AIBU to feel worn down by DH's constant moaning?

So he doesn't appreciate the paid work you do to provide 50% of incoming money.

He doesn't even try to help facilitate any work trips you need to do, and in fact, jeopardises your job by being deliberately difficult about them.

He doesn't appreciate or spend time playing with his DC.

He doesn't appreciate the laundry/cleaning/childcare/shopping/cooking you do for him & the DC.

He doesn't help with drop offs/ pick ups or childcare, even when he can, and even if you've previously agreed it with him.

He moans and complains and whines constantly about 'crumbs' or the size of the laundry pile. In fact, he just moans about anything & everything constantly ffs.

Seriously OP, you don't deserve this, and neither do your DC.

You need to make a choice. Either you continue as you are, and both you and the DC remain miserable, or you change your life...

Whether that change is simply stopping doing any & all 'wife' duties for him (laundry/shopping/cooking/ironing/life admin etc) and tell him that as he's so 'unhappy' with the level of service from you, from now on he can do his own, and stick to it, or consult a lawyer about getting a divorce.

Life is short OP, so you need to decide exactly how much of your life you're willing to waste trying to please a man who simply cannot be pleased/happy/content, regardless of what you do?

Sorry but he sounds totally draining and a total misery.
You have one life he sounds as though he is making yours harder and miserable.
My DH loves a tidy home, we both work, have 3 kids and pets, he doesn’t walk around moaning about crumbs, he would literally just tidy them away.
I think you need to have an honest conversation with him about what is happening and how unhappy you are.

'he has stopped making me a drink as he doesn't agree with my choice of drink'

And there you have the very definition of controlling. Please, OP, get out of there, whatever it takes.

You are being abused by him.
Do not think this is normal.
It isn't.
He is a controlling bully and you are being ground down.

He hates you working because that means you are not u der his full control.
You need to seek support.
You need to contact a domestic abuse charity.

It isn't just about bruises.
Can you tell family and friends the truth?
I think your life would be much happier without him in it.

If he finishes at 1:30, why isn’t he looking after the kids in the afternoon so you can work??

Bonkers. I think you’d be happier divorced.

I app also do a bad job at all the jobs I do as sometimes the washing pile is higher than it should be or he runs lows on socks

So the washing can be his responsibility from now on. Tell him it's time he did his share.

The napping thing really got me - he’s a grown adult not a toddler!

He also shouldnt resent your job given it is providing for your family. Is it that he resents that you enjoy your job (and he doesnt)? He really doesnt sound a loving partner - he sounds unpleasant and bitter

I don’t have much of a temper because generally my husband isn’t too much of a twat, however at any of that I’d have lost it.

You have the patience of a saint. What an arsehole.

Your DH is a lazy moaning arsehole, but your own life would be easier if you could teach your kids to clean up after themselves without reminders and to leave you alone when you are working. You are working to feed them and put a roof over their heads; you can teach them how to help you do this. The side bonus will be that they will learn the importance of considering the needs of other people. The ten year old is old enough to manage a lot by him or herself, and they can help the five year old. It's probably too late for your DH, but you can raise your expectations for your kids.

I disagree, I think it is beholden on all of us, male or female, to enforce the boundaries of how we get treated by people.

Write a list of everything you do, set boundaries and if he can’t change leave.

He moans about crumbs.
He moans about doing basic housework.
He wants to know when you shower.
He makes it difficult for you to work away.
He hates that you work at all.
He has no interest in your children.
He disappears on evenings and weekends.
He moans that you haven’t washed enough clothes for him.
He doesn’t agree with your choice of drink so won’t bring you it (WTAF)

What exactly does he bring to the table? Apart from making you feel like shit? I bet there are more examples of his behaviour that all point to him being abusive/controlling.

Sorry he’s a fucking arsehole. You’d have a quieter, easier life without this leech.

Leave. The. Bastard.

