AIBU to feel worn down by DH's constant moaning?

Your husband is abusive. This endless narrative that you are shit and wrong and bad at everything. It’s rubbish. It has already eroded your sense of self or you wouldn’t be tolerating any of this. What a trooper you are to be carrying the whole show and trying to manage his controlling and difficult demands.

Your children are learning that this is a relationship instead of learning that contempt has no home in friendships and love. This man is meant to be your biggest cheerleader and instead he is seeking to whittle you away until you are an obedient functionary, a Stepford wife who can put her king first.

I hope you have friends and support and can start the process of becoming free. I mean you can do it anyway but start gathering your cheerleaders or making new ones. You are clearly awesome. He really doesn’t deserve you.

Your kids should be in childcare when you’re working. You can’t give proper attention to both work and kids.

Oh and your husband is a miserable controlling lazy arsehole. I don’t really see the point of him tbh.

To be fair, 6.30 to 1.30 is a seven-hour working day, but it's certainly not incompatible with doing other things, including a fair share of child care.

Sorry, have I got this right?:

1. Crumbs
2. You woke him whilst he napped
3. You showered at the wrong time

He sounds like a right dick!

if you tally up all of the things you do (even the things you do “poorly”) how much time are you spending on household/domestic tasks?

I think you need to sit him down and say “you have non-stopped moaned the last 10 weeks you are clearly unhappy so what can we do to fix that? Right now we need both our incomes so that means 40 hours a week I’m at work. I’m also spending 15/20/25 hours on household tasks to your ??? So from my side I’ve got a husband constantly moaning AND I’m doing the lions share of our lives, you’re not happy and I’m feeling taken advantage of. Are we committed to working out a more balanced split and working towards happiness?” And see what he says.

the kids are half his, if neither one of you is willing or able financially to do less hours then he will need to step up. Maybe he will say this one thing would make a huge difference and you could work on that, maybe he won’t and then when he moans you could say “if it’s bothering you darling, go and get the kids and show them how you want it done” while you plan an exit

Having read all your comments, OP, I’m amazed at your level of tolerance for his asshattery. It sounds like that no matter what you do, it isn’t good enough. Has he always been this way or is it something that has come on with children like so many men who want a family as long as it’s their wife who manages everything under the sun?

OP tell him to shut up and stop behaving like your employer or you will find someone who treats you like a person

I'm sorry that you're living with such a tiresome bully...

Please do ask him why HE hasn't taught the five-year-old to clean his teeth,

and also

why HE hasn't tidied up the crumbs that he's obviously seen, that you've missed when you were doing the 200 other things.

This needs to be pushed back, and tell him he is a co-parent and you're not his slave. And WHO made HIM your boss??

I'd find this so utterly draining! I really hope there's a resolution soon.

Also... This too👍👍

This could work... Some experiential learning for him...

DO AS LITTLE AS HE DOES....

I hope posting here has given you some more clarity OP that this man brings only negativity and shit to your life. You deserve a lot better!

Can you imagine how peaceful and joyful your life would be without him in it being a negative and nagging arsehole??

The worst outcome is that your DC observe this behaviour and think that a) it’s something to emulate or b) put up with in a future partner. Get rid of him.

You need to read him the riot act OP. he is completely failing to appreciate the work you’re doing.

What is all the money you’re saving on holiday clubs going on? His weekend escapades?

Consider refusing to WFH over the holidays. It can’t be great for your 5 year old in particular, can it?

Why are you doing almost all the childcare, expected to serve and look after him and his laundry, and then also being subject to his terrible moods and behaviours. Your equal earners and contributors to the household and yet you do almost everything else including babying a grown man. You have a DH problem.

He really is a mean man
You work as many hours as he does and make as much but somehow you're responsible for all the household chores and the child care? I really hope you're not paying 50% on everything while doing 100% of everything else

When was the last time he ever made a real meal or cleaned anything himself?

Poor you! I am part of the 2% that hit the wrong button by mistake. You are NOT being unreasonable at all. His behaviour is terrible.

So you’ve only been to the office once in the holidays and have worked with them distracting you in the background and just let your DH go and sleep instead of caring for them and letting you work. Totally unfair to your employer given there are childcare options out there, and unfair to your children having to entertain themselves as you’re working. Why haven’t you pulled your DH up on him not caring for them in the afternoon? He should be taking them out and letting you get on with work.

No wonder people working at home get a bad reputation. My children are young adults now but I paid for holiday care. Unfair to expect them to entertain themselves (no doubt with screens) and even when dad is home, not bothering to take them out. How dare he complain you’re logging on earlier and later as you’re not doing the same work you’d do in term time, when he is doing nothing to helpZ

You can change it, just hit the correct button and it will change your vote.

@Theendisinsight88 divorce is available. Why on earth do you think this is reasonable?

Manchild.
Has he always been like this or only after the children were born? Some of these guys don't show their true colours until they trap you.
Lots of stories on Mumsnet of similar relationships.

If you earn enough to start again I'd leave him. You could spend forty years picking up after him and later wiping his arse!
Technically he's a bully and I wouldn't want to sleep with such a man.
Get your ducks in a row but be prepared for him to be an even worse parent if you divorce him.

Changed my vote. Thank you!

So your DC have been stuck at home all summer while you work and he plays no part in their care or entertainment? Poor kids.

That's seven hours. But yes, he's an arse.

Stop apologising for not spotting the odd crumb or whatever, OP. Tell him he's not your bloody line manager and you don't want to hear any more of this crap. And that if he's so bothered by your job, you can quit to play domestic goddess and he can support the whole family. He sounds awful.

Why is he napping in the afternoons and not helping with the children? I think I would have gone off to the library/office/cafe to work there to force him into it.
You say he gets up at 5.45 for work. Early, but by no means that early unless you are going to then add he has a health condition so needs rest.

He's selfish and controlling. Just imagine how much easier your life would be if you left him!

Later on dh was partially napping on the sofa

Id love to know when you ever get time to have a nap.

Would you want your children to be in a relationship with someone like this?

He's setting them a terrible example and they'll have noticed more than you think. If you decide to stay in a relationship with him, at least save up for the therapy they'll need.