AIBU to expect my sister to accept my fourth pregnancy when she is child free not by choice ?

I think your sister is being very entitled and your mother is enabling this behaviour. You sister didn't have fertility problems and made her own choices in life.
I bet if it wasn't about this she would tearing you down about something else, and if you were infertile and she had babies she would enjoy rubbing it in and your mum would tell you to harden up.
Just going by a few family dynamics I've seen. But could I be right?

Point out where she’s said that at all?

I think this comment sounds like you don't get it at all tbh OP. You are completely right, her pain doesn't give her the right to dictate how many children you should have and I do see your point about some of this being her own choices.

But as someone who has 4 children, you can't possibly ever understand how she feels, your couldn't really be further apart on your realities.

Of course she shouldn't be telling you not to have a 4th, but saying she should be happy to have nieces and nephews does show you lack the real insight and understanding to just how painful this may be for her.

Just give her space and time.

To give you a perspective from someone who went through 5 years of infertility (I am lucky to now have my little one) -

Your sister is clearly hurting, infertility is an awful thing to go through, whatever the reason. Being childless not by choice and watching other people announce their happy pregnancies really does hurt.

Clearly though, she's completely unreasonable to suggest you shouldn't have a child because of her pain.

She's projecting onto you, and is probably in a very vulnerable place. She probably doesn't actually mean what she said that you shouldn't have more children - she's just struggling and doesn't know quite what to say or how to cope. She probably feels stuck in her situation and she is watching everyone else play happy families.

So, I would take that comment for what it was - an outcry of pain, rather than anything that has any true meaning.

In your shoes I would just try to respond empathetically and move on.

"I understand that you are really hurting/ we can go for a coffee any time/ I'm here for you/ I really want you to be involved in the baby's life/ they will be so lucky to have you as their auntie". (But understand that this is not the same as having her own child - definitely don't tell her she should be grateful to be aunt!)

Don't focus on "well I can't do anything about it" - she knows that.

She'll still be hurting but just try to be there for her. She most likely knows that you can't and shouldn't change your life for her - she's just telling you that she's suffering and likely just wants to feel heard.

She has been honest and told you how she feels. You say, "I love you, I'm sorry you're hurting. If you need to make some distance between us for a while, it will feel like a punch to me too, of course it will, but I understand." And then you let her be and let her make peace with her own life.

This is my way of thinking. It took me nearly 10 years to conceive, other peoples pregnancies didn’t affect me in the slightest. I get we’re all different, but people giving birth to babies that weren’t mine didn’t make me feel jealous in any way?

She has said to me that every single one of my pregnancies has felt like a punch in the stomach because I already have three children and am now having a fourth.

To be blunt. This isn't your bloody problem. It's not your fault. It's not your responsibility. And you should not have to justify having another child because she can't have one. The end.

That's just shit behaviour and frankly emotionally abusive.

She needs to have counselling rather than using you as her punching bag.

As much as you can be sensitive about this, it sounds like the very act of getting pregnant is something she regards as unacceptable. You would not ever be able to be sensitive enough.

And yeah she needs to be told this straight even if she doesn't like it, if she's lashing out at you for being pregnant. You should not be walking on eggshells over this.

If she throws a tantrum and decides to go no contact, again that's her actions and responsibility not yours.

You can no live your life appeasing hers. Your life choices are yours. Hers are hers. She could have made different choices but she didn't and she needs to learn to live with them. She may have been unlucky in life but again this isn't something you have had in or deliberately caused to hurt her.

This is all about her and she needs to get the fuck over herself and stop sucking the joy out of your life because she's simply jealous.

Off course, because having nieces and nephews are the same as having her own children 😬 insensitive and selfish way to think. I hope you haven't said that to her.

She’s being ridiculous and I’m surprised so many people would be truly fine with what she’s said. You’ve kept hurtful things you’ve thought to yourself, so should she. If it’s too difficult to her and she wants to step back, then that’s fine. She could do it without the vile and spiteful comments though, you’ve not done anything to purposely hurt her

This, it must be torturous being around people who can easily conceive when you are desperate to have a child yourself.
Perhaps more so with family.
Cut your sister some slack.

I can only speak from my experience. I was in the process of medical management of a missed miscarriage, my second that year, whilst my sister gave birth, my first miscarriage was due 3 weeks after her. I never once resented or felt she should pander to me because of my situation, I saw it as a joyous occasion and my issues with fertility were seperate to becoming an Aunt. I think this is your sisters cross to bear and not yours, you can feel for her but do not dampen the joy you all feel having a new baby.

Right, I think you’re not being unreasonable to have another baby and of course your sister is being silly to expect you not to have another one because of her situation.

But I think this comment is a bit much, she doesn’t have to be delighted to be an aunt again when she’s grieving having her own child.

As others have said.

You are not at all unreasonable to have as many children as you and your husband want.

Your sister isn't being unreasonable in finding it hard given her own situation.

She has no choice but to accept you're having a fourth child as you're pregnant.

You would be unreasonable to expect her to be overjoyed about it (which you don't).

I’m not asking whether I should have had the baby that ship has obviously sailed. I’m asking whether I’m being unreasonable in expecting my sister to accept that I’m allowed to be happy about my pregnancy despite knowing how painful it is for her.

Its a meaningless question really. You are happy. Whether she is happy about it or not is a different matter but it's immaterial whether she accepts you're allowed to be happy.

Surely she should be happy to have nieces and nephews.

Why? Seriously, why? They're not a consolation prize for not having her own.

I want to be supportive to my sister but also I don’t think I should stop myself from having an another child just because she doesn’t have children.

Wel, obviously. I'm not sure why this is something that needs addressing either. The only people whose opinions on this matter are relevant are yours and your husbands.

You can be sensitive about it but no one would honestly expect you to not have another child because she can't have any. That literally makes no sense.

I think you'd both benefit from having some space from each other. Her because she is obviously hurting from this and you because you seem to be shouting into the void that your decision to have a fourth baby shouldn't be influenced by your sister's sitation and I cant see where anyone has said it should.

She is child free by choice though. She didn’t have to stay with the guy who kept fobbing her off whenever she brought up TTC yet she did and she wasted her peak fertility as a result. It isn’t like she’s been TTC for 20 years and can’t have them. Even if that was the case, does she seriously think you shouldn’t have children in solidarity?

Weird one. Would you consider being a surrogate for her?
ok everyone. Now kill me.

Exactly this. Have a bit of sympathy for her but equally you don't have to feel bad you've chosen to have another one. And all the luck to your DH coping with a child in his 50s...

Well she shouldn’t have said that but it came from a place of great pain, surely you can see that?

You're not sure what else you can do? Honestly you just need to accept her feelings and understand that she may need to take a step back from close contact for a while.

Why should she be? What's your reasoning here?