How to overcome using childcare as coercive control.

What a bastard @BinNightTonight. I’m so sorry you’re in the cry in bed club too.

Three! My toddler isnt at school yet though, I'm with him 24/7 (I have a nursery place booked for him next year) Its a wild ride. His dad left almost a year ago, saw him every 6 weeks and then completely disappeared in January.

my ex wont take her out. and its all very well and good saying if he doesn’t see her life will be no different but im drowning.

People on here understand what you're saying about drowning but they can't wave a magic wand for you.
While you're allowing your ex to dictate in that he'll only see your DD at your house you'll continue to drown, while he stands by and watches.

He isn't going to make the move, he's quite happy sitting his arse on your sofa and calling it his fair share of parenting, so your choices are you start taking control or stay as you are.

You need to separate all that's wrong in your life instead of clumping them together and deal with one senario at a time.

Harsh that sounds, but unfortunately the last 7 years of how you're going on now hasn't achieved much.

It is so hard when you dont have any family or family who can help, I'm not sure there are any quick, easy answers.

But it is hard and it is unfair that its all on your shoulders.

Well at least there’s two of us!

Soon school will start. Get some pizzas (and vitamins) and hold tight till next week. Maybe then you could have a day off and do some things for yourself. But I know it’s not just that, it’s the hurt feeling that nobody cares or is helping. It is such a sad feeling.

Have you watched Terminator? Sometimes I like thinking of the ultimate lone mum, Sarah Connor. I’ve got a pic of her on my laptop.

OP I’m drowning too. I don’t know the solution.

Some things I do and have done:

• use teen babysitters, daughters of friends
• pay for convenience if I have the money
• lie in bed crying
• grey rock the abuser
• get vitamins for everyone just in case I don’t have energy to make or get all the stuff
• write off the man totally (easier for me as mine ghosted the children as part of the control)

Will your dd be at school/ nursery soon?

Do you get DLA for your child?

Are her conditions or disabilities diagnosed?

ASK YOUR LOCAL AUTHORITY FOR A NEEDS ASSESSMENT FOR HER AND A CARERS ASSESSMENT FOR YOU.

Put in bold as I know when you're sleep deprived and overwhelmed its hard to take in all the info.

You maybe able to get direct payments. This would fund a pa/carer to take her out. Which would give you a break.

My post should say ‘no family support’

I think you need to enforce that her dad’s contact time is out of the house. If he wants to see her, it’s elsewhere. If he refuses, you’re no worse off and at least he’s not in your house.

I understand OP. My ex was like this while we lived together and now in divorce he’s done the ultimate of never seeing the kids again. You’re absolutely right. It is for control.

Look up the writing and blog of Emma Katz, it really helped me.

eta: I understand how tired and deserted you feel. I have noticed yes family support. It is existentially different to be a lone parent, even without the effects of the abuse. Other people don’t often understand.

I also agree that you cant force a parent to spend more time with their child. My child's father hasnt seen him/contacted me for 7/8 months, I haven't contacted him even once in that time, as far as I'm concerned he must do any and all of the initiating contact. He doesnt exist to me anymore. Its sad, but its what hes chose.

I'm sorry, my toddlers dad isnt involved at all and it really is relentless and exhausting.

Working 10am until 10pm twice a week doesnt sound very sustainable so I'd definitely looking into changing that. Can you drop down to 4 days (do 4 long days) then you have one school day per week to yourself? I would also look at your ex partner taking your child out, if its safe for her. Ie you meet at the park, he plays with her while you go to a cafe for a coffee and read a book alone or whatever you want to do.

It is hard, I dont do anything without my toddler, even a smear test hes sat there But I do also find him/my life joyful and amazing (while recognising i am tired too) If all of your happiness and joy is completely gone, could you visit your GP?

This is good advice. For those saying go to court, it doesn't work like that, you can't go to court to force a parent to have more time with their child.

Hi OP, I'm sure this is the toughest time of the year for many SEN parents. I know I'm on my knees. As other have said, request an assessment from social services. Hopefully your daughter is entitled to some PA hours or something, so you get a little respite.

Stop having the ex around. He's providing no childcare, and on paper it probably currently looks like he is.

Do mention to your mum that summer holidays are the absolute worst time for her to 'take a break'. It makes it seem like she doesn't understand you or your situation at all. I know you must be grateful for the help she does give, but really! The odd couple of hours of holiday childcare would work miracles for your mental health

When your ex calls by have you suggested that he takes her out instead if staying at your house?

Do you need to work those hours? If you worked until 5/5:30 in the week rather than short days and 2 long then you could use after school club and then you’re mum could collect DC one evening and you have a few hours to yourself.