Get angry op. You need to have a conversation with this horrible man. Tell him how awful he is, how unhappy you are and how you’re rethinking this relationship. Suggest some counselling.

This is awfully sad to read OP. You seem very loving and attentive to your family and nothing you do will ever been good enough for him, that's on him not you.

Has he always been like this?

It doesn't sound like he contributes anything good or useful to your life and you'd have a much happier life if you were separated and not walking on eggshells all the time.

I think the simplest way of looking at all of this is by the rule I tell my kids to consider when choosing who to spend their time with.. forget all of the words that are said, how do you feel when you’ve been with person? If it’s consistently negative then they are not your person and you should avoid spending time with them.

He’s clearly draining the life out of you to tue point you’re questioning if you’re being unreasonable by being pissed off that a grown man, father of your kids is napping in the day and also moaning about crumbs. Whatever his problem is, it’s not yours to work out for him.

And of course he’s going to have an issue with your job, or rather, you doing well at a job. Because this means you’re well thought of, have contact with other people, it gives you another purpose, it gives you confidence to know you have a purpose there, it gives you independence etc etc etc, all the things he will be trying to whittle away at to make sure he holds more power.

Please OP, I’m not one of the MN ‘leave the bastard if he dares to breath’ brigade but you need to seriously consider what you want in your life and for your kids, my parents stayed together forever despite not really liking each other and actually it embedded in me that you don’t need boundaries, that’s once you are in a relationship you just put up with anything because that’s your life now, it’s taken me years and years of therapy and is still in a work in progress to put my needs on any table.

Take care, show yourself some love xx

This man needs to live alone. And so do you with the kids. What a joyless life for you. You must be worn to a thread doing all the parenting while living on eggshells.

He even polices what you drink? That is utterly insane! Do you challenge him about his dreadful behaviour/attitude towards you?

You say that you both earn about the same. Is your job more prestigious and respected? What is he doing at weekends when he is out of the house all the time, leaving you to parent alone?

It is clear that he prioritises himself before you and the kids. You are the default parent, despite having a more demanding job.

Do you really want to stay married to such an awful man? He gaslights you daily by telling you that you don't prioritise him or the kids while he does nothing apart from telling you that you are doing things wrong. He has looked after his kids for one day out of the six week school holiday, after he promised more, and you have managed all the rest.

The very sight of him napping on the sofa while you juggle work and the kids would trigger such homicidal rage that I just couldn't bear to look at him. My marriage would be irrevocably damaged beyond repair.

You don't even realise how much better things would be without this depressing, abusive moaner.

I agree with @FluffyLamkins - you need to put your foot down. Your work and its remuneration is keeping the ship afloat.

He needs to get off his arse and stop napping when it’s his turn to parent his children.

Absolutely this. Are the good times - assuming there are at least some - worth this behaviour from him the rest of the time? I'm not a LTB poster but something has to change in this dynamic.

This sounds horrific OP.

This.

Whilst I agree with your core point, what a world where it's on women to enforce boundaries, and where mens default is to shirk and even shout at women.

ExDH was the same, a nice guy to all intents and purposes but would do exactly as much as he could get away with.

You're struggling with positives because there aren't any.

Did you moan at him when he made excuses not to cover 5 days of holiday child care?

Do you moan at him for not doing laundry himself?

Do you moan at him for not unloading all of the dishwasher?

I'm guessing you aren't allowed to moan at him at all. And that you do all the cleaning,
cooking, laundry, and the vast majority of childcare.

Why is he out most of the weekends?

Why is he going out lots of evenings?

Why does he get to nap during the day?

WHY ARE YOU PUTTING UP WITH ALL OF THIS?

This is no way to live, OP, for you or the children.
He is a thoroughly unpleasant, controlling, abusive man.
He is making your life a misery, and your kids' lives too.

Please please start working out how you can leave him. And go for as much custody as you can so they spend as little time as possible with him.

O God just get rid of him, he's vile. Make an appointment with a solicitor, OP and get yourself free.