AIBU to expect my sister to accept my fourth pregnancy when she is child free not by choice ?

At 44 years old and with a partner that doesn't want children, do you really believe that having children is a realistic optiom?

She is unable to conceive! Her age and life circumstances are such that she is facing the reality that she will never have children, despite the fact that she desperately wants them. Yes, there are different reasons why a person may end up at that place, but the outcome and the pain are just the same.

If she's 44, unless and until OP gives information to the contrary, we can't assume she's unable to conceive. People are fixating on the distinction because she's still of an age where having a child might be possible, and that actually matters a lot.

But she’s absolutely not unable to conceive. She’s never tried!

I think sister or not, people are likely to judge a 4th kid (6th for the DH) with a man nearly 50 years old. If it was me I'd probably just roll my eyes and say "again?" you can't expect a parade every time by the 3rd or 4th one.

Being in pain does not justify the nastiness the sister is exhibiting. It’s not the op’s fault she hasn’t got a child.

I agree, this wasn't great OP and I think there's probably more you're saying to her than you're letting on.

For those unable to conceive the pain is unbearable, yes you should celebrate your pregnancy, but having someone so close to you conceive is beyond distressing. Give her time and I hope you both find kindness and joy.

Can you explain what you find nasty?

It's irrelevant whether it's fertility or social circumstances (until an age that it is too late)- I have no idea why people are fixating on that distinction: Either way, her sister desperately wishes for a child and is unable to conceive.

This sister isn’t involuntarily childless. She could have a child on her own if she chose to. She’s not infertile and until she is in menopause, she can still get pregnant unless she actually is infertile and hasn’t told OP.

I think people who haven't experienced social infertility have no idea what it's like. W're told this sort of thing: "If you really wanted a child, you'd have had one on your own." Generally said by women in secure partnerships.

It's as complex as medical inferyility, and difficult because it looks so easily solved: just gho to the sperm bank.

But like the OP's sister, it can be tangled up with wanting an actual father for one's child, or wanting a specific father. How terrible!

Having a choild on one's own is still very very difficult, in all sorts of ways: physically, financially, and also emotionally.

The OP's sister wanted a family with a specific man. He cheated her f her opportunity. Have some compassion, or at least try to imagine what some women go through.

This sister isn’t involuntarily childless. She could have a child on her own if she chose to. She’s not infertile and until she is in menopause, she can still get pregnant unless she actually is infertile and hasn’t told OP.

OP said:

It’s also sometimes good to recognise that an adult has chosen their own path, she isn’t infertile she had a partner for years who strung her along and she chose to stay even after advice from friends, my and our sister. The part where I do feel sorry for her is the fact that he remarried and has two children with someone else

Her sister can feel how she feels but the snarky, unnecessary comments are not on and juvenile.

It reads to me that she is mad at herself for not listening to friends and sisters about her ex-husband and she’s choosing to take it out on them instead.

Fron what OP has said, she doesn’t come off that great of a sister from the comments made in the past even before children. She makes negative comments towards the other sister as well and complains about the other friends having babies as if they require her say so.

I agree with pps, distance yourself from her. She is making these comments because she knows there is no consequences from you when she does. As you said, the other sister wouldn’t tolerate it so why are you?

I would consider her comments to be nasty. And yes, some of the op’s comments are not terribly sensitive although she has clarified the niece/nephew one. The difference though is Drew hasn’t made these comments to her sister.

Your sister wants a baby. She could try IVF or not adopt a child. She is responsible for living her own life. She could embrace your pregnancy and be a doting Aunt.

Your sister is being unreasonable for wanting you to consider her feelings when deciding on another baby.

It’s sad she CBC but part of that was her choice in remaining in a marriage with an unsure man.

That said she is allowed to feel sad and triggered by your pregnancies and if she feels the way to do that is to distance herself from you that’s fair and reasonable.

The OP's sister sounds like one of those people who don't have much capacity for happiness, but are able to recognise it and resent it in others. If she did have children, would she really be happier or would she just be jealous and miserable about something else?

Has she really been nasty though? From the OP it sounds like she was simply expressing honestly how she felt. Obviously the thing about how OP is being insensitive just by having a baby is ridiculous, but maybe it's more that OP was handling it in an insensitive way? Certainly OP doesn't sound remotely sensitive from her comments on this thread (eg it's her sisters own fault she's childless, she should be happy to have neices nephews, and she should just be happy for her and move it along).

Absolutely nobody is saying that. What we are saying is that having trauma in your life does not give you a free pass to be nasty to those who don’t have your trauma in their life.

And yet these people will say that their children are the best thing, brought them such joy. But when someone can’t have them it’s “oh well we all have disappointments in life”.

Your sister's resentment isn't your problem. If she needs to distance herself then she is of course free to do that. Just enjoy your husband and your new baby ❤️

No I don’t and I am not claiming to. My point is that I have no more right to lash out at those without my limitations than the op’s sister has to lash out at those who have children but for some reason, posters are excusing her appalling behaviour on the grounds that she doesn’t have dc. They are stating that the rest of us couldn’t possibly understand her grief so we should also excuse her.

None of us can truly understand what others go through. However, regardless of what we are going through, it is completely unreasonable to take out our circumstances on others.

She's in pain and can't help her feelings but expressing them to you helps nobody. You need to enjoy your pregnancy. Put space between you. Focus on your immediate family.your mum should talk to her really.

A lot of people on this thread who don't have a blessed clue about the pain of being involuntarily childless.

Well I've been my husband's carer for almost 35 years. You probably have no idea what it's like to live with those restrictions when you are fit and well. Do what, it has nothing to do with how the OPs sister feels.

You can be happy and she can be sad

she isn’t just sad. She’s spiteful. That’s an entirely different creature. This isn’t a woman who’s just feeling a lot. She’s sending aggressive messages to her expectant sister.