AIBU to feel worn down by DH's constant moaning?

@Theendisinsight88 please read this carefully. This relationship cannot be saved because he is fundamentally a misogynist who believes you're less than him. he sees your job as less than. I cannot believe a grown man complaining about not being the centre of attention for his wife when there are small children in the mix, whom he is neglecting.

It doesn’t sound like he brings much to the table from a happiness point of view. Sometimes it’s better to cut your losses and be a single mum.

He’s not ‘moaning’ he’s controlling and abusive. It’s not normal to have to think about whether you have left a bottle on a kitchen bench in your own home.

Your children are growing up in an awful atmosphere.

Absolutely this.

@Theendisinsight88 you're killing yourself wfh and juggling the kids. that's not fair on you or them. Put them in holiday clubs, and plan to leave this awful man. This is your children's childhoods.

This isn't about him moaning or not putting a wash on.

This is a man who is a bitter, misogynistic bully and believes that his needs and wants should be OPs priority. He hates her job because her hard work gets in the way of that. He also also hates it because she will be getting positive affirmation/feedback/satisfaction from it, which works against his targeted erosion of her confidence. He might not even realise it and those explicit terms and would probably be mock outraged if OP said it to him, but I've met this exact sort of man twice, and it is all about keeping OP in her place.

OP - you have to look at the bigger picture of how you are being treated and start to understand what is going on beneath the surface in order to make the big decisions you need to make.

You need a little holiday OP. As he’s an expert leave him with the kids and have a break!

I'm much older than you but I had one like this. Nothing was ever good enough and I tied myself in knots until I collapsed. He still did nothing. In fact he was really cheery when he left me and the baby in tears.

If what you are doing isn't good enough don't do it. Let him do it all.

Or leave him.

He sounds utterly awful and selfish and you need to take a step back and understand wtf is going on. If your dh could afford trips away every weekend that means there is money available for holiday club so you aren’t running yourself ragged trying to work and do full time childcare. You are not a team so you aren’t prioritising what helps the team win - he prioritises himself and you are desperately trying to make up for that and it isn’t possible. I personally couldn’t live like this and would be telling him to shut up or fuck off if he started moaning at me but only you know if that is safe to do in your home.

If he feels he has to re do your work, stop doing it. Let mr perfect crack on

Divorce.

Why on earth isn't he putting the washing on if he's running out of socks? He sounds dreadful 😔

Your husband has no idea how fortunate you all are that your job is willing to be flexible about wfh with the children there. Many jobs would not allow this - so he should understand that and do his bit to help.
I agree he should be doing laundry- and loads of other household tasks - these things aren’t your job alone. It is hard to see what he adds to your life - or your children’s. He could do all sorts with them in the afternoons and I actually think it’s rather sad that this has not occurred to him. Park / cinema/ bowling/ bike rides/ visit grandparents maybe?
Still looking for any redeeming features he might have- are there any?

Oh fk that for a lark OP.
I would he sent into a burning rage at the absolute gaul of this cheeky fucker. What you allow, will continue. Get him told.

You would be better off without him. He's dragging you down and undermining you.

He's jealous. Of a job. That funds 50% of his lifestyle!

It sounds as though the best thing you can do is hold onto that job with both hands. He sounds controlling and cruel and it would be awful to be financially dependent upon him. He is undermining you, trying to minimise and belittle your efforts and accomplishments to destroy your esteem and sense of reality. Is there a chance you can get away to have a long hard think about how your life might look without him tearing you down and chewing you out all the time? Can you really imagine growing old with him?

It sounds like he'd actually prefer it if you were a domestic slave that took being ordered about.
You have a daughter+ do you want the dc growing up thinking childrearing and cleaning are women's jobs? This isn't the 1940's.
Plus he is rude,, moody and contempuos of your job. Since your boss has been so accommodating I bet they rate you. Go on the necessary overnight trips, pick up the extra projects and get promoted. You'll need it because this man is controlling and unpleasant and you need to be able to tell him no. Likely he'll escalate so you may need to be prepared to leave.

I've read all your updates. He sounds absolutely vile. Pernickety, negative and determined to put you down and minimise everything you do. How long can you live like this?

Your life will improve exponentially when you kick him out; mine did.

@Theendisinsight88 what is it that makes you want to hold on to him?

oh dear your poor poor dh has a terrible infection of lazybastarditis. poor soul. such a dreadful infliction. trouble is that it’s contagious and will spread to your children who will emulate your lives. Is this what you want for them? women running around, boring school holidays and stingy boring lazy dad?

nope. you can do better than his lazy arse. Im guessing he wants you to be a SAHM so he can be waited on hand and foot. That’s why he moans so much. Does he ever say stuff like “You’d have more time if you didn’t work….”

Hell no. First get copies of his p60, pensions, savings, mortgage all if it that you’d need in the event of a divorce. i know you can’t be bothered as youre exhausted but it’s important. do it secretly. hide and keep the info safe.

Write up a list of all you do. Floors, washings, dusting, hoovering, kids lunches, shopping, his morning cuppa etc (what the fuck is wrong with him that he cannot make his own drink, stop that NOW, hes being lazy, a glass of water in the bedside table is all he needs).

Once you have your list speak to him about it all. i forget, do you both work the same hours just at different times? if so child and housework needs halved between you. You have no life. It’s just drudgery.

If he doesn’t want to do his share then tell him you will leave and then he will be making his own morning cuppa, doimg his own washings hoovering and dusting, doimg his own shopping and packed lunches, and 50% of the time custody of the kids and all their stuff… So he WILL end up doing all this stuff anyway, in a poky flat.

That may sharpen his mind. Follow through and split if he won't do his share. Lazy bastard.

oh and take the day off tomorrow for you. ypu watch kids today. he does it tomorrow. give no warning. just say” i'll be back at 4pm, remember to feed the kids”, and go.

OP you both work, so why are you doing all of the housework ? If the laundry pile is too high or he’s running out of socks, does him having a penis prevent him from doing something about it himself ? And these are his kids - why does he complain to you about crumbs instead of just cleaning them up ?

What you seem to be saying is that he has afternoons free and you’re wfh, but he still expects you to run around after the kids and deal with the household while he does nothing. The next time he complains about the laundry pile and no socks tell him to do it himself. Ditto when he complains about your standards. If he doesn’t like the way you do things then he should do them himself. Anything else is enabling him in treating you like the hired help. Which is what he’s doing. The only question is, how long are you prepared to live with it.

i can’t see where you have said why he is out a lot at weekends? Why can he do that but you can’t travel for work?!

He is totally unreasonable and I wouldn’t want my kids seeing this treatment of me. Better off splitting up I reckon.

I have just read all your posts and not read any replies by others.

Your life is nearly exactly the same as mine was eventually I ended up at Women’s Aid for support.

Your partner is emotionally abusing you and controlling. It’s an awful situation to be in and because there is no physical violence takes a long time to realise how bad it is.

Please seek some support from your local service.

I lived on eggshells for years running round after the children ensuring the house was a certain way for when he got home, adapting all of us to avoid his comments and moods and it just got worse and worse.

I used to dread his car pulling up, I’d recognise his car engine and my stomach would do flips waiting to see what mood he was in when he walked through the door.

Its really hard but once your see it you can’t not x

OP whatever you do, don't give up your job.
This is what he's pushing you to do. He wants you at home picking up crumbs. And completely financially dependent on him.
If you have even half an idea to leave him (and you should) then do all you can to keep your job. Once you lose your financial independence it becomes much, much harder to leave.

Why are you still with him? Leave.