AIBU to feel uneasy about mothers leaving successful careers?

I don' think it is a binary choice. And what you do now doesn't need to be permanent.

I had 3 kids over ten years, youngest is now 6. I took long mat leaves (1 - 2 years) but always returned part time. I have done 2, 3 and 4 days per week at different times mainly driven by how much i could stomach being away from my youngest (I really really hated leaving them as babies plus I breastfed them for quite a long time). My DH has done 3, 4 and 5 days at different times.

Overall, I would say that after they turned about 2 I found I was more motivated to succeed in my career than pre-kids, esp financially, because I felt like I was batting for our family as a team. After my 2nd was 2 I pivoted from working in IT in gov to a "big job" in professional services, still part time. I negotiated a huge pay rise as part of the move. Ironically, pre-kids I stayed stuck in my gov role because I thought it would be family friendly but when I actually had kids I felt braver. I basically decided that I am a hardworker who takes on responsibility so I might as well get paid for it.

Now I am still our main earner and it would actually be better financially if I worked full time and DH worked 3 days but we found that did weird things to how he was treated at work, his mental health and our marriage so for five years now we've done 4 days each.

We have also altered hours across the week within the 4 days. For years I didn't work Thursday but now ours are all (finally!) in school, we both work school hours on 2 days per week so we only need after school care on one day.

Oh and my DH was also not a natural with our kids as babies and toddlers but his half day of childcare per week when i very first went back 2 days per week in 2012 helped him learn. To begin with they used to drop me at work, go to a cafe for lunch and then a baby swim class. Really this was because he didn't have the confidence to cook them lunch, entertain her without a teacher telling him what to do or be at home with her unless she was asleep!! He did improve with time...

Agree with you, the rightwing push to have women voluntarily (?) withdraw back to the home and hearth is dark. Lucky most of us need two incomes to pay our mortgages really, eh?!!

I actually don't know anyone who gave up work on having kids. I do know a good few who scaled back a bit for a few years.

I did this 20 years ago and didn’t regret it, I think that’s what made them leaving home less traumatic because I know we had had all the time together we could have - I’ve now retrained in a different role and fine . I just couldn’t keep at the level of career and being with the kids as much as I wanted to - and I’m so glad I took the turn that I did

Absolutely agree with this. My mother advised me (as she was advised by her mother before) to always have my own money/means and never to be completely reliant on one person.

Even if it means maintaining a part time role through the toughest parts of child rearing I think this is fundamental - losing your own income and all of your / your family’s eggs being in one basket strikes me as risky. Things happen - illness, infidelity, redundancy etc; you can’t foresee everything.

I also feel that women have so much to contribute to the workplace; our presence is important in so many ways. Skills, emotional awareness, different viewpoints…I think it’s really important that women of all ages are well represented in the workforce.

Having kids that you don't see for 8+ hours a day, 5 days a week, is one of the biggest cons of modern times and I sometimes wonder whether it's a contributor to the drop in birthrates.

I cut my hours drastically (was fortunate to be able to, I admit that) once I had kids. DH also works part time so he gets plenty of time with them - essentially we have one FT job and a SAHP between us. I guess that makes me dependent on him, to the horror of people who don't like that, but it also makes him dependent on me. Is that worse or a mitigating factor?!

I’ve done this very thing because the higher I rose, the more toxic it was and it got to a point where I wasn’t myself anymore at home.

We did the maths and figured out we can just about manage, so I chose to step back and prioritise my sanity and my child at this point. I don’t see it as permanent - it’s the best choice for right now, but as she grows up and needs me less, that will probably change.

Frankly, I just couldn’t continue to spend my days (and often evenings) compensating for fragile men in senior positions beyond their capability (the Peter Principle is an interesting read on Wikipedia). My career became less about the work I do - in my own mind anyway - and more about internal politics. And to then be a good parent on top, never mind a partner to my husband…just didn’t have enough left in the tank.

i gave up my high flying job after child 2 (and an international move.) I stayed home for 5 or so years till youngest was at school. Then I went back to work. I thank my lucky stars that I did as we are in a vastly better financial position and I have kept my financial independence. It was hard at first going back, but psychologically very important for me. 10 years on, staying working ( or going back to work after a career break) was the best decision for me. Things can change, people are different.

Yes. 5 years in a technical IT role is a lifetime with the speed technology advancement moves.

I get paid significantly less than I did then.

I gave up a great extremely well paid career after having my second child.
Dh worked away Monday to Friday, on a far greater wage than mine, so we decided it would be easier for me to stay at home.
As soon as youngest was in school, I joined the workforce again. Not in IT that I was in previously, a much lower paid job but more fulfilling.
Do I regret giving up my career?
Not at all.

What job do you do that earns you well above the median wage with part time hours?

Because it seems to a lot of women a man is a plan and no i will never understand deliberately relying on another like that

Because we can’t do it all.

I understand. Not everyone is into babies and toddlers in a hands on way. Just as there are women who keep having babies because they love babies but seem to lose interest in them once they hit school age.
As you have said your dh still loved his children, just in a different way to you.

What should they do? They are ultimately making choices based on having virtually no financial worries. I assume their partners also make decent money, so why not chose a better work/life balance?

I’m one of the many women who stepped back. Most of the women I know didn’t quit entirely. We just scaled back.

I can earn well above median income while working part-time. We have plenty of money and I still have a populated cv and a job network.

at my employer, many of the men do the same, they just do it when the children are older instead of when the children are babies.

it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. If you are lucky, it can be a little of both.

Much more important?

The paediatric intensivist who saves your kid’s life has a pretty important career.

I’ve not personally met anyone I’d describe as having a high-flying career - difficult to achieve, high status, hard to get into, long training, lucrative, contributes to society etc - who has quit. It describes most of the people I work with, all of whom continue working with children. Every single one.

I suppose it depends on your definition.

If your work matters it doesn’t stop mattering - in many ways for me it mattered more.

Maybe. Probably, in fact. Mine wasn’t a career a person can do PT unfortunately. It’s an all-or-nothing thing. Which is fine. I married late (too busy working!) and had DC late so always knew something would have to give. I just didn’t know if it would be my career or the DC. DH has no regrets, btw. He doesn’t feel he’s missed out on diaper changing and night wakings! He’s incredibly close to them both now, for different reasons. The pendulum has very much swung from me to him! It’ll swing back in time I suspect, to somewhere in the middle. Children need different things at different stages, don’t they.

Maybe that's because he didn't spend a lot of time with them as babies and toddlers? My DH and I both went part time and spent equal time with the DC in the before school years. Neither of us would trade that time for anything and both felt very lucky to be able be able to spend that time with DC and still support the household financially.

It was probably older, truthfully. He came into his own with them from about 6/7yo I’d say. I don’t know why. I think he just didn’t know what to do with them! They don’t exactly have interesting chat or hobbies and interests you can share with them until they’re a bit older. He’s not a sentimental type really. Loved them from the second they were born, in that he felt a duty and responsibility for them and he was aware they came from him partly. But began enjoying them much later.