AIBU to expect my sister to accept my fourth pregnancy when she is child free not by choice ?

You can have compassion whilst still expecting to be happy about your own pregnancy, and your sil accepting that.

I’ve been there (thankfully I’m not in her position anymore). It is painful to the core when you desperately want a child. Hold out the hand of compassion.

You can't change the fact that you are lucky and your DSis feels sad.

Be mindful and listen to your DSis.
Encourage her to have a consultation with an IVF clinic. Would you offer an egg?

Ask your DSis if she would like to be Godmother.

I wouldn’t be at all surprised if she’s having or has had fertility treatment with her partner and it’s not working. This sounds like it’s still a very live issue to her. You’ve made an assumption that they’ve not tried as he already has kids but so does your husband? And he went on to have tonnes more with you.

It’s hard but you just need to develop even more compassion for her. I had a friend completely cut me off when I finally got pregnant and it sucked but really she’s the one making herself even more miserable and I only wish I could make it better for her.

Her sister said that it should.

Infertility is a medical issue. Lots of people have medical issues, more serious ones than this. They don't go around being a twat to people because of it.

Yanbu OP. What she said to you is horrible.

That is NO excuse. It is also no excuse to mistreat people if one suffers from PMS, has a headache or had a bad day! People need to stop taking their bad moods out on other people! It is rude and neurotic behaviour!

I had to go through IVF fo have both my children and was happy for my friends and relatives to have children / who had children while we struggled.

I was somewhat offended when other people were overly sensitive about not mentioning children around us, because I felt that it indicated that they found us to be too self-absorbed and immature to be happy for them.

We later found that it is, unfortunately, very normal for people going through infertility to be too self-absorbed and immature to be happy for their friends and family members who have children. Just because so many people act like that doesn't make it ok.

I think your relationship with her is over. Just accept it.

Life is a bit more complicated than that. She wants children. She is childless and doesn't want to be. Therefore she is childless not by choice.

She might have made some bad decision that have led her there, it doesn't mean she is now happy being childless.

Agree with several other posters here. You have been sensitive to her feelings and she has been able to express them. But she should also be sensitive to yours and you should be able to express yours. You could let her know that you understand but it's not your fault and that you're feeling you have to keep your feelings hidden, and that you would love to include her in your loving family times (at least some of them). How she then behaves is up to her.
And tell your mum that as much as you understand, you don't have to miserable and you are allowed to enjoy your baby!

The OP said it was nasty and that the sister continued to make nasty comments. If you don't want to believe the OP that's up to you, but you don't know her or her sister so it's pointless you posting on the thread if you're not going to give credence to the OP's testimony.

Honestly, I don’t understand why infertility or childlessness is seen by some to be a cast-iron excuse for women to behave horribly towards others with impunity, for however long they wish. And everyone around it must “cut them some slack” and tolerate it, It really isn’t right- understanding a woman taking a step back from a pregnant friend or relative is fine, but suggesting others should be an infertile/ childless woman’s emotional/verbal punch bag because “she’s in pain” is a totally different matter. It’s not ok to treat others badly and expect there to be no consequences.

Many people are dealing with terrible, painful situations every day and manage to be reasonable to those around them. And are expected to be so, too. I don’t think infertility or childlessness should give anyone immunity from the consequences of their behaviour.

The truth is, if it persists others will walk away. Might not be immediately, and family likely to stick around longest- but for most people there will be be a point where they just can’t put up with it any more. Surely, rather than tolerate in silence (in the name of “being kind”) and becoming steadily more resentful or hurt, it would be far better to let the woman know that what she is doing is hurtful/rude etc (doesn’t have to be done aggressively or confrontationally or by being rude) and you’d like it to stop? I wish I/we had done this earlier with my ex-friend- I wonder if we had been more direct with her earlier on whether that might have prevented the escalation (as she’s have had to stop and think about what was said to her/helped her realise how bad things were getting), and whether that might have prevented her losing almost her entire friendship group due to her behaviour. I don’t regret ending the friendship- it simply wasn’t salvageable- but I do wonder if we all made excuses/tried to be kind for too long.

Many people are dealing with terrible, painful situations every day and manage to be reasonable to those around them. And are expected to be so.

In Op’s shoes I’d simply lessen contact. Next time your sister says something unkind or rude, call her out and suggest it would be better if you just kept out of contact until she felt able to be around you without it descending into this sort of situation. Put the ball back in her court to either address how she behaves or give her the chance to step back until she feels it id manageable, then you can decide what relationship will look like going forward.

We don’t know if sister said in a nasty way.
She told op that he is older than her and he already has kids. It’s not insulting people say that here all the time that they would never get together with a man with kids or have a large age gap. OP must be 27 and her husband 38 then.

I think you can’t let that sex comment go. You have mentioned it 3 times already in the post. Cut her off if she bothers you so much, in any case you said above that this will be end of relationship with her and that she is not a nice person. Honestly, your husband seems to be more under to suggest her being Godmother of your children. But you shut down that idea without asking her. You just want her to be happy for you. In an ideal world yes she would have happy for you, and you would have more sympathetic to her. But it’s not an ideal world. Cut her off but you could have told her how her comments made you feel and that she needs therapy than slagging her off here.

But could I be right?
No. You don’t know how she would have behaved if she had kids and op didn’t based some dynamics you have seen. Have you considered that maybe it’s op who is playing the dynamic of rubbing it in.

Oh come off it. The sister is being downright nasty. Her hurt at not having children is no excuse for that.

I feel really sorry for sister.
Women have been known to kill themselves because they didn’t have children for whatever reason.
She must feel like screaming, trapped between 2sisters who have four kids each. S he’s in literal agony. Nice that her GP BIL has empathy for her. Oh he doesn’t.
i know how desperate i felt after a miscarriage then a stillbirth.
l don’t know how I would have managed if I hadn’t had DD .
For all of-the ‘ she’s toxic’ ‘she should be happy foryou’ posts I just see a desperately sad woman who is unhappy beyond words.
But yeah OP - you just cut her off . Who needs a sister when you have so many kids?

“Yes thank you we have a very fulfilling sex life”

I think two things can be true. Your sister can be happy for you in an abstract way and also gutted that one of the experiences she desperately wanted (having a baby, Becoming a mum) hasn’t happened for her. She’s lashing out at the wrong person she should be raging at her ex but you are right in front of her. Just hold the line and keep her accountable “that’s an unkind thing to say,” “mate our sex life isn’t yours to question - I don’t ask about yours” “I can see you are upset, why don’t we finish up our lunch/dinner/coffee and you can reach out when you are ready”. She doesn’t get to be unkind to you/ you don’t have to stay and be her verbal punching bag but equally I’m sure you can understand that it may be hard for her to see you living thr life she wanted so much.

congrats on your pregnancy!

OP she's made a few mildly insensitive comments while she's really hurting, I'm sure it's a tiny fraction of the hurt and pain she's feeling. Cut her some slack.

You actually don't sound very sensitive at all to her situation and emotions, practically blaming her for not having her own kids by staying with her ex too long. Guess what, my friend dumped her ex in the same situation as your sister then was single for 10 years! Leaving that relationship was no guarantee it would have happened for her. Whatever the reasons, she is child free not through choice.

Yes ideally she would be nothing but happy and supportive for you, but you can't dictate someone else's feelings.

Honestly OP, dump your sister and don't look back. Until she can accept that her unhappiness is of her own making, she'll keep trying to poison your happiness and that of every other mother around her. Your other sister seems to have successfully distanced herself, perhaps she can give you some pointers.

The gaslighting you're getting on this thread is ridiculous. Your sister needs serious therapy, but it's easier to be nasty, I guess, so she's unlikely to change. Congratulations on your pregnancy, and your great big happy family!

@BrillantBriony you certainly sound very spiteful and petty with that spectacularly unhelpful post just so you can get a dig in at people you don't even know. Awful.

Honestly, you both sound petty and spiteful. You seem stuck in the jealousies and rivalries of your childhood. It sounds like your older sister has grown out of it, hence her decision not to participate. Probably best that you both distance yourselves from each other, because you seem to bring out the worst in one another — petty jealousy, resentment and constant one-upmanship.

Sister is unreasonable. Ok to have regrets/ be sad, but to expect anyone else to not have a child because she has no child is not only unreasonable, it’s insane. The whole world does not revolve around her. She must see mothers with children outside , in shops etc all the time. Why should her sister feel constrained when the rest of the world carries on regardless?

She made choices. Wrong choices. Nobody else should have to pay for her wrong choices.

The OP says she has been with her husband for 11 years. The sister was making shitty comments to the OP when she met and married her husband. The sister will have been early 30s. What was her excuse then? It wasn't infertility.

Obviously no but you aren't in the right frame of mind when you are suffering years of infertility. Questions like yours show how you don't understand infertility. It can cause serious mental health issues possibly suicide.