would probably set some boundaries around the money and acceptance about the relationship. I understand you asking “but what should I actually do”, saying prioritise him and love him is all well and good but what would he see you doing that lets him know that’s happening? I hear you struggling to know what the tangible actions are other than him trying to control your contact with her daughter or give him money. I’m not sure it will be enough for him even if you did give up that day with your daughters children.

Tell him to grow up ! Life isn't fair

IMHO, if he thinks he "deserves" more money now because he didn't get to spend time with you growing up, then he is being manipulative.
Money doesn't make up for not being there. Did you live with your mother at the same time he did at all and while you were in school?

His "my HS only has a house because you gave her more" is just an excuse he uses in his head. He could have gone to school or gotten into a well-paid trade, but he didn't. He has spent all of his time whining about the unfairness of his life. It would have been a lot worse in many ways if you hadn't gone to nursing school.

If you never lived with him, then yes, that was very, very wrong. But, if you were in the same house while going to school but the heavy lifting was done by your mother, he should be grateful he wasn't just dropped off at different childminders every day.

I am sure he has some just causes to be upset but they won't be cured with giving him more money. Pay for a therapist for him and you instead.

He's 42 now. He needs to take responsibility and stop blaming you for all that is not enough in his life. You owe him nothing. Stop enabling him. Stop being manipulated to give him cash. He is a grown man!

@Appleteeth i wouldn’t be bowing down to this op. You will never be able to do right by him . You can and have said sorry and that thing should have been different. I’d call it out and say you can’t be guilt tripped into handing money out all the time and ask what he actually does with his money. He is either taking advantage of your guilt or thinks it’s his right. Seems he thinks if he had you at home he would have went to Uni and had load of money and a nice bought house ( he may be right )
I would not stop helping your daughter .
I think therapy together for you both would be money better spent . Tell son you are going to be putting the money to that and can’t give him money each month anymore . Offer to sit down and help with sorting his finances out.
Dd needs that one day a week childcare , ds needs money lending .
I think you have to be strong and consistent.

I agree with pp regarding the family therapy, use this site to find one:

https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk

My upbringing was a little similar with materialistic parent who equated posessions to parenting, meanwhile gran raised me. Then sibling was born and work was changed to accomodate them more with their time, theyve always had a great bond.

Its a deep wound and I have no parental bonds. But Ive healed as much as I can through my own therapy. I suppose at least you recognise the damage youve caused is a start.

Personally I wouldn’t stop babysitting for your daughter. No reason to ruin all your relationships.

Obviously you can see he’s super angry and resentful and £20 on school shoes here or there isn’t really the problem. He’s had 20 years to figure things out and hasn’t. He makes a good salary and bullies his mother and grandmother for money constantly. He doesn’t want you to see his kids or his sister’s kids or have any money for yourself. This is not great. And yes you abandoned him and yes he had a troubled childhood with a grandmother who over indulged him. You made huge mistakes but you didn’t leave him on the streets and you didn’t abuse him and he was cared for - maybe too much - by someone who loves him. This isn’t a tragedy. His life today is.

I don’t think you can really repair this to be honest. Your relationship with him is going to be difficult, he sounds like a bully if he’s bothering his grandmother for money constantly and no one even knows where it’s going. £30 on his own child’s shoes shouldn’t be difficult for him with the amount of money he has between his salary, his wife’s salary, £500 from you and another from his grandmother. Something. Pretty bad is going on sadly